TIMING IS EVERYTHING

 

We were both young me and him

And full of vigour and vim

So why was our sex life so grim?

 

We understood the mechanics

We enjoyed each other’s bits

And knew where everything fits

 

So why? Pray tell me, was it

When we get down to do it

Our expectation were never met

 

We tried every artificial aid

Roll play and other forms of charade

So, a radical decision was made

 

We visited a doctor’s surgery

In hope to relieve our anxiety

Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

 

I could set my mind at rest

That when he was rummaging in my vest

I was functioning at my best

 

There was no problem with me, but him

Though both full of vigour and vim

He was the reason our sex life was grim

 

Because when we got down to jigger

And he was grappling with my figure

It quickly set off his hair trigger

 

His defect was certainly a pity

But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity

And found a man with sexual longevity

PUT DOWN # 3

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

When he says to you

“Haven't I seen you some place before”?

Just say clearly to him

“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore” 

WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?

 

“Who killed Cock Robin?”

 “I,” said the Sparrow,

“With my bow and arrow,

I killed Cock Robin.”

 

“Who killed the sparrows?”

 “We,” said the Humans,

“Without many deftly hands,

We killed the sparrows.”

 

“Why kill the sparrows?”

“Because they are so small,

And don’t matter at all,

That’s why we kill the sparrows.”

 

“Who killed the humans?”

“Mother nature did the act,

For man’s breach of contract,

Mother nature had to act”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 3

 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon "what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)

 

I’ve met strange girls

In this life of mine

When seeking company

From time to time

Strange like the sisters

That once I knew

Two sisters known

As Pam and Sue

 

Now Pam was the oldest

As a matter of fact

And she had blonde hair

Right down her back

That sounds all right

You would have said

But it grew down her back

And not on her head

 

Now Sue was the younger

It has to be said

And she wasn’t blonde

She was a red head

And when I saw her

I was filled with dread

She had no hair

Just a very red head

 

I’ve met strange girls

In this life of mine

When seeking company

From time to time

But none since the sisters

That once I knew

Who went by the names

Of Pam and Sue

THE MARITAL PROCESS

 

I think that marriage

Is not as the bible may suggest

For adults to produce children

Through marital congress

But rather the opposite is true

If I might hazard my guess

It is for children to produce adults

At the end of the marital process

WHO IS ANNE ADCOCK?

 

The very acerbic Anne Adcock

Who seems to appear adhoc

In order to criticize or knock

 

Seems to appear out of nowhere

Materializing out of the ether

Leaving no way to contact her

 

She hides behind her anonymity

Like the Scarlet Pimpernel maybe

Or perhaps she is actually a he

 

She protects the sacred grammar

Never knowing when to expect her

She’s like the Pimpernel in that manner

 

They seek her here

They seek her there

They seek Ms Adcock everywhere

Is she in hiding?

Or is she not

That darned elusive Anne Adcock