Since our unusual first date back in June on the Tree Top Trail, Dorcas and I had spent a lot of time together on the full range of more conventional dates, country walks, museums, galleries, pubs, restaurant’s, cinemas and bowling alleys.
Over which time we had gotten to know each other and I discovered that quite apart from being gorgeous, which was plain to everyone, she was witty, intelligent, sensitive, loving and a totally rubbish bowler.
At the beginning of August one bright Friday morning we were driving up the M11 on our way to Cambridge to celebrate my Uncle Herbert’s 60th birthday.
By which time Dorcas and I were well and truly a couple.
It was to be a full on family weekend, which is something we do rather well I don’t mind saying but this was the rarest of occasions when absolutely everyone would be in attendance.
Apart from the birthday boy Herbert and his wife Alexandra, there was his elder brother Edgar, my eldest sister Abi and her husband Bijs were coming over from Holland, my younger brother Danny and his girlfriend Siti were driving across from the west midlands, baby sister Helen, hubby Mark and baby Connor were a few hundred yards ahead of us on the motorway and my Mum and Dad were about 50 miles behind us, despite the fact that we left home in convoy, because Dad never broke the speed limit.
Although Dorcas was a longtime friend of my sister Helen, she didn’t know all the players involved in the weekend’s events and was a little apprehensive about meeting them all, so on the journey I filled in any blanks in her knowledge of us.
“Have you met Abi before?” I asked as we approached junction 8
“Not really” she replied “She was in the back of your Dads car once, I think she was on her way back to Uni, but I didn’t meet her exactly”
It was hardly surprising really as she never really came home again after Uni.
Abigail met Bijs at University and went out to Southern Holland almost as soon as they graduated.
Now they both worked at the City Hall in S-Hertogenbosch and lived a few miles away in Rosmalen and only get back to the UK once in a while.
“You know Danny though” I said as I took the exit and drove towards Stansted airport
“Yes but then he is nearer my own age” she said
“And he asked me out once”
“I didn’t know that” I said surprised
“I said no” she assured me
“I’m pleased to hear it” I added
“How come we never met?” I asked
“I don’t know” Dorcas said thoughtfully “Just my good fortune I suppose”
“Bloody cheek” I said
Forty five minutes later we rejoined the M11 with my sister and her husband on board and we were still ahead of my Mum and Dad.
With the introductions done and Dorcas thoroughly interrogated by my sister we made steady progress towards Cambridge.
“You’ll like Uncle Herbert” Abi said either to Dorcas or Bijs I’m not sure which
“He’s Professor of Medieval Studies at Cambridge University” I said proudly
“Just like CS Lewis” Dorcas contributed
“That’s right” I said surprised “How on earth did you know that?”
“Well I’m not just a pretty face” she said
“Clearly” I concurred
“He’s at Magdalene College” Abi continued
“Also like Lewis” Dorcas responded
“Have you been swatting?” I asked suspiciously
“No I’m just a big fan” she replied
“Of Lewis or my Uncle?” I asked with a smile
“He is also a wit” Abi added
“A raconteur, a lay preacher and an all-round good egg” Abi and I said in unison and laughed as this was a well-worn phrase oft quoted by the family in relation to Uncle Herbert.
Bijs and Dorcas looked on in bemusement.
We drove onto the driveway of chez Cush just before one o’clock and I took a moment to take in the familiar vista before I took Dorcas inside to do the introductions.
The Cush brothers still lived in the ancestral pile built by my great great great grandfather at the height of the industrial revolution.
It had featured prominently throughout my life where all the family gatherings had taken place.
It was not a particularly esthetically pleasing structure but it was typically Victorian and it held fond memories for me.
The harshness of its hard lines had been somewhat softened over the years by the matured sympathetic planting which blended it into the unfussy landscape of the fens where many a long summer holiday had been spent.
Herbert was still at the college but Edgar had a light lunch prepared for us which we ate on the terrace.
We had just finished when Mum and Dad arrived followed shortly by Danny and Siti.
“Well better late than never” I said
“I thought we made good time” Dad replied
“Not you Dad” I responded “You’re actually early, I was talking to desperate Dan”
“I have just one thing to say to you bruv” Dan said punching me on the arm
“M42”
Enough said we all concurred
After lunch as we had a couple of hours to kill so we left the oldies and the baby to doze on the terrace and set off for a walk along the river.
What began with a huddled chattering group eventually spread out into a ragged strand.
Danny and I were at the back about 20 yards astern of Dorcas and Siti who appeared to be getting on like a house on fire.
Danny and Siti lived in Kidderminster where he was an Estate agent and she was a primary school teacher so I didn’t get to see him as often as I’d like.
It was only on these mass gatherings that we were able to catch up.
“How did you of all people manage to snatch up a gem like Dorcas?” Danny asked in disbelief
“She obviously fell for my charm” I said smugly
“I thought she had better taste” Dan continued
“She knocked me back you know?”
“I know” I replied
“Turned me down flat” he continued
“Which just goes to prove she does have good taste” I said and he tried to push me in the river.
The girls turned around to see what we were up to and they both gave us a look so we returned to our previous positions.
“Well you’ve got yourself a good one in Siti” I said
“I know” he said smugly
About half an hour later we were in sight of the university buildings and Abi shouted back from her place in the vanguard.
“PUNTS”
And Danny and I started jogging towards her.
“What’s going on” Dorcas said with alarm
“Were going punting” I said and took her hand and we ran hand in hand along the path
“But I’ve never punted” she exclaimed
The reason for all the excitement was that because of all the summers spent in Cambridge a disproportionate amount of time was spent Punting on the river Cam.
We hired 4 punts and divided up into our respective couples.
Now when the Overton take to the water the object of the exercise is not to get wet.
We had all been in the river at one time or another, some more than others, but when we were punting the winners were the ones who stayed dry.
If your pole gets stuck in the mud you let it go, if the situation arises then you stay with the punt and not with the pole it’s simple really.
Now when I say the object of the exercise is to stay dry in truth what I actually mean is that it is to get your opponents wet.
Once both occupants of a punt have been dunked then they can take no further part.
Now under normal circumstances hostilities wouldn’t begin until all craft were out of sight of the dock and the prying eyes of the boat keeper.
But on this occasion Bijs missed his footing and fell in the river without even setting foot onto his punt.
“God Bijs your whole country is below sea level” Danny shouted “you should be more at home on the water than any of us”
It wasn’t long before Abi, the least sea worthy of the Overton’s, succumbed to an early bath and we were down to 3 boats.
Once the flotilla had travelled sufficiently up stream so as to be out of sight of the boat station and hostilities could begin.
There had been a number of harmless skirmishes when Danny, who normally wins hands down, narrowly avoided a ramming by Helens punt only to find himself heading straight for a weeping willow.
Siti panicked and ran to the rear of the vessel and then she and Danny slid down the pole together.
During the ensuing laughter Mark and I collided, and he and I both got dunked.
Dorcas stood up and laughed like a drain before she shouted
“Abandon ship” and jumped in and joined me.
“I’ll save you captain” she said and wrapped her arms around me as we stood in the cool water, me up to my thighs and Dorcas waist deep and we laughed in the summer sunshine.
Which was when I fell in love with her.
As I stood in the waters of the Cam kissing my girlfriend, Helen noisily declared herself the winner.
She had never won before and she wouldn’t shut up about it on the walk back to the Cush’s so we picked her up threw her into the river.
Her last words before she hit the water were
“You can’t do that I’m a mother”
Tuesday 22 October 2013
Life With Dorcas (Part Three) Stiff Upper Lip
It was a bright Sunday morning in June, just one week after we had first met, when Dorcas picked me up in her Mini outside the Railway Station in Bushy Down.
It was probably a little unconventional for the first date but after some discussion it was decided that she would pick me up as I lived in Bushy Down which was between her home in Finchbottom and our destination in the Dancingdean Forest.
Despite my apprehension I was very much looking forward to my first date with Dorcas and was praying it would go well.
My trepidation was quite apart from the normal first date nerves and it stemmed from the fact I had to contend with the death defying heights of the Tree Top Trail with all its incumbent hazards such as Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires all at a height of 30ft.
I was not good with heights, I never had been, not that I suffered from vertigo or had an irrational fear of being up high.
In fact I liked high places, Aeroplanes, the London Eye, Canary Wharf or the Empire States Building, as long as there was something between me and oblivion.
What scared me to death was gravity and the belief that it would at any moment pull me screaming to the ground.
But I couldn’t show it, not to Dorcas, I had to put on a brave face for her benefit as I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp.
It was about an hour’s drive to the forest but the time seemed to pass by very quickly as we chatted about something and nothing.
Once we arrived my trepidation deepened as I looked up and realized exactly how high 30 feet was.
As if sensing my reservations Dorcas took hold of my arm.
“Come on then” she said steering me in the direction of a large timber shack.
There were 12 of us in our group, 11 first timers and one jovial leader called Gaz who was determined we all had a “great experience”
And on the whole I think we all did although there were moments when I was almost scared to death.
Though we were never in any real danger, we all had harnesses and protective gear but I was still scared up in the tree tops.
But at the end of it, thanks to Gaz, we all had a great experience but it was nice to get back to terra firma.
After divesting ourselves of our safety gear we all made our way to the café for a well-earned coffee.
As Dorcas and I sat either side of a picnic table discussing how much we had enjoyed the experience
“I wouldn’t want to do it again” she announced
“What?” I said with alarm
“The tree top stuff” she assured me
But she continued with more than a little smugness, knowing she had me hook line and sinker
“I’m up for another date though”
Then after a minute or two she suddenly said
“I have a confession to make”
“Oh” I responded fearing the worst
“I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t scared of heights” she confessed
“I only finished the course because I didn’t want you to think I was wet”
And I laughed
“It’s not funny” she said crossly
“I’m laughing because I was scared to death myself, I just gritted my teeth and got on with it because I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp”
I said and she laughed as well.
When the laughter had subsided we both concurred that it had been a good first date.
It was early evening when we finished our coffee and said fair well to our fellow adventurers and the weather was still lovely.
We were both getting peckish and as neither of us were ready for the date to end and as we were only half an hour away from the coast we headed off to Pepperstock Bay where we ended the momentous day eating fish and chips out of the paper on the sea front and talked about the day.
Our first kiss came in true romantic style as the sun slowly sank beyond the horizon and on the journey home we planned our second date.
It was probably a little unconventional for the first date but after some discussion it was decided that she would pick me up as I lived in Bushy Down which was between her home in Finchbottom and our destination in the Dancingdean Forest.
Despite my apprehension I was very much looking forward to my first date with Dorcas and was praying it would go well.
My trepidation was quite apart from the normal first date nerves and it stemmed from the fact I had to contend with the death defying heights of the Tree Top Trail with all its incumbent hazards such as Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires all at a height of 30ft.
I was not good with heights, I never had been, not that I suffered from vertigo or had an irrational fear of being up high.
In fact I liked high places, Aeroplanes, the London Eye, Canary Wharf or the Empire States Building, as long as there was something between me and oblivion.
What scared me to death was gravity and the belief that it would at any moment pull me screaming to the ground.
But I couldn’t show it, not to Dorcas, I had to put on a brave face for her benefit as I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp.
It was about an hour’s drive to the forest but the time seemed to pass by very quickly as we chatted about something and nothing.
Once we arrived my trepidation deepened as I looked up and realized exactly how high 30 feet was.
As if sensing my reservations Dorcas took hold of my arm.
“Come on then” she said steering me in the direction of a large timber shack.
There were 12 of us in our group, 11 first timers and one jovial leader called Gaz who was determined we all had a “great experience”
And on the whole I think we all did although there were moments when I was almost scared to death.
Though we were never in any real danger, we all had harnesses and protective gear but I was still scared up in the tree tops.
But at the end of it, thanks to Gaz, we all had a great experience but it was nice to get back to terra firma.
After divesting ourselves of our safety gear we all made our way to the café for a well-earned coffee.
As Dorcas and I sat either side of a picnic table discussing how much we had enjoyed the experience
“I wouldn’t want to do it again” she announced
“What?” I said with alarm
“The tree top stuff” she assured me
But she continued with more than a little smugness, knowing she had me hook line and sinker
“I’m up for another date though”
Then after a minute or two she suddenly said
“I have a confession to make”
“Oh” I responded fearing the worst
“I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t scared of heights” she confessed
“I only finished the course because I didn’t want you to think I was wet”
And I laughed
“It’s not funny” she said crossly
“I’m laughing because I was scared to death myself, I just gritted my teeth and got on with it because I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp”
I said and she laughed as well.
When the laughter had subsided we both concurred that it had been a good first date.
It was early evening when we finished our coffee and said fair well to our fellow adventurers and the weather was still lovely.
We were both getting peckish and as neither of us were ready for the date to end and as we were only half an hour away from the coast we headed off to Pepperstock Bay where we ended the momentous day eating fish and chips out of the paper on the sea front and talked about the day.
Our first kiss came in true romantic style as the sun slowly sank beyond the horizon and on the journey home we planned our second date.
Life With Dorcas (Part Two) Not For The Faint Hearted
Having plucked up the courage, at my Godsons Christening, to ask Dorcas Fox-Martin out on a date and bolstered by her positive response I very foolishly neglected to cement the arrangement there and then and furthermore left the Christening party without securing either a firm date for the erm….. date or any contact details for her.
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
Life With Dorcas (Part One) Uncle Ben’s Big Day
I had always been a contented person and altogether happy with my lot.
Though not a wealthy person by any measurement I had everything I wanted and all was well in my world.
I had a job that I enjoyed I had a family that I loved and got along well with and I lived in my own modest cottage in the pleasant English village of Bushy Down.
I had everything a man could want and I was content, that was, until a few weeks after my twenty ninth birthday when I met Dorcas Fox-Martin.
It was a glorious Sunday morning in June and the Village of Bushy Down was looking particularly picturesque.
I was on my way to St Lucy’s Church in the village, not somewhere I was completely unfamiliar with but somewhere I hadn’t been as often as I should have.
Though on that particular morning I had a more pressing need to be there other than the neglect of my spiritual wellbeing.
Because on that morning Ben Overton, that’s me, was to be Godfather to his nephew Connor.
My sister Helen was three years younger than me and was the baby of the family and now had a baby of her own who was about to be christened.
It was as I walked to the church, preoccupied by thoughts of pride at my impending Godfatherhood that my life was changed forever.
Having caught sight of Helen on the Church steps I quickly crossed Church Lane and was brought rudely to my senses by the blast of a car horn.
I jumped out of the way and reached the safety of the footpath and braced myself to launch a tirade at the impatient shit on the other end of the car horn.
But when I turned to face the driver I was greeted by a beautiful smiling brunette.
Who mouthed the word “sorry” which completely disarmed me.
Helen and her husband Mark watching from the Church steps thought it was highly amusing that I had nearly been turned into road kill.
I turned around to give them a withering look and when I returned my attention back to the pretty vehicular assassin she had gone and that was that or so I thought.
It was at the end of the main service when the Reverend Hunter began the Baptism of my nephew Connor Innes into the faith that I saw again.
It turned out that “Penelope Pitstop” the beautiful, if dangerous brunette, was a close friend of my sister Helen and was also to be a Godparent to my nephew.
I have to confess as proud as I was to be Godfather I didn’t really follow proceedings as closely as I should have as my eyes were constantly drawn to the beautiful girl on the other side of the font.
But at the end I lost sight of her in the melee as everyone decanted from the Church and such was the affect this beautiful stranger had on me that I drove to my mum’s house in Kiddingstone full of trepidation that she was gone forever.
I parked in the street outside my Parents house and went in.
“Hey Ben” Helen said as I entered the kitchen “you got here safely then?”
“Very funny” I countered
“You’re obviously safer as a driver than you are as a pedestrian” She said and roared with laughter.
“Shut up and give me a beer lippy” I replied
She went to the fridge and took out a bottle, opened it and handed it to me.
“Thanks sis,” I said “have you got a glass?”
I didn’t like drinking from the bottle, I couldn’t stand it, and it was a bit of a joke within the family I thought it was common.
“You are so old” Helen said laughing
“I just have standards” I retorted pompously “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s in the lounge showing Gran the video” She replied.
My Gran was 91 and quite frail and wasn’t well enough to attend the Christening so the ceremony was videoed by my brother Danny and it was being played back for her so she would feel included in proceeding.
“You should go and watch it yourself” she added “as you missed most of it as you were ogling Dorcas”
“Dorcas?” I asked playing dumb
“Yes the pretty brunette you couldn’t take your eyes off” she said
“I think you’re imagining it” I answered as I left the kitchen
“I think you’re smitten” she shouted after me
I was about to unleash a witty retort in response but I was suddenly knocked sideways into the wall slopping my drink down my trousers.
“Sorry” she said “I wasn’t looking where I was going”
I turned around to face my assailant
“That’s…” and that was all I could say as I gazed upon the smiling face of the beautiful girl I knew to be, though we had not been introduced, Dorcas.
I don’t know how long I stood there staring at her or how long I would have continued to stare had she not broken the silence.
“This is becoming a bit of a habit” She said “my name is Dor…”
“Dorcas” I continued
“Yes” she answered “and you’re Ben”
And so the introductions were complete and from the first moment we met she bought something into my world that I hadn’t even noticed I didn’t have, love.
I was besotted with the diminutive young woman with the immense personality and a heart as big as the moon.
As I said when I began I was quite content with my lot and I had not felt my life suffered for the want of love, I had not craved it nor coveted it, I just thought it was something that was inflicted on other people and I was immune but once I tasted it I was hooked.
Had it not been for the fact that she had almost run me down and had fate not also decreed we both be Godparents to the same child I don’t think I would ever have spoken to her, let alone asked her out but ask her out I did and furthermore she said yes.
Though not a wealthy person by any measurement I had everything I wanted and all was well in my world.
I had a job that I enjoyed I had a family that I loved and got along well with and I lived in my own modest cottage in the pleasant English village of Bushy Down.
I had everything a man could want and I was content, that was, until a few weeks after my twenty ninth birthday when I met Dorcas Fox-Martin.
It was a glorious Sunday morning in June and the Village of Bushy Down was looking particularly picturesque.
I was on my way to St Lucy’s Church in the village, not somewhere I was completely unfamiliar with but somewhere I hadn’t been as often as I should have.
Though on that particular morning I had a more pressing need to be there other than the neglect of my spiritual wellbeing.
Because on that morning Ben Overton, that’s me, was to be Godfather to his nephew Connor.
My sister Helen was three years younger than me and was the baby of the family and now had a baby of her own who was about to be christened.
It was as I walked to the church, preoccupied by thoughts of pride at my impending Godfatherhood that my life was changed forever.
Having caught sight of Helen on the Church steps I quickly crossed Church Lane and was brought rudely to my senses by the blast of a car horn.
I jumped out of the way and reached the safety of the footpath and braced myself to launch a tirade at the impatient shit on the other end of the car horn.
But when I turned to face the driver I was greeted by a beautiful smiling brunette.
Who mouthed the word “sorry” which completely disarmed me.
Helen and her husband Mark watching from the Church steps thought it was highly amusing that I had nearly been turned into road kill.
I turned around to give them a withering look and when I returned my attention back to the pretty vehicular assassin she had gone and that was that or so I thought.
It was at the end of the main service when the Reverend Hunter began the Baptism of my nephew Connor Innes into the faith that I saw again.
It turned out that “Penelope Pitstop” the beautiful, if dangerous brunette, was a close friend of my sister Helen and was also to be a Godparent to my nephew.
I have to confess as proud as I was to be Godfather I didn’t really follow proceedings as closely as I should have as my eyes were constantly drawn to the beautiful girl on the other side of the font.
But at the end I lost sight of her in the melee as everyone decanted from the Church and such was the affect this beautiful stranger had on me that I drove to my mum’s house in Kiddingstone full of trepidation that she was gone forever.
I parked in the street outside my Parents house and went in.
“Hey Ben” Helen said as I entered the kitchen “you got here safely then?”
“Very funny” I countered
“You’re obviously safer as a driver than you are as a pedestrian” She said and roared with laughter.
“Shut up and give me a beer lippy” I replied
She went to the fridge and took out a bottle, opened it and handed it to me.
“Thanks sis,” I said “have you got a glass?”
I didn’t like drinking from the bottle, I couldn’t stand it, and it was a bit of a joke within the family I thought it was common.
“You are so old” Helen said laughing
“I just have standards” I retorted pompously “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s in the lounge showing Gran the video” She replied.
My Gran was 91 and quite frail and wasn’t well enough to attend the Christening so the ceremony was videoed by my brother Danny and it was being played back for her so she would feel included in proceeding.
“You should go and watch it yourself” she added “as you missed most of it as you were ogling Dorcas”
“Dorcas?” I asked playing dumb
“Yes the pretty brunette you couldn’t take your eyes off” she said
“I think you’re imagining it” I answered as I left the kitchen
“I think you’re smitten” she shouted after me
I was about to unleash a witty retort in response but I was suddenly knocked sideways into the wall slopping my drink down my trousers.
“Sorry” she said “I wasn’t looking where I was going”
I turned around to face my assailant
“That’s…” and that was all I could say as I gazed upon the smiling face of the beautiful girl I knew to be, though we had not been introduced, Dorcas.
I don’t know how long I stood there staring at her or how long I would have continued to stare had she not broken the silence.
“This is becoming a bit of a habit” She said “my name is Dor…”
“Dorcas” I continued
“Yes” she answered “and you’re Ben”
And so the introductions were complete and from the first moment we met she bought something into my world that I hadn’t even noticed I didn’t have, love.
I was besotted with the diminutive young woman with the immense personality and a heart as big as the moon.
As I said when I began I was quite content with my lot and I had not felt my life suffered for the want of love, I had not craved it nor coveted it, I just thought it was something that was inflicted on other people and I was immune but once I tasted it I was hooked.
Had it not been for the fact that she had almost run me down and had fate not also decreed we both be Godparents to the same child I don’t think I would ever have spoken to her, let alone asked her out but ask her out I did and furthermore she said yes.
Wednesday 9 October 2013
A Little Bit Of Humour # 31
ARE YOU WEARING THAT LADY’S FAVOUR?
Are you wearing that lady’s favour?
Well I should tell you sir knight
That if you’re fighting for her virtue
It really isn’t worth the fight
ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?
Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?
Well it looks like you’ve had a shock
It’s not a good look on you at all
It looks like you overdosed on Botox
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?
Are you wearing a muffler?
To keep the cold off your chest
Well should it not do the job
I know what to do for the best
I’ll just rub Vick on your skin
Inside your thermal vest
ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a smug expression?
Well that can mean just one thing
As you’re dressed in that dark suit
You didn’t shake before letting it swing
ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?
Are you wearing contact lenses?
In your “mince pies”
Because they shine
At night like cats eyes
ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?
Are you wearing an apron?
It’s very pretty and frilly
It’s not very big though
Just enough to cover your Willy
ARE YOU WEARING A BARRETTE?
Are you wearing a barrette?
I can see something shining there
Holding your tresses from your face
Silver in your brunette hair
ARE YOU WEARING A DUTCH CAP?
Are you wearing a Dutch cap?
Not the contraceptive madam
A hat from Holland, I see now
That it reads “I love Amsterdam”
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 1
Are you wearing slacks?
Oh I hate to call them that
They’re only trousers really
Unless you’re a pretentious twat
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 2
Are you wearing slacks?
It’s certainly very casual attire
But not the kind of look
The fashion world desire
But fine for ordinary people
Who don’t set the world on fire
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a nightie?
Something sexy and flighty
I hope it’s a little see through
And through it I can see you
Are you wearing that lady’s favour?
Well I should tell you sir knight
That if you’re fighting for her virtue
It really isn’t worth the fight
ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?
Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?
Well it looks like you’ve had a shock
It’s not a good look on you at all
It looks like you overdosed on Botox
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?
Are you wearing a muffler?
To keep the cold off your chest
Well should it not do the job
I know what to do for the best
I’ll just rub Vick on your skin
Inside your thermal vest
ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a smug expression?
Well that can mean just one thing
As you’re dressed in that dark suit
You didn’t shake before letting it swing
ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?
Are you wearing contact lenses?
In your “mince pies”
Because they shine
At night like cats eyes
ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?
Are you wearing an apron?
It’s very pretty and frilly
It’s not very big though
Just enough to cover your Willy
ARE YOU WEARING A BARRETTE?
Are you wearing a barrette?
I can see something shining there
Holding your tresses from your face
Silver in your brunette hair
ARE YOU WEARING A DUTCH CAP?
Are you wearing a Dutch cap?
Not the contraceptive madam
A hat from Holland, I see now
That it reads “I love Amsterdam”
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 1
Are you wearing slacks?
Oh I hate to call them that
They’re only trousers really
Unless you’re a pretentious twat
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 2
Are you wearing slacks?
It’s certainly very casual attire
But not the kind of look
The fashion world desire
But fine for ordinary people
Who don’t set the world on fire
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a nightie?
Something sexy and flighty
I hope it’s a little see through
And through it I can see you
A Little Bit Of Humour # 30
TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER
“I have to book you” the Officer said
“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”
“No it won’t happen again” I said
“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”
TAMARA AND PANDORA
Tamara Split-Whiskers
Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte
Pandy still had her cherry
But Tammy had lost her heart
And though she tried hard
With miss ffanny-ffarte
She still couldn’t prize
Her skinny thighs apart
ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?
Are you wearing sunglasses?
Well they are the height of cool
But it’s England and its February
And you look a bloody fool
MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON
My mum went to the salon
She was in there for hours
But she didn’t get a face pack
She was beyond their powers
MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK
My wife got a mudpack
And she looked great
Until two days later
It fell off her face mate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305
Kitty Fisher took a tumble
And her skirts went all akimbo
And as her legs flew in the air
You could see she’d gone commando
I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN
I am from the Caribbean
And I find cooking very hard
But I do one thing very well
RhuBarbados and custard
TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Providing you’re careful
And avoid any reference
To the Village People
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306
Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
I bet no one predicted that
When they met in the pub
HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Hobbies are very important
Even for planners and plotters
I think everyone needs a hobby
I myself count train spotters
SHORT SHIPMENT
I told my boss at work today
That we had a short shipment
And he went absolutely mad
He got straight on the phone
And showed his discontent
We had a shipment of shorts
Is what I actually meant
THE RED LIGHT
The Red Light
Means stop, although
In the seedier parts
It does mean go
“I have to book you” the Officer said
“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”
“No it won’t happen again” I said
“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”
TAMARA AND PANDORA
Tamara Split-Whiskers
Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte
Pandy still had her cherry
But Tammy had lost her heart
And though she tried hard
With miss ffanny-ffarte
She still couldn’t prize
Her skinny thighs apart
ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?
Are you wearing sunglasses?
Well they are the height of cool
But it’s England and its February
And you look a bloody fool
MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON
My mum went to the salon
She was in there for hours
But she didn’t get a face pack
She was beyond their powers
MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK
My wife got a mudpack
And she looked great
Until two days later
It fell off her face mate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305
Kitty Fisher took a tumble
And her skirts went all akimbo
And as her legs flew in the air
You could see she’d gone commando
I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN
I am from the Caribbean
And I find cooking very hard
But I do one thing very well
RhuBarbados and custard
TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Providing you’re careful
And avoid any reference
To the Village People
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306
Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
I bet no one predicted that
When they met in the pub
HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Hobbies are very important
Even for planners and plotters
I think everyone needs a hobby
I myself count train spotters
SHORT SHIPMENT
I told my boss at work today
That we had a short shipment
And he went absolutely mad
He got straight on the phone
And showed his discontent
We had a shipment of shorts
Is what I actually meant
THE RED LIGHT
The Red Light
Means stop, although
In the seedier parts
It does mean go
A Little Bit Of Humour # 29
MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM
My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back
TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground
AS YOU ARE THE VICAR
As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you
On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock
CAMILLA AND QUENTIN
Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all
She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2
Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button
Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce
THE GREATEST QUESTION
The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no
The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know
I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED
I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to
TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?
Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face
THE GUNFIGHTER
A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West
The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”
He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie
Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done
“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”
ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?
Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown
AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS
At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon
My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back
TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground
AS YOU ARE THE VICAR
As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you
On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock
CAMILLA AND QUENTIN
Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all
She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2
Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button
Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce
THE GREATEST QUESTION
The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no
The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know
I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED
I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to
TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?
Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face
THE GUNFIGHTER
A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West
The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”
He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie
Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done
“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”
ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?
Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown
AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS
At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)