THE LORD SAID UNTO JOHN

 

"Come forth and you will receive

Eternal life" The Lord said

But unfortunately, John came fifth

As a result, he won a TV instead

IT WAS UP ON ILKLEY MOOR

 

It was up on Ilkley Moor

Where I met a Yorkshire chap

And I could see he was dyslexic

As he was wearing a cat flap

Uncanny Tales – (016) What’s Yours Called?

 

Most people if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object, especially men.

Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest probably didn’t understand the question.

The commonest object, by some distance, to be endowed with a pet name, is the car and more often than not it will be a feminine name.

This is because we perceive that a cars personality is inherently female.

The reasons for this are quite obvious when you think about it, because they are high maintenance and expensive to keep, they’re unpredictable, temperamental, they only respond when you speak nicely to them and you need to endlessly accessorize.

For my part I have a dark blue Ford Fiesta which I bought brand new and I call her Abby and I did this because it was the Abbey National who loaned me the money to buy her.

 

GETTING ON # 6

 

Now I have reached old age

And in the Autumn of my days

Except for the odd heart attack

I feel as young as I always

THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 3

The meat markets are busy

Take a look if you’re able

Some meat prices fluctuate

But Horse remains stable

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 434

 

There was an old woman of Leeds,

Who spent her time in widows’ weeds;

She mourned for her team

And premier league dream

This hopeful old woman of Leeds!

FEMINIST CHEESE

 

Feminists once burned their bras

Which understandably caused a stir

But today we have a feminist cheese

And it’s been named Germaine Gruyere