TELETUBBIES NEWS # 1

 

Breaking news, a Theme Park

For the Teletubbies is planned

But it only features one of them

It’s to be called Laa-Laa Land

WRITER CHARLES DICKENS

 

Writer Charles Dickens

Kept in his kitchen

The best of thymes,

The worst of thymes

Uncanny Tales – (37) No Finger Pointing Guaranteed

 

I worked for the same man for more than twenty years and for most of those years it was like working for a schizophrenic, because of his mood swings.

One day he would be an irrational gibbering idiot, next day completely rational and on another day, he was like a zombie, it was like he’d had speed on his cornflakes one morning and downers in his coffee the next.

His poor diet didn’t help his condition with his favourite meal being a Big Mac, Large fries and a Chockie shake.

On his lucid days he was a sound bite man, he liked what he considered to be well-constructed snappy phases, which got right to the crux or essence of any situation, the reality of course was something quite different.

He probably took a lot of his key words from the self-help book

“How to speak employer drivel”    

The problem was that although they may well have worked in California, they lost some of their edge when spoken in a Lancashire accent.

Some words and phrases though lasted almost as long as I knew him, for example:

“Basically” as used in “Basically Paul you work for me I don’t work for you”

“Now We’re Cooking With Gas” this denoted things were going well.

“Kicking Ass And Taking Names” this was in lieu of a greeting.

“Hey, Take No Prisoners, Me” this was the prelude to negotiation.

“No Finger Pointing Guaranteed” I still don’t know what this means.

The most interesting thing I ever heard him say was

“I wonder what the collective noun is for a busload of nutter’s” and even to this day I have no idea what prompted him to say it and as soon as he’d finished speaking he turned on his heels and returned to his office.

The scary thing is that he was ever employed in such a position of responsibility and even scarier still I’m sure that there are a lot more like him out there.

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 3

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

I knew as Jo with the flat chest

Who had nothing inside her vest

But I was still blessed

For she had other attributes

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 2

 

You know you’re getting old

When you start to curse and mutter

After realising you spread face cream

On your bread instead of butter

TELETUBBIES NEWS # 2

 

Breaking news, a Theme Park

For the Teletubbies is planned

But it only features one of them

It’s going to be called Po Land

I HAVE BEEN FIRED BY THE BAKERY

I have been fired by the bakery

Ten years I worked for them

However, losing my job is now

The yeast of my problems