RULE BRITANNIA # 6

 

I am proud to be British

Like many other sages

As my newspapers don’t

Devote all their front pages

To a single bike race

For what seems like ages

THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 04: THE ERYMANTHIAN BOAR

Heracles when driven mad by the goddess Hera

Murdered his three children and his wife Megara

The Delphic oracle punished him for the murders

By ordering him to perform the Twelve Labors 

The labors were set by king Eurystheus his cousin

It was in Arcadia for the fourth labor he was given

His quest was to hunt the huge Erymanthian boar

And capturing the boar alive was labor number four

He immobilized the boar on Mount Erymanthus

Then carried it back on his shoulder to Eurystheus

BIMBETTE AND THE BUILDER

 

Bimbette saw a builder called Paddy one day in a bar

And she noticed on one of his wellies the letter R

Then she saw something odd on the other boot as well

She noticed that the other welly bore the letter L

Curiosity got the better of her, so she asked Paddy

“Scuse me there are letters on your boots I can see”

Paddy smiled at her and said, “It’s quite simple really”

“The one with the R on it is for my right foot you see

And the welly with the L on it goes on my left one”

Bimbette stood blankly for a while after he was done

Then suddenly the light of understanding flickers

“Blimey! So that's why I’ve got C&A on my knickers”

NEIGHBORS FROM HELL

 

Norma is just getting out of the shower when she hears their doorbell ring

Husband Jay who’s getting in the shower says “see who’s at the door darling”

So, Norma wraps herself up in a towel and runs down the stairs to answer it

She opens the front door and standing there is her next-door neighbor Sanjit

Before she could say a word Sanjit said as soon as she had opened the door

“I'll give you five hundred pounds to drop the towel you’re wearing to the floor

Norma thought for a second then dropped the towel and stood naked before him

He looked over every inch of her wet naked slender form, well toned and slim

Then without taking his eyes off her he handed her the money and was away

Excited at her windfall, Norma put the towel back on and ran upstairs to Jay

But before Norma had a chance to tell him of her good fortune with the money

Her husband shouted out from the shower, “Who was that at the door honey?”

Norma still a little flushed replied to him “It was Sanjit from next door actually”

“That’s Great,” Jay said, “Did he give you the five hundred pounds he owes me?”

BETTER DEAD THAN RED

 

Bimbette suspected that her boyfriend Fred was cheating on her

So, she went out and bought herself a gun to end the sordid affair

She went to his house and when she entered found Fred was in bed

But she found that he was not alone but in the arms of a redhead

Well, Bimbette was beside herself and she was incredibly angry

How could he betray her with a great busty redheaded old floozy?

She opened her bag took out the gun and put it to her blonde head.

He said, “No don't do it baby” she replied, “Shut up, you're next Fred!”

HOOCH HAZE

 

The day began in a fog both of the meteorological sort and of the mind as a result of excess of the local brew apply known as brain damage.

The august sun very quickly burnt off the fog but had little or no effect on his alcohol induced mussiness.

His mouth was dry and furry and his eyes itched.

He felt like something was alive and crawling through his intestines and his head throbbed with every beat of his heart.

Then as he looked at the stranger with the bloodshot eyes staring back at him from the bathroom mirror, he uttered those immortal words “never again”.

And he meant it then most sincerely because he felt so awful but by the day after tomorrow it will just be an unpleasant memory.

When he was a teenager, he would get bladdered and next morning his hangover would only last a little over an hour and then he would be back in the pub at lunchtime.

When he was in his 20’s it would last an hour longer in his thirties he would forget the lunchtime session but be banging on the door at five.

Now he was in his late forties his hangover lasted all day and sometimes even two.

But still they would go eventually so even when he said “never again” at the time he knew that he would still have the fun and face the consequences.

LIGHT QUESTION

 

Why is there a light

In my fridge geezer

But I don’t have one

Inside the freezer