Wednesday, 1 September 2021

Uncanny Tales – (12) Foggy Mornings

 

The day began in a thick fog, both of the meteorological sort and of the mind, the former being a seasonal feature while the latter was as a result of the consumption of an excess of the local brew aptly known as brain damage and although the autumn sunshine very quickly burnt off the fog it had little or no effect on his alcohol induced mussiness.

His mouth was dry and furry and his eyes itched and he felt as if something was alive and crawling through his intestines and his head throbbed with every beat of his heart.
When he looked at the stranger with the bloodshot eyes staring back at him from the bathroom mirror he uttered those immortal words "never again”, and he meant it then, most sincerely because he felt so awful but by the day after next it would just be an unpleasant memory.
When he was a teenager he would get bladdered and next morning his hangover would only last a little over an hour and then he would be back in the pub at lunchtime.
When he was in his 20's it would last an hour longer, in his thirties he would forget the lunchtime session but be banging on the Pub door at five.
Now he was in his late forties his hangover lasted all day and sometimes even two, but they would go eventually so even when he said "never again" at the time he knew that he would still have the over indulgent fun and face the consequences.

 

GETTING ON # 2

 

You are getting old when

Financial crises don’t drive you to tears

For the simple reason your hairline

Has been in recession for years

I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 1

 

I got a bargain on a load of steak

My competitors pay much higher

They ask where I get my horse steak

But I don’t tell them my mane supplier

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 439

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells, and cockle shells

And other tacky blingy show

EXPLODING CHEESE

 

Breaking news: there’s been an explosion

At a cheese factory in Weston-Super-Mare

There have been no reports of casualties

Though there was De Brie everywhere

A TELLING EXPRESSION

 

I told my girlfriend that she had

Drawn her eyebrows in too high

She didn’t say anything in response

But there was a look of surprise

MY WIFE ACCUSED ME

 

My wife accused me

Of being the immature sort

I wasn’t very happy

So I said “get out of my fort”