ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

 

Are you wearing a prophylactic?

What do you mean “what’s one of them”

Bloody hell, are you really that thick

A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?

It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on

So, I don’t get knocked up by a moron

I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM

I find modern living hard to fathom

As life throws up unlikely pairs

For few women admit their age

And even fewer men act theirs

FORGETFUL

 

I forget names; I forget faces

I even forget to zip up my fly

But by far the worst thing

Is forgetting to unzip your fly

THE SILVER VOTERS

 

The nations older aged voters

Are not that easy to impress

Because as you grow older

You stand for more and fall for less

MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR

 

My wife asked if her appendix scar

Made her look unattractive, a bit

I was quick to dispel any misgivings

She might have in regard to it

And uttered the reassuring words

"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"

MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN

My wife was being a drama queen and said

"I feel like jumping in front of a bus

And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable

And God did she ever make a fuss

I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD

 

I know that you’re really old

But your aging appears static

Which means you must have

A portrait hanging in the attic