PUT DOWN # 21

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

When he says to you

“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”

Just reply to him

“No I'm a female impersonator”

SCARED HALF TO DEATH

 

Last week I got a fright

That scared me half to death

But that’s not the real trouble

What happens if next week

I get another terrible fright

Will that make it a deadly double?

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK

 

There is much more to a woman

Than what she can put on show

There is more in the emporium

Than there is in the shop window

 

Like an expensive Champagne

That a Lambrusco will out fizzle

A woman displaying all her assets

Is invariably all sausage and no sizzle

 

It’s the homely types that most excite

Hiding their figure neath frumpy dress

Shy and modest to the outside world

It’s the quiet ones who most impress

 

Beneath sober dress they burn hottest

Much hotter than the most brazen vamp

And when you get them alone, they turn

From prim librarian into wanton tramp

MARTYRS LANE

 

When the martyr’s mothers reminisce

Clutching photos that they kiss

They shed a tear for their lost sons

Who blew themselves up for martyrdom

Then one tearful mother is heard to say

“They blow up so fast, don't they?'

MATINEE

 

I don’t like modern films

Over hyped, over killed

They so often disappoint

The audiences once thrilled

 

I find now as I get older

The most joy that I can muster

Is from watching an old favourite

Than a modern blockbuster

HOME SPUN PHILOSOPHY # 1

 

A positive attitude

May not solve all the problems you’ll face

Which can make your life a trial

But a positive attitude

Will annoy enough people along the way

To more than make it worth your while

FRANKLY MY DEAR

 

What would a fish say?

If it swam into a concrete wall?

Well, it would probably say “dam”

If it said anything at all