PUT DOWN # 60

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Ignore him unless he persists then say

“How many times do I have to flush

Before you go away?”

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG

Suicide is painless, according to the song

I think it’s supposed to be a witticism

But I have always thought of suicide

As the most sincere form of self-criticism

MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE

 

My brother and I are chalk and cheese

As hard as I try we just don’t fit

i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign

He has an urge to relieve himself on it

WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN

 

When a ninety two year old man

Married his eighteen year old bride

She had a blush on her cheeks

 

And after the wedding breakfast

She was presented with the presents

And he was given two weeks

THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS

 

The inventor of dental floss

Was honoured and hailed

When a piece of commemorative

Plaque was unveiled

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

 

The Guinness book of records

Have published an update

The world’s untidiest man has died

And his body is lying in a state

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362

 

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,

Brother John? Brother John?

Your alarm is buzzing,

Your alarm is buzzing

Wake up John, Wake up John