THERE WERE TWO PENCILS

 

There were two pencils

But you could tell them apart

Quite easily because

One of them looked sharp

MY JOB CHOSE ME

My job chose me, unlike

Ordinary work slaves

I became an undertaker

As my name is Phil Graves

THE AUCTIONEER ON THE DAY

The auctioneer on the day

Was my best friend Domingo

And he says that the Auctions

Are like middle class bingo

I BOUGHT SHOES FROM A DRUG DEALER

 

I bought shoes from a drug dealer,

Not my normal purchase by the way,

And I don’t know what he laced them with

But I've been tripping all day

SOCIAL DISTANCING AND SELF ISOLATION

 

Social distancing and self-isolation

Is not a difficult thing to implement

When you’re in Wormwood Scrubs

And placed in solitary confinement

Uncanny Tales – (12) Foggy Mornings

 

The day began in a thick fog, both of the meteorological sort and of the mind, the former being a seasonal feature while the latter was as a result of the consumption of an excess of the local brew aptly known as brain damage and although the autumn sunshine very quickly burnt off the fog it had little or no effect on his alcohol induced mussiness.

His mouth was dry and furry and his eyes itched and he felt as if something was alive and crawling through his intestines and his head throbbed with every beat of his heart.
When he looked at the stranger with the bloodshot eyes staring back at him from the bathroom mirror he uttered those immortal words "never again”, and he meant it then, most sincerely because he felt so awful but by the day after next it would just be an unpleasant memory.
When he was a teenager he would get bladdered and next morning his hangover would only last a little over an hour and then he would be back in the pub at lunchtime.
When he was in his 20's it would last an hour longer, in his thirties he would forget the lunchtime session but be banging on the Pub door at five.
Now he was in his late forties his hangover lasted all day and sometimes even two, but they would go eventually so even when he said "never again" at the time he knew that he would still have the over indulgent fun and face the consequences.

 

GETTING ON # 2

 

You are getting old when

Financial crises don’t drive you to tears

For the simple reason your hairline

Has been in recession for years