A PRESSING OCCUPATION

 

The woman that does my ironing

Has always been harassed and stressed

But lately her work has gone to pot

And I think she may be depressed

A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT

 

Since I happily retired

I have the reason and rhyme

To devote to my hobbies

So, I spend most of my time

In the pursuit of excellence

And just in my spare time

I have perfected the art

Of converting beer and wine

Incredibly quickly

Into pure golden urine

IN THE EVENT OF ???

 

When three out of four engines

Catastrophically fail during flight

You will still have enough power

To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

 

My head is completely devoid

Of hair of any shade or hue

So, when asked for hair colour

On official forms, what do I do?

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 1

 

The simplest pleasures in life

Requiring no payment or fee

But give the most satisfaction

In spite of their simplicity

Like the unparalleled relief

You get from taking a pee

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

 

I got the tell-tale sign

As I was stood in crowd

And I knew its containment

Would not be aloud

So, what should I do?

Release a silent gaseous cloud

And slowly move away

Or just let rip long and loud

A fart of which

Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

 

You feel the gripey twinge

Your tummy starts to grown

It always happens in the lift

When you’re not alone

 

You know it won’t be held

You just hope there is time

To get off the lift

Before you commit the crime

 

And just when you think

You can’t hold it anymore

The lift comes to a stop

Though it’s not your floor

 

But you decide to get off

As you can’t hold it anymore

And release a quiet fart

As you step through the door

 

You sigh with relief

You made it just in time

And then the doors close

On the scene of the crime

 

And even though

You’re on the wrong floor

You know your smelly fart

Is the other side of the door