A Varied Collection

TRUE COOL

They’re the “in crowd”
The cool ones
The clique

Wearing the right clothes
Saying the right things
Defining cool

The un-cool sit
On the outside looking in
Wishing to be “in”

They bully and barrack
And show off to the crowd
The shallow crew

Sneering at cleverness
Shaming the boffins
In front of their crowd

Soon they will know
They have no future
They’re the cool fools

Don’t be envious
Stay with your piers
Friendship rocks

Just stand fast
Stick with your friends
That’s true cool

SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE

Solitude is not a negative
That’s something I’ve always known
And for the sake of your sanity
Escape the combat zone
And once in a while
Spend some time alone

DARKNESS EVADES THE LIGHT

Darkness evades the light
It retreats into tight corners
And hides just out of reach
Where the light stops short
And the darkness waits
Patiently biding its time
As the day ebbs away
And the shadows lengthen
Until the darkness rules again

AT LONG DISTANT HILLS

In my youth I looked fearlessly
At long distant hills
Squinting to bring them into focus
With a feeling of contempt
But old age has quickly delivered me
To those once distant hills
As now I stand before them
And I am fearful
Feeling contempt for myself
For not embracing every step
Along that short journey
But its only idle reflection
And regret is useless
For the hills are no longer distant
And now the race is almost run

WITH SALT WATER BLOOD

With salt water blood
The valiant mariners
Are bound to the sea
By unseen chains
And serve their mistress
In sun and rain
But when gales blow
And storm and tempest
Batters and bloodies
They pray to the master
To be carried to shore
And when land sits
Beneath their feet
They crave a deck
And a rolling sea
And are drawn back
To their mistress

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

In the autumn of my years
In the twilight of the setting suns
Will I become that which I despise?
A burden to my loved ones

THE RAVAGES OF TIME

Each year shall be recorded
In your now pretty face
Soon your youth will vanish
Fading without a trace
And with each passing year
You will slowly lose the race
You will fall further behind
Until you are in last place
And a lifetime will be recorded
In your now pretty face

The Love Selection # 6

LOVE IS NOT

Love is not
A test of life,
To prove existence
Love is life
Where love is absent
Life perishes
Where love exists
Life is lived

THE TIME I HAVE AWAITED IS AT HAND

The time I have awaited is at hand
As evening falls slowly on my life
And as my light sets on this world
I will once again rejoin my wife

LOVE IS NOT A TEST OF LIFE

Love is not a test of life
That we might pass or fail
To prove if we are alive

Life is a test of love
That we can pass or fail
But we must try to survive

FROM THE SIGHT OF THE FIRST SWALLOW

From the sight of the first swallow
To the moment of the last fall of snow
More than a short romantic interlude
But nonetheless it was bound to conclude
A love born beneath a swallow’s wing
Perished on the very eve of spring

THROUGH SILENT TEARS

I look back through silent tears
To those long forgotten years
When love was young, as were we
And you were to shy to speak to me
And I was to scared to speak to you
But some how we muddled through
And by some kind of strange detente
We spoke whispers full of loving want
And together spent a very happy life
A very happy husband and wife
Yes we certainly muddled through
Until I had to say goodbye to you
But soon we’ll be together dear
And I won’t have to shed another tear

I HAVE A PICTURE

I have a picture of you
A picture in my head
Of you lying naked
And breathless on your bed
In your eyes is a plea
Though words are unsaid
To leave you again breathless
And naked on your bed

WE WERE LIKE A KIT

We were like a kit
Unassembled and incomplete
A loose collection of parts
But we were just parts
And the lesser for it
But there was no manual
There were no instructions
To say which part fitted which
So there were mistakes
Part A did not fit part Z
And part B did not connect with H
But then one day
Part A was in proximity with B
And quite effortlessly
Joined into one entity
And became us

AS THE AUGUST MOON SHINES BRIGHT

As the august moon shines bright
On a clear summers night
There is mischief of a kind
For those with love on their mind
As the song birds serenade
The courting couples on parade

IN THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE

In the tapestry of life
Love lies deep
Finely threaded through
Like a constant breath
Radiating perfect beauty
Whatever scene is portrayed
Love is the constant
Within the weave

MY PROPOSAL WAS REHEARSED

My proposal was rehearsed
I felt quietly confident
I maintained composure
Tinged with excitement
And I was quite shocked
To find her ambivalent

A Humourous Collection # 10

CALL CENTER MODE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"

"Do you have any windows open?"
The tech support guy asks her
"Are you mad? Its mid December
And I’m calling from Alaska”

WHAT DO YOU CALL?

What do you call?
The first asylum seeker to appear
From his hiding place
Obviously it’s Amir

What do you call?
The second one, come to dwell
To have a better life
His name’s Amir Azwel!

What do you call?
The third man lithe of limb
Immerging from the truck
Amir Azwel Azim!

A MEDICAL MIRACLE
The alphabet of doom

(I’m)
Arthritic,
Bronchial,
Calloused,
(And)
Decaying,

Exitial,
Flatulent,
Gaseous,
(And)
Haemorrhoidal,

Incontinent,
Jaundiced,
Knackered,
Liver spotted,
(And)
Myopic,

Neuralgic,
Overdue,
Preoperative,
(And)
Queasy,

Rheumatic,
Shaky,
Tremulous,
Unviable,
(And)
Viral,

(A)
Worrywart,
Xanthochroic,
Yellow
(And)
Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an elocutionist
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the clients
When it says Enunciate, Enunciate

ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD

Once I rocked your world
And made you turn and stare
But that was a world away
Now I rock my rocking chair

CLAUDE AND MAUD

An unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
Spent what they
Could ill afford
And ended up
Committing fraud
So the unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
To avoid the law
Fled abroad

INVIGILATED

Sitting the final exam
Was quite frankly, fruitless
Trying to write with
A broken pencil is pointless

FISHY BEHAVIOUR

When fish are in schools
Their behaviour is sedate
Except of course for the days
When they take debate

BATTERY CONUNDRUM

It used to be “batteries not included”
For products small and large
Now they come with batteries
But are they free of charge?

LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH

She was a manicurist
He was a dentist
And when they wed
It was widely said
That they couldn’t fail
But they fight tooth and nail

The Love Selection # 5

WHY DOES THIS LOVE ENSURE A CONSTANT HEARTACHE?

Why does this love
Ensure a constant heartache?
Love should be a salve for your soul
Not a dagger to pierce your heart
Instead of an empathetic companion
With shared values and mutual respect
I get lies, evasion and bitter betrayal
And when my tattered heart
Lies savagely broken
There is no sympathy,
No remorse
Just a shrug and farewell

I THOUGHT THIS TIME

I thought this time
That the love was strong
Founded on solid rock
And standing on granite piles
That would weather the ages
Like a great monument
But at the first hint of storm
The granite crumbled away
And the love fell with them

I curse my poor judgment
And my lack of prudence
As once again I am alone
And my heart is broken once more
The old adage echoes in my head
“What doesn’t kill you
Makes you stronger”
But the words are as empty as my life
But I will make myself stronger
I will make myself an island
My heart will be as stone
And my resolve will be as granite
Then my heart will never break again

MOONSTRUCK

I saw her in the moonlight
Bathed by the white
Of the pale waning moon
And I was moonstruck

An angelic vision
A moonchild of the night
Smiled a knowing smile
And then she took my hand

Beneath the splendour
Of the starlit sky
I took her in my arms
And I felt her tremble

And there we stood
In the magic of the starlight,
Where we fell in love
Where we were moonstruck

A FAMILIAR PICTURE

Seeing you that first time
Was like looking at a picture
A familiar picture
A favourite, dog eared picture
Often viewed, often handled
A picture of someone special
But we had never met
Yet there you were
A familiar picture
A picture in my mind
In my heart, in my soul
A familiar stranger
Who recognizes me

I SAW YOU AND I KNEW

I saw you and I knew
That I wanted you
I held you and I knew
That I was in love with you
I kissed you and I knew
That no other would do

DON’T WE ALL FANTASIZE?

Don’t we all fantasize?
Of that perfect love
That would grace our life
A love that is so special
It would be immortalized
In the sonnets of the bard

I LOST YOU

I lost you
And at the moment
Of deaths knell
A well spring of tears
Unbridled,
Relentlessly fell

YOU TOOK ME DOWN OFF THE SHELF

You took me down off the shelf
You taught me to laugh at myself
You taught me to dance and sing
With the joy of songbirds on the wing
You taught me everything I knew
Except how to live without you

IT WAS

It was in the spring
Beneath the canopy of oak boughs
Where you kissed me for the first time
It was in the summer
In the dappled shade of the same oak
Where you said I do
It was in the autumn
Beneath the falling leaves of oak
Where you were laid to sweet repose
Now it’s winter
And the oak boughs are as empty as my life
But soon I will join you dear wife

I LOOK BACK IN SOBER REFLECTION

I look back in sober reflection
Dwelling in conceit of my perfections
Glossing over my imperfections
But over all I look back with affection

A Humourous Collection # 9

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

Oh God I feel so old
Just send for the undertaker
I’ve started making the same noises
As my coffee maker

SHOPPING ENCOUNTER

Their eyes met at the supermarket
She clearly recognized him
But he was drawing a blank
So a smile was exchanged between them

She decided to break the ice
And pleasantly, said "Hello!"
She obviously knew him
She was a stranger to him though

So he asked, "Do you know me?
You do look familiar” he lied
"I think you're the father
Of one of my kids." She replied,

“Are you the drunken cheerleader?
I shagged under the bleachers’”
She gave him a look and said
“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"

BIG BONED

No you don’t have “big bones”
That belief is mere folly
Let’s face it you’re just fat
It’s a shame you’re not jolly

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

You have just been sick
And not just a bit
So stop pretending
And spare me the wit
It isn’t just a hiccup
With some pizza in it

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s crappy
Because with someone else
She might turn out to be happy

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s not right
At the end of the day
I stay with her out of spite

PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE

Prisoners are such a nuisance
When they are justly contained
Because of human rights
We can’t keep them restrained
And it’s so labour intensive
To keep them all entertained

WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP

Working in a sweat shop
Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew
Conditions are appalling
And never thought so-so

I DON’T GO ON TWITTER

I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity chatter
I find them contemptible
They should rename it Twatter

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
Lay a little egg for me.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
I want one for my tea
And this time if I don’t get one.
You’ll be dead by half past three.
So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
They’ll be chicken for my tea

ARE YOU WEARING? # 16

ARE YOU WEARING THAT?

Are you wearing that?
That’s what you’re wearing?
Seriously? It’s a little brief
Oh it’s certainly daring
Will it turn any heads?
Oh yes you’ll have them staring
And if that’s all you wear
Everything will get an airing

ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?

Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the smirkin’
But to be quite honest Betty
It looked better on the yeti

ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?

Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my vote
Its got you wrapped up well
And not a soul could tell
That beneath its military style
You’re quite naked all the while

ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?

Are you wearing whiskers?
Well it’s not really workin’
And to tell you the truth
It’s really rather irkin’
It would be better all round
If you just wore a merkin

ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?

Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be PUCK?
Oh you’re running the marathon
Well aren’t you the a silly fool

ARE YOU WEARING ONE?

Are you wearing one?
Then you’ll get none
No glove
No love

NATURE

SAVAGE SEA

All at sea, all at sea
In the teeth of a gale
Under a savage sky,
Black as night,
The wind blows unabated
Rain stings the flesh
And drowns the spirit.
Rolling black waves
Crash like thunder
All around us
As nature displays
Her awesome power
We pray to our Gods
Our course changed
By great waves of doom
Driving us on
Against our rudders will
To end us on a shallow reef

MOTHER NATURE DRESSED

Mother Nature dressed
In her splendorous gown
Brings forth the beauty
Of springs abundant pallet
Awakening the meadows
From winters slumber
Bathing them in sunlight
Drawing the flowers forth

THE LIGHT SPRING BREEZE PLAYED

The light spring breeze played
An enchanting wind chime symphony
But as the breeze became a gale
It soon turned to a cacophony

AFTER THE ICE STORM

After the ice storm
The world was transformed
A hushed silence had descended
And the landscape
Had change shape
Every thing had softened
The ice rimed trees
Stood like great ice pillars
In the a snow queens cathedral
Fountains cascaded no more
The waterfalls became abstract art
And fresh snow was falling
Like confetti at a winter wedding
Outside an ice sculpted church

WINTERS FURY

The wind howled around the house
And whistled through the trees
Bringing snow in blizzards
The strong winds across the rooftops
Whipped up the loose grains
And chased them like white ribbon
Across the grey slate
It wasn’t pretty snow
Nor did it present a pretty scene
Not at all picturesque
Or picture postcard
Snow was blown in horizontally
With great ferocity
And as I drew the drapes
It spattered the casement windows
I shivered and thanked God
I was safely home

SOME CRUMBS OF BREAD

Some crumbs of bread
Some bacon rind
Perhaps some nuts
Might be kind
It’s up to you
To decide what’s best
To set upon the table
For Robin red breast

THE SHARP-EYED SPARROWS

The sharp-eyed sparrows
Darting too and fro
Examine the soil
Disturbed by the hoe
Picking out a morsel
And off they go

WATERFOWL

So ungainly on the ground
Quite displeasing to the eye
But when they effortlessly
Spread their wings and fly
They perform a graceful ballet
Across the bright blue sky

THE MILLPOND WATER

The millpond water
In the sultry air
Stood eerily still
its mirrored surface
Reflected its image
In crystal clarity
So perfectly still
That the millpond water
Could have been
A looking glass
For young Alice
To enter wonderland

LIKE WIND BLOWN PETALS

Like wind blown petals
The snow fell in gentle swirls
Settling on the landscape
To delight the boys and girls

AS LENGTHENING SUMMER SHADOWS

As lengthening summer shadows
Give way to Autumnal shades
The last snows of winter
Are but a heartbeat away

INHABITING THE MARGINS

Inhabiting the margins
Of the waters edge
The waterfowl are found
Hid amongst the sedge

THE OPAQUE MISTS

The opaque mists
Blur and soften
Disguising the landscape
Hiding from sight
Until the sun warms
And burns the mist away

AS BITTER WINTER DISAPPEARS

As bitter winter disappears
The springtime cheers
As with each new flower
The season grows in power
Spring is here again
Stirring the souls of men

The Love Selection # 4

TRUE LOVE ARRIVED

True love arrived
Like a bolt from the blue
In a chance encounter
At a place and point in time
Someway distant
From that which they should
Separately have occupied
But the fates conspired
A serendipitous event
To bring them, unwillingly,
To that blessed point
Of momentary symmetry
When they glimpsed
Their separate histories
And shared future

THEY WALKED IN SILENCE

They walked in silence
Two halves of a whole
Palm against palm
Soul against soul

IN THE ELASTIC TIME OF DREAMS

In the elastic time of dreams
Where exists a cast of thousands
The impossible is possible
Logic ceases to exist
The living walk with the dead
Rivers flow upstream
The sky is green
The grass is blue
So why with all the infinite possibilities
Of my timeless dreams
Do I only dream of you?

ARROWS DOTH FLY FROM CUPIDS BOW

Arrows doth fly from cupids bow
And an enchanted cascade of arrows
Lays the unsuspecting lover low
Who then his heart he must bestow

HELD IN A CASTLE KEEP

A woman's love
Held in a castle keep
In a prison tower
Where passion cools
And time dims desire
She waits in her prison
And dreams of a knight
Who will release her bonds
Rekindling the fire
And returning her to the world

SWEET LYRICS OF AFFECTION

You whispered words of love
Sweet lyrics of affection
Their sublime sound caressed me
Like a summer breeze
Refreshing sultry skin
Each fresh loving word
Mesmerized me anew
And I knew my heart was lost
And I knew that I was found

YOU BLEW SOFT BREATH

You blew soft breath
On the embers of my memory
And breathed new life into me
Resuscitating a redundant heart
Until I unlearned how to fear
I unlearned how to doubt
I unlearned how to exist
Then I felt the warmth of the sun
Once more on my face
I felt the transformation
From loneliness to loved

RISK

If you wish to achieve
The greatest love
It involves taking a risk
And like achieving
The greatest of goals
Sometimes it means a great risk
But nothing worth having
Comes easy or risk free

I MUST READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

I must read between the lines.
To find the reasons why
So when you say, "I'm sorry",
Look me in the eye
So that I might know
If I caught you in a lie

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Why in every disagreement
From the first to the last
You don’t stay in the present
You rake up the past
I always fight fair
I nail my colours to the mast
Then your name-calling
Leaves me aghast

A Humourous Collection # 8

IF YOU SHOULD FIND

If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering

MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS

Mum should be a parole officer
Because in her defence
With her around
No one finishes a sentence

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”

FROZEN WINDOWS

Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows
@ home, frozen - what should I do?"
Peaches texted back “use some de-icer
Or boiling water will probably do”
Bimbette “OK, computer went bang
And lights have fused too"

CAR DEAL

After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“If you do better at school than you have so far,
Go to church every Sunday without fail
And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”

After a few months had passed the boy
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“Well you have improved at school by far
And you’ve gone to church every Sunday
But you still need a hair cut, so no car”

The boy replied, “Since going to church
I have learned a very great deal so far
Samson, John the Baptist, Moses and Jesus
All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had
Long hair but none of them had a car”

THE END OF ROMANCE

I knew the very moment that
The romance had died, it was after
I drank from my wife’s slipper
And almost choked on a corn plaster

SENIOR REVELATION

One day you look in the mirror
And beneath the lathers
You realize that the face
You are shaving is your fathers

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE

Rather than eating chicken soup
Just laugh a little every day
It’s much more beneficial
Well that’s what the chickens say

ARE YOU WEARING? # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A TEN GALLON HAT?

Are you wearing a ten gallon hat?
Well no there’s nothing wrong with that
And after all it does have to be said
You do have a ten gallon head

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?

Are you wearing a nightgown?
A subtle shade of light brown
You look sad in your nightgown
You even have a slight frown
Let me grab your nightgown
A subtle shade of light brown
And pull it quickly right down
And I’ll remove that slight frown

ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?

Are you wearing chaps?
And that perfectly fine of course
Apart from the one little fact
That you can’t ride a horse

ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing dungarees?
I think they are really nice
You should wear them more often
That would be my advice
Because I can strip you down
To your Knicks in a trice

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?

Are you wearing a hairnet?
You work at a baker’s shop I bet
I have a favourite Bakery
Where i find my favourite pastry
I particularly love baps and buns
The baker’s daughter has nice ones

ARE YOU WEARING A SHOCKED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a shocked expression?
Well that’s certainly the impression
But it’s never as bad as it seems
“You’ve just seen the girl of your dreams?”
“In which case you have my sympathy
Because I’ve had dreams like that you see”

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?

Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vagazzled
You’ve decked your minge
It looks like a disco ball
You might as well say blinge

ARE YOU WEARING THIS?

Are you wearing this?
What could be wrong?
Absolutely nothing
In fact nothing sums it up
There’s nothing to it
It covers nothing
And it leaves nothing
To the imagination

ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?

Are you wearing this and that?
A Purple and Chartreuse fleece
With sky blue corduroy flares
Watch out for the fashion police

ARE YOU WEARING THIS OR THAT?

Are you wearing this or that?
They both look really very nice
And you’ve tried on everything
In your wardrobes, twice
What’s wrong with looking nice?
I think they both look alright
I know you would prefer stunning
I would prefer to get there tonight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 259

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away
This is comforting you may say
But look at it another way
With angels round my bed
And lustful thoughts in my head
I can’t seem to find a way
That I can get my end away

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 260

Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
“I could play with your little toy”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 261

Says the little boy to the little girl,
"What shall we do?"
“Could I play among your curls”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 262

Tom he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But of all the things that he could play
He was happiest at his drum array

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 263

Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Were walking out one Sunday;
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Walked to the woods this one day
And Tommy Snooks to Bessie Brooks,
Had something of a fun day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 264

If Candlemas day
Be dry and fair
Will anyone
Actually care?

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 265

If Candlemas day
Be wet and foul
Then we all will wear
The usual scowl

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 266

If St Paul's day
Be fair and clear
Then Wimbledon
Will be good this year
And strawberries will
Sell well my dear

St Paul's day (June 29th)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 267

Bless you, bless you, bonny bee:
Say, when will your wedding be?
I’m only interested I should say
So we can all come and ruin your day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268

There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, And not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269

A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”
Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270

A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271

There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
And there she lies still

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Luckily he didn’t end up in bits
Because he was so off his tits

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it at all
And he can’t say what the truth is
Because he’s totally gone to pieces

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty Dumpty again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly concede
But it gave him a couple of tugs

EASTER

EASTER LILY

The Easter Lily
Blooms in the spring
The large white flower
Is beautiful thing
Its trumpet-shape
Says let spring begin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 254

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
In January,
In January,
Hot cross buns!
If Tesco don’t have them,
Go to Morrison’s
They have many
They have many
Hot Cross Buns!

CRUCIFIX

You were the love
Of the world
And we nailed you to a cross
We tried to kill love
With nail in hand
And spear in flesh
But we failed
You pleaded for us
Apologised for us
Then you died for us
You’re the love
Of the world

EASTER CACTUS

The Easter cactus
The spring-bloomer
It’s jointed flat Segments
Look like experiments
Made by a young boy
With a construction set toy
But the coral-red flowers
Light up the spring hours

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 255

The Easter Bunny's feet
Go hop, hop, hop.
I want to eat the bunny
I can’t stop, stop, stop.
So I chase him with an axe
Going chop, chop, chop.

EASTER PARADE

In your Easter Bonnet
With all the frills upon it,
You’re never going to wear it?
In the Easter parade.

We’ll all be falling over
As your sitting in your Rover
Coz you’ll be the biggest Charlie
In the Easter parade.

VIA DOLOROSA

The path that Jesus walked
Carrying his cross with him
Was the Via Dolorosa
In the old city of Jerusalem

It was the way of sorrows
The way of grief
The way of suffering
For his life so brief

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 256

We didn't hear the Easter bunny
Hopping down the hall;
He hopped so very quietly,
He made no noise at all!
So we rigged up a trip wire
That he didn’t see at all

ON A HILL IN CALVARY

On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanized
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us

EASTER BUNNY

About the Easter bunny
I think it’s really funny
That a big white rabbit
Is in the unusual habit
Of delivering Easter eggs
On his funny rabbit legs
I think it must change
And we must rearrange
So for delivering at any rate
Eggs made of chocolate
Employ a chocolate chicken
That’s what I reckon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 257

Mr Bunny, Mr Bunny,
Won't you stop, stop, stop?
"No," said Mr Bunny,
I must hop, hop, hop.
So I shot the little bastard

EASTER LILY VINE

The Easter Lily vine
Likes to entwine
This woody Evergreen
With leaves of glossy sheen
The flowers are a showy sight
Of trumpet-shaped fragrant white

EASTER EGG HUNT

When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 258

Bunnies are brown,
Bunnies are white,
Bunnies at Easter
Are a chocolate delight

THE SHADOW OF GOLGOTHA

Our lord beaten and bloody
Sent to die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God

EASTER DAISY

The Easter daisy
A dwarf tufted stem-less herb
A rosette of woolly leaves
Its roundness is quite superb
And the large white-rayed bloom
Is the daisies Easter costume

ARE YOU WEARING FOR EASTER

ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?

Are you wearing any drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Even if you have an excuse
It still makes you look loose
And its still very low rent
If you’ve given them up for lent

ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?

Are you wearing bunny ears?
They have an ability to regale
But to be quite honest
I’m more interested in your tail

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
Beneath your long spring coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Easter
For a certain horny old goat

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER GARTERS?

Are you wearing Easter garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Easter garters?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKS?

Are you wearing Easter knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Easter knickers
What wonderful springtime fare

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER BONNET?

Are you wearing an Easter bonnet?
With pretty flowers upon it
What I lovely sight to behold
It must be tiresome to be told
So let me write a pretty sonnet
For the girl in the Easter bonnet

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Easter drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
What goes thru your head Meg
We’re not hiding that kind of egg

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Easter hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Easter knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Easter bunny

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 1

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with an Easter egg motif
What an egg hunt this will be

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Adorned with a appropriate motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with an Easter motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
With a bunny rabbit motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the special Easter gift
Beyond the bunny rabbit motif