Christmas Stocking Fillers # 5

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe

For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE

It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C

ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER

On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell

THE NIGHT IS CLEAR

The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here

IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE

It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell

EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT

Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty

CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS

Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind

CELEBRATING CRIMBO

Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH

Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11

Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant

ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?

Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 3

IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie

ARCTIC EDUCATION

At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2

Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus

LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY

Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!

BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 2

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

MERRY BELLS

Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTMAS BOX

A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”

We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS BELLS

Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season

CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)

Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 71

ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY

On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute

PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"

Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?

IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING

“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media

IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL

In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium

SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY

Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it

I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE

I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison

DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY

My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty

MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE

My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned

IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL

If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?

Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom

MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS

When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 70

ARE YOU WEARING A PARTY HAT?

Are you wearing a party hat?
As it’s a Thanksgiving hat
And the family is all together
I will give thanks for that

I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR

I have a very polite doctor,
Nice to the point of folly
He won’t tell me I’m obese
He says I’m morbidly jolly

WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY

When the wine box is empty
I am one of the thorough types
I rip open the cardboard
To reveal the Pinots tripe’s
And squeeze it dry as I play
The alcoholics bagpipes

I LIVE IN A SMALL WINDMILL

I live in a small windmill
I’ve never lived in one before
It’s in a little seaside town
On the promenade by the shore
It’s nice, apart from the golf balls
That keep coming thru the door

WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN

We have a new market in town
And they do Korean street food
One customer ordered poodle noodles
Which I thought was quite rude

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

There would be more reserves
Remaining in the North Sea
If the Scots didn’t have
Such a deep frying tendency

WHEN I SAW MR MESSI PLAY

When I saw Mr Messi play
I was disappointed I must say
I had to take a second look
But he was nothing like in the book

EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND

Every weekend in Essex-land
Daddies precious little petal
Gets off her tits and tanked up
On gallons of Princess Petrol

WINE BOXES AREN’T FOR THE SNOBS

Wine boxes aren’t for the snobs
But what makes them unwhackable
Is unlike the odd shaped bottles
All the Wine boxes are stackable

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME

I never thought the day would come
In fact I would have thought it absurd
When the Football sense of “Brazilian”
Wasn’t the most popular use of the word

THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN

The Ebola crisis is causing concern
And is causing the Americans to fret
And what the people want to know
Is why aren’t their troops there yet