IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

ARE YOU WEARING A CRUCIFIX?

 

Are you wearing a crucifix?

Is it God’s grace you are appeasing?

Is it a symbol of your devotion?

Or is it just aesthetically pleasing

Are you a good Christian girl?

Or are you taunting and teasing

Well by that look in your eye

I think you’re up for a squeezing

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

 

I have a phobia about flying

And I won’t fly Virgin, no way

After all why use an airline

That doesn’t go all the way?

YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK

 

You should never get back

Together with an old flame

It’s like having a garage sale

And buying your stuff back again

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN

 

New evidence indicates that women

Who carry a little extra weight

Will live considerably longer

Than the men who mention it mate

IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL

 

If I had a pound for each and every girl

That said that they found me unattractive,

It would increase my worth eventually

And then they would find me attractive

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

 

I always thought that alcohol

Made me funnier, smarter, oh

And a much better dancer

But then I saw myself on video