ARE YOU WEARING? # 14

ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?

Are you wearing priestly garments?
How good you look in your vestments
Can you share any indiscretions?
That you hear during confessions
Oh what a shame you cannot share
I would like to be a fly in there
But what torture it must truly be
Having taken a vow of celibacy
And denying yourself the pleasures,
Of plundering earthly treasures
Only to sit each day in confessions
Listening to others sinful discretions

ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?

Are you wearing protection?
It may have been a wise selection
Not that I’m some kind of Lolita
It’s just that I’m a messy eater

ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?

Are you wearing a sombrero?
Have you been somewhere in the sun?
I was told you were in Cahoots
I didn’t believe it for a second hon.
I told them you can’t go there alone
You have to be there with someone.

ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET

Are you wearing a pith helmet?
Oh the great white hunter yet
But that’s just a pose you strike
Great white tin opener more like

ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?

Are you wearing sunnie’s?
Oh dear you do look funny
I almost didn’t recognize you honey

You’re spending the week incognito?
Oh how lovely I’ve always wanted to go
But no one recognizes you though

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARY SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scary scowl?
And now you’re doing the growl
Am I supposed to throw in the towel?

You evil troll you cause me no fear
Back to your bridge do you hear
Your powers are useless here

ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?

Are you wearing crushed velvet?
Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette
I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet
Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?

ARE YOU WEARING A GRIN?

Are you wearing a grin?
Oh you’re playing stupid agin
And why not you do always win

ARE YOU WEARING FRUIT?

Are you wearing fruit?
It doesn’t really suit
And there is a lesson
In there though my son
Never let 3 year old Joe?
Hold a ripe tomato

ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?
No you don’t look at all flighty
You’re my goddess of love Aphrodite
And my desire for you is mighty
So lay back and think of blighty

A Humourous Selection # 7

I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE

I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2

The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy

THE TENNIS SWING

The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set

ARE YOU WEARING? # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?

Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit

That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store

ARE YOU WEARING? # 12

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?

Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?

Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley

ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?

Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess

ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?

Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair

ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?

Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there

ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?

Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?

Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex

ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?

Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope

ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?

Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair

ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?

Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron

The Natural World

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime

BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH

Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime

CLOAK OF FOG

A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time

LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime

ARE YOU WEARING? # 11

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?

Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face

ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?

Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?

Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?

Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster

ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?

Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off

A Humourous Selection # 6

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door

DIRECTORY ENQUIRY

I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”

I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1

The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught

ARE YOU WEARING? # 10

ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?

Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash

ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?

Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob

ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?

Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt

ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?

Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses

ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?

Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess

ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?

Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly

ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?

Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white

ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?

Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person

A Humourous Selection # 5

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast

As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best

When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best

Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE

They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom

ARE YOU WEARING? # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARF?

Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite

ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?

Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light

ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?

Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go

ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?

Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat

ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?

Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire

ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?

Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?

Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day

ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?

Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school

ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing

ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?

Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa

The Love Selection # 3

GINGER HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER

To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you

WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?

What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire

What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way

I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start

I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead

EVERY SINGLE DAY

Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead

TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST

Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride

I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side

I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day

So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more

IN THE MEADOW

I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view

I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part

I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart

HOW WILL I COPE?

How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot

THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE

The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye

YOU ARE THE ONE

You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput

You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great

You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug

You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends

A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........

ARE YOU WEARING? # 8

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies?
Why where are we going?
Will it be quite muddy?
Or has it been snowing
They are not for outdoors?
Then their use has receded
So please just tell me
Why the wellies are needed?
I still don’t understand
If there is no outdoor activity
Oh now the penny has dropped
They’re for indoor depravity

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

Are you wearing pixie boots?
Well they really are beauties
I’ve always had a soft spot
For little woodland cuties
So let me carry you away
Like a prized piece of booty
To a woodland clearing
Where we can get really fruity

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt?
It’s really very flattering on you
A blandishment to your hips
And narrows the waist without ado
And when the wind lifts it up
Your scanty wares come into view

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer?
Well that’s how you appear
Like you’re looking down your nose
From some commanding belvedere

So what of your countenance
If it’s not a look of distain
What did you wish to convey
Perhaps we should start again

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

Are you wearing something special?
For my special birthday treat
Something daringly risqué
Nothing remotely discreet
Something minimalist in silk
Would be right up my street

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit?
Well not exactly a source of phwors
It’s just an un-sexy combination
Of a vest and long drawers
But joined together like a romper suit
The addition of the trap doors
Makes it a little more exciting
I think I’d like to go through yours

ARE YOU WEARING A WIG?

Are you wearing a wig?
No I’m not having a dig
I’m not a fan of them
But this is an ill fitting item

It just doesn’t suit you
I know it’s just my view
I’m not meaning to nag
You look like you’re in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?

Are you wearing a tutu?
Oh it really does suit you
Give me a twirl oh do do
In your pretty little tutu

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob?
I think they’ve done a good job
It makes you look like a flapper
No I didn’t say you were a slapper
From the roaring twenties, a party girl
No I didn’t say you were a tarty girl
Instead of having your hair cut short
In order to prevent any auditory distort
And to stop you miss hearing things
You should have had your ears syringed

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap?
How very working class
And you a Roedean girl
Normal so up her own arse

Dressing up like an oick
Does have some appeal
So say something common
And let me cop a feel

Relationships # 2

MOTHER OF TWO

George is a married man
Who is content with his lot
But he calls his wife “mother of two”
Which she likes not a jot

One day at a house party
He said as the partying was done
“Come along then “mother of two””
She replied “ok father of one”

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards
In the beginning to make the grade
You need two hearts and a diamond
By the end you want a club and a spade

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night
“Left a bit, Right a bit,
Forward, now back,
Up a bit, down a bit”
With the relentless instructions
She was barking
I snapped “for God’s sake
Are we having sex or parking?”

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”
I was told by my friend
“Then tomorrow Jane and I
Are going to Lands End”
“And I will probably take Jane
To London at the weekend”
I didn’t like to shatter his illusions
But I had to in the end
“Jane is the voice on your SatNav
She’s not a proper girlfriend”

A Humourous Selection # 3

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

The naughty Toad in the hole
And his friend Guacamole
Along with Ratatouille
Thought Badger quite chewy

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot
At first I was a little alarmed
But after I thought about it
My apprehension calmed

And I laughed at my foolishness
I felt silly, oh what a lark
After all it’s not as if
She will have to parallel park

SCRABBLED

After a scrabble marathon,
Hundreds of games back to back,
Tony Blair now feels vindicated
He finally found WMD in a rack

PICTURE HOUSE MODE

Bimbette and Peaches
Plus seventeen friends
All went to the cinema

At the booking office
The girl enquired
“Blimey why so many of yer?”

Bimbette said in reply
“Coz the advert says
18 or over."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing
Thanks coz now my pee is stinging
I wish I’d gone with out it, I say in all honesty
What would life be?
Without an itch or a rash what are we?
So I say thank you for your favours
For giving them to me

So I Say
Thank you for that infection
For giving it to me...

Sung to the tune of “Thank you for the music” by ABBA

WHAT I SAW OF MY COUSIN

I pushed open the bathroom door
And there before me stood
My young cousin towelling off
So I looked away as soon as I could

I quickly told her I was sorry and
I saw nothing which wasn’t quite true
I did see her ample breasts
But didn’t see a nipple or two

I often recall that morning
Being a man of simple pleasures
When I got to see her chest
But didn’t glimpse her treasures

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk
And the endless night time wee’s
Would you like anti-diuretic wine?
Then the Pinot More should please

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

The shepherd lad called shep,
Though that was a Sobriquet,
Watched over his ragged flock
As he sat playing his flageolet

So enchanting was the melody
Played on his small fipple flute
It mesmerised the watching wolf
Making him easier to shoot

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am.
Like the proverbial racehorse
And I evacuate my bowels
30 minutes later in force
Which would be perfect
If by then I was awake of course

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend

ARE YOU WEARING? # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

Are you wearing woolly tights?
That’s one of my favourite sights
As the evenings begin to shorten
Well as they say winter draws on

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes?
And substantial winter tights
What a wonderful combination
I can’t express how that delights
How comfortably cosy you will be
On the long cold winter nights

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?
God that must really annoy
When people keep telling you that
It makes you look like a boy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

Are you wearing a tattoo?
It’s very appropriate for you
But the meaning might not please
As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

Are you wearing combinations?
I must say with total resignation
It’s not the sexiest underwear
For you to be wearing under there

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail?
Don’t you think that look is stale?
Even at its most dizzy height
That look never looked quite right

So what were you thinking?
When you decided to have it done
It’s not appropriate for you
Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk?
I thought you’d been to work
But you decided you would shirk
With that good looking clerk
Brilliant so I get to look a berk
While you get to wear a smirk

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

Are you wearing a leer?
That’s out of order I fear
You are lustfully gazing
At the young and amazing
With lascivious thoughts
Ogling good looking sorts
Well only one of us can spy
And that letch is I

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

Are you wearing a hat?
What’s the point of that?
It’s often been said
You have an unsuitable head
And not just for millinery
It’s a little bit scary
And the hat doesn’t help
You made that boy yelp
So take off the hat
And that will be that
The hat will be gone
And the bag put back on

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

Are you wearing tweeds?
Well that certainly exceeds
Your rather arousing apparel
Really brings out the feral
Complimented by stout hardy shoes
In my own Victorian views
And I wouldn’t knock
Some good country stock
Let me help you over this stile
As I think all the while
How to best meet my needs
Of getting inside your tweeds

The Love Selection # 2

CONDITIONAL LOVE

You must be devoted,
Kind and true
Willing to give of yourself
If all this you can do
Then without reservation
I will love you

ETERNAL LOVE?

Eternal love?
Love that lasts
Forever more
Not this side
Of heavens door
That was my opinion
Well heretofore
Then I met you
And now I’m not so sure

ONCE INSIDE MY HEART

Once inside my heart
You’ll find it bleak and stark
For love has been defeated
And sits lonely in the dark
No colours exist here
Only shades of grey
But if you can endure
You could show me the way
And lead me from the dark
And back into the day

SEE A RAINBOW?

The door to my heart
Is always open to loves light
My essence is a rainbow
A spectrum of bright hues
But if you can only see
In shades of monochrome
The door to my heart
Remains closed to you

DESCENT FROM CLOUD NINE

You were joyful, everything was fine
You were content, sitting on cloud nine
Then things sharply turned
And you ended up getting burned
You took your eye off the ball
And took your devastating fall
You thought as life was good for you
That everything was for me too
I know that for you it was for life
But I’m not content to be your wife
I need more

LONG TIME FRIEND

For so long you have been my friend
But you've grown nearer to my heart,
And now I want our friendship to end
And the longed for love affair to start

I DON’T LIKE REPETITION

I don’t like repetition
But I will never complain,
When you tell me you love me
Again and again.

A COMFORTER

A comforter is a form of bedding
The modern example is a duvet
Or perhaps a continental quilt,
An eiderdown is best so they say
But I think that you’re the best
Comforter by a very long way

DEPENDABLE

I think I overly rely on you
I try not to but I know I do
I know I depend on your support
Perhaps more than I ought
I don’t want to cause any upset
You’re more than a safety net
I know my view is slanted
And I’m sure I take you for granted
But the reason that I depend on you
Is because I’m in love with you

AUBURN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Auburn headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks

ARE YOU WEARING? # 6

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing false eye lashes?
You haven’t worn them before?
It’s just the way you’ve put them on
Makes you look like a Labrador

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos?
To cramp and pinch your toes
I’ll grant you have attractive pins
And the admirer certainly wins
But is it really worth the pain
To totter on your heels again

ARE YOU WEARING A WET SUIT?

Are you wearing a wet suit?
I’m sorry my query is moot
Why are you? Is more appropriate
As we’re stood in the Sahara desert

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings?
They might be considered shocking
To those who think prim and proper
About a saucy stocking topper
Their thoughts are rather haughty
Where mine lean towards the naughty
So what other delightful accessory
Might be found up where necessary

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush?
Oh was that another flush?
What have I been missing?
Who have you been kissing?
Have you been up to no good?
Been no better than you should?
Exactly what kind of disgrace?
Would put such colour in your face

ARE YOU WEARING FRUMPY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing frumpy clothes?
Because you like the style
Or did you cease to consider
Your appearance after a while

Perhaps you’re not in vogue
Because you’re just out of time
And dream of distant days
Being old fashioned is not a crime

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?
On your figure oh so sleek
That’s beautifully figure hugger
To tantalise a horny bugger

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

Are you wearing ugg boots?
I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth
Yes they are rather fun aren’t they
But to tell you the honest truth,
Without wanting to call you old,
They are more suited to the youth

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?
Do you really think you should?
Because this isn’t merry England
And you aren’t Robin Hood

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?
Well you must as it’s the law
Yes I know its confining
But not as much as a mortuary draw