I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

 

I don’t deserve someone

Thoughtful, warm and caring

I don’t deserve someone

Loving and understanding

I don’t deserve someone

Affectionate and true

I don’t deserve any of that

Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”

I told my wife,

“Extinguishing  

All signs of life”

 

Writ on granite

To survive the weather

“Here lies my wife

As cold as ever” 

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”

Said my wife,

“Extinguishing  

All signs of life”

 

Writ on a plaque

Of shinning brass

“Here lies my husband

Stiff at last” 

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife

We’re having a fight

At the breakfast table. 

But before he took flight

From the tempestuous scene

These terrible words were said

In the heat of the moment

“And you’re no good in bed”

Later when he got home

She and another were in sexual union

“What are you doing?”

He yelled on the unhappy reunion

She replied calmly

“I was getting a second opinion!”

MOTHER OF TWO

 

George is a married man

Who is content with his lot

But he calls his wife “mother of two”

Which she likes not a jot

 

One day at a house party

He said as the partying was done

“Come along then “mother of two””

She replied “ok father of one”

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

 

She said to me last night

“Left a bit, right a bit,

Forward, now back,

Up a bit, down a bit”

With the relentless instructions

She was barking

I snapped “for God’s sake

Are we having sex or parking?”

WHEN I WAS A BABE

 

When I was a babe

Milk was my tipple

Either from a bottle

Or from mummy’s nipple

 

When I was a boy

Soda was the tops

Delicious bubbly

Sugary Fizzy pops

 

When I was a man

Beer hit the spot

A foaming brew

In a glass pint pot

 

Now I’m an old man

Drinking has no charm

As all my fluids

Now go thru my arm