A Little Bit Of Humour # 29

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground

AS YOU ARE THE VICAR

As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you

On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock

CAMILLA AND QUENTIN

Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all

She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2

Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button

Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce

THE GREATEST QUESTION

The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no

The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know

I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED

I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?

Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West

The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”

He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie

Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player

“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done

“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”

ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown

AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS

At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon