WATCH OUT IN TRANSYLVANIA

 

Watch out in Transylvania

Because the snowmen

Will, given the chance,

Give you a nasty frostbite

MEDICAL SALAD

 

He has celery sticking out of his left ear,

And lettuce sticking out of the right,

Ans asked the doctor what was wrong

The doctor says, “you're not eating right.”

I THREW MY ROOT BEER

 

I threw my root beer

Straight in the bin

Because Dr Pepper

Is like fizzy Benylin

Uncanny Tales – (099) Heart of Oak

 

It’s 1660 and after the death of the puritan tyrant Cromwell the monarchy has been restored under Charles the II.

In the south of England, the summer is fading as the land is hastened into autumn.

Jay’s and squirrels compete in the oak forests for the acorns both burying them in the rich earth in store for the winter ahead.

 

“It’s cold, very cold and wet” It said to itself “and I can’t see anything.”

This went on for some time although how much time it was unable to say as it had no means by which to measure.

On some days it was impossible to move as the penetrating cold held it vice like.

On others it is awash and almost floating.

Then things felt different it was warmer and it was changing, and a most peculiar feeling came over it.

There was a tearing sensation, and it was moving upwards, and it was getting warmer and warmer.

All of a sudden it wasn’t dark anymore.

The acorn had burst forth from the rich earth as a seedling oak.

The seedling felt fantastic and the feelings it was experiencing were like no others it had ever felt before.

Then came the time to survey its new surroundings it was in an open space surrounded by huge oak trees one of which had produced the acorn from which it emerged.

The ground was dappled with golden patches which moved from place to place.

Beyond the huge oaks were more open spaces and more mighty oaks as far as it could see.

In the other open spaces, there were more seedlings also taking in their new situations.

But apart from the trees there were creatures of various shapes and sizes from small things with lots of legs to large four-legged creatures and other that flew in the air.

Some creatures actually ate the smaller ones.

The very big creatures occasionally trampled the tiny seedlings, it was not looking forward to that.    

On the whole the seedling thought its new situation was very nice indeed.

However, it had not yet experienced rain, hail, wind, fog, frost, and snow.

 

It’s now 1760 and mad King George III takes to the throne where he remains for sixty years.

 

The seedling is now a strong young oak, young and in it prime and does not fear the trampling beasts of the forest.

Its view is still restricted to the surrounding Oaks and clearings although he now towers over the latest crop of seedlings.

Some of the once mighty oaks lay broken on the ground brought down by a combination of age and wind or the weight of snow.

These are now the habitat of the many legged creatures.

 

1860 and Queen Victoria rules the land and times they are a changing a revolution is taking place, the industrial revolution and this revolution is driven by great wood burning machines.

 

The oak is now middle aged and stout it is now among the tallest trees in its part of the forest though its view is relatively unchanged, for now.

The oak has noticed the air tastes different and there is a sound in the distance that was not there before.

Everything else remains the same the creatures come and go until one day a new creature arrives it is four legged but only uses two the oak does not like this creature. it smells different, it smells of death.

The two legged one was the first of many, but they all had the same smell.

 

1960 Queen Elizabeth II is on the throne and again the land stands on the brink of another revolution this time it’s the sexual revolution where the world dives headlong into a spiral of depravity.

 

The oak stands in a small wood he is the largest and grandest of the trees remaining.

The two-legged ones devoured the old forest for their machines which drove their revolution and their wars.

All those many years the oak craved to see beyond the other oaks and clearings now craved only the old views.

 

2005 Queen Elizabeth II still reigns the land, but it is now a land where the people have learned the value of what nature is are resolved to protect what they have left and if possible, add to it and are full of optimism for the future.

    

Our oak now stands a full 70 feet tall and proudly looks down upon a new forest, a young forest of seedlings and saplings.

Our oak is old and tired, but it is content that the forest which it knows it will never see mature knows all the same that mature it will.

One day when it has been felled by the wind or the weight of snow and it becomes the habitat for the many legged ones it will return to the enrich the earth from whence it came those many years ago.

It may well be that once the Jays and squirrels have competed for the crop of acorns it will again burst forth from the rich earth as a seedling oak.

 

Uncanny Tales – (098) Indecent Proposal

 

The Dulcets are a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet St Mary, Dulcet Green, and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course Dulcet-on-Willow which was a large sprawling village beside the gentle shallow River Willow, which ran unhurriedly from the Pepperstock Hills to the more vibrant River Brooke.

Ryan Lansbury was a long-time resident of the village, and he was popular with many of the other locals because Ryan was young, tall, dark, and handsome, physically fit, well-toned and had a reputation as a ladies’ man, which was very well warranted.

He was 28 years old, and his father owned half of the Dulcets, and he was grooming him to one day take over the reins of his modest real estate empire, unfortunately for his father Ryan had no interest in the business as he was primarily interested in crumpet in all its forms.

Obviously, he didn’t restrict his conquests to just the inhabitants of the Dulcets he also cast his net far and wide as he shagged everything in sight.

But his father controlled the purse strings, so he was often restricted to the villages, which he didn’t mind as he actually loved it, it was a beautiful place, it was quiet and the air was clean and the women were as attractive, friendly, and willing as any city girl, and there were more than enough to keep him entertained, both new conquests and frequently flyers. 

Among the local villagers, lonely widows, desperate singles, even more desperate divorcees, and the bored house frau’s he was manna from heaven, and he was very indiscriminate in spreading himself around, but he made an exception in the case of Goldie Vaghese.

She was neither a widow, a divorcee, a frequent flyer, or a local cougar, what she was, was the vicar’s daughter and she was only 17.

Goldie had been trying to get into Ryan’s bed since the moment she turned 16 but he had resisted her allure.

The reason for that was not that she wasn’t attractive, she was very, she was a petite blonde, with a beautiful face and tidy body.

Nor was it her age, he had bedded plenty of 17- and 18-year-olds in his time and would doubtless have a good many more.

His issue with her was the fact she was the vicar’s innocent daughter and he thought it would be a step too far, so he kept dodging her less than subtle advances.  

He managed to keep her at arm’s length for more than six months without too much difficulty, but she became bolder and bolder until one day when he had been for meal at the Pub in the village and walked over to his car and found Goldie sitting in the passenger seat.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I was just passing” she replied.

“You have to stop doing this” he said and got into the driver’s seat.

But when he got in the car, he noticed she was wearing a pale blue top but was completely naked from the waist down.

“Can we go now?” she asked and put her left foot up on the dashboard.

“For God’s sake Goldie cover yourself up”.

“Why, don’t you like what you see?”

“That’s not the problem” he said, “Someone will see”.

“Then take me somewhere else” Goldie said coyly.

“How many times do I have to say it, no” he said.

“Now cover yourself up and I’ll take you home”.

“I don’t want to go home” she replied “but you can “take me”“

“Stop!” he snapped.

“Why? What’s wrong with me?” she said angrily.

“You have absolutely no morals whatsoever and you shag anyone and everyone” she retorted “So why not me?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You don’t need to get defensive; I know you’re shagging half the women in the Dulcets” she said matter of fact-Ly “and so does everyone else so don’t bother trying to deny it, I even know who a lot of them are,”

“I think someone has been spreading rumours” he said defensively.

“If they were only rumours, I wouldn’t be interested in letting you shag me” she said.

Ryan went to speak but Goldie stopped him by asking.

“So why not me?” she said angrily.

“You’re too young” he said.

“Rubbish I’m nearly 18 so it’s not illegal”.

“And I’m 28 so it may not be illegal but it’s certainly immoral” he pointed out.

“Why? It’s not as if I’m a virgin” she said, and he looked shocked.

“What? you thought because I’m a Vicars daughter that I was all virginal and pure?” she scoffed.

“Well yes” he said.

“Really? Well, I haven’t been a pure Christian maid since I was 13” she confessed.

“So now can we go somewhere and shag?” she asked and

Ryan replied by starting the engine.

Uncanny Tales – (097) The Call of Duty – They’ve Got Us Surrounded

 

Being a man of a certain age, I have always been a great admirer of the generation ahead of me and there resoluteness in the face of adversity.

Their resilience and fortitude during the Second World War when ordinary men and women donned the many and various uniforms of the armed forces and stood up to be counted.

In the beginning it was a voluntary system, and you had some level of choice as to what arm of the forces you wanted to go into but once you chose your preferred service there was no guarantee that you would get it and once in you had no control as to what you would end up doing.

Now obviously some roles were more dangerous than others but nonetheless I still think they were very brave.

There wasn’t really a cushy number to be had you were all in the firing line to some degree.

And it wasn’t just those in military uniform who risked their lives.

Police, Firemen, ARP, fire watchers, Observers and the merchant marine were just as brave.

 

If it were me joining up back, then I’m not sure which service I would have preferred.

But whatever service you ended up with or the role within it there were some more hazardous than others.

Some so hazardous that it was like wearing a target along with the uniform.

The peril that some of them placed themselves under was truly astonishing and there are a number who deserve special mention, so I have picked one example from each service and one civilian occupation to illustrate the courage that was commonplace.

 

Paratroopers

 

Finding a candidate from the Army was quite difficult as it is such a broad church.

With many suitable examples to choose from but after some little thought I settled on the paratroopers who I once heard described as the “umbrella danglers”.

In army strategy one of the cardinal sins is to allow your forces to become surrounded or cut off from the main body.

I remember reading about an American soldier from one of their airborne divisions, it was after the Germans had broken through the Allied lines in the heavily forested Ardennes region of Wallonia in Belgium which is perhaps better known as the Battle of the Bulge.

The soldier was reporting to his officer on the situation and said.

“The Germans have us surrounded sir”.

The officer looked directly at the young soldier and replied.

“We’re paratrooper’s son, we’re supposed to be surrounded”.

And that kind of sums them up really.

Uncanny Tales – (096) The Call of Duty – Above Us the Waves

 

Being a man of a certain age, I have always been a great admirer of the generation ahead of me and there resoluteness in the face of adversity.

Their resilience and fortitude during the Second World War when ordinary men and women donned the many and various uniforms of the armed forces and stood up to be counted.

In the beginning it was a voluntary system, and you had some level of choice as to what arm of the forces you wanted to go into but once you chose your preferred service there was no guarantee that you would get it and once in you had no control as to what you would end up doing.

Now obviously some roles were more dangerous than others but nonetheless I still think they were very brave.

There wasn’t really a cushy number to be had you were all in the firing line to some degree.

And it wasn’t just those in military uniform who risked their lives.

Police, Firemen, ARP, fire watchers, Observers and the merchant marine were just as brave.

 

If it were me joining up back, then I’m not sure which service I would have preferred.

But whatever service you ended up with or the role within it there were some more hazardous than others.

Some so hazardous that it was like wearing a target along with the uniform.

The peril that some of them placed themselves under was truly astonishing and there are a number who deserve special mention, so I have picked one example from each service and one civilian occupation to illustrate the courage that was commonplace.

 

Submariners

 

Unlike the other branches my candidate for the Navy was a no brainer there can be no braver section of the Senior Service than the Submariners.

Most Navy men devote all their collective effort to keep their vessel afloat, but the submariners deliberately submerge themselves.

Even sailing in a submerged boat during peacetime was a dangerous occupation.

But in wartime it was necessary to spent prolonged periods under water and for that you have to be a special type of person.

At the dangers were many, Enemy Cruisers spewing depth charges, Submarine hunting aircraft, strong currents, minefields, and submerged hazards.

And should any one of those result in damage to the sub no one was going to come and find you.