Wednesday, 2 August 2017

A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

Tales of Love # 29

OH TO FEEL LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE

Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing

HAIR OF HENNA

Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)

Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter

His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail

A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 28

THAT RAINY SUNDAY

It’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you

Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears

Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile

You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see

I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after

I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday

When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead

I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
HAIR OF GREY

Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty

THE BAD NEWS CAME

The news came,
As bad news does,
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid even to cry
Until the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears
As despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness.
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten on the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
I was struck by remorse
Like a tidal wave
A tsunami of regret
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell her?
Why didn’t I say?
“I love you too”

LIFE’S SOJOURN

I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate

It was such an innocuous action,
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were just getting to your feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took and the die was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
And you make the next journey alone

I said to you when we were young
“I would love you all of your life"
And when you were still you,
Before the morphine took hold of you
You reminded me of it and said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I replied
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 27

ABIGAIL’S TALE

In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home

She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time she hears from home
With news from those she left behind

Her parents, always loving and kind
Her baby sister, annoyingly lovely
All of her friends of long standing
And of course him, the reason she left

She left her home and those she loved,
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage dismally failed
So she is building a new life for herself

Away from the people she loves
And the places and all the familiarity
The things that reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies

So Abigail lives far away in a new town
And she is making new friends
Discovering new places that will be familiar
As she tries to forget past mistakes

She has joined a new church in town
A new congregation, where her angels voice
Can sing loudly in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself

And one day very soon, Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
And not be desperately homesick and sad

One day very soon Abigail will read
A long rambling letter from home
And smile at it familiar contents
And she will not feel the old pain strike

One day very soon in her new home
Abigail will allow herself be happy
One day very soon in her new home town
Abigail will forgive herself

HAIR OF TITIAN

Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow

SHOULD I RUN?

I ask myself
Should I run to you?
And keep our secret tryst
For that sweet joy
Of being kissed

I ask myself
Should I run from you?
And protect my heart
But endure the pain
Of being apart

So I must ask myself
What joy exists
In sterile safety
Compared to being kissed
So I run to you
To the love and chemistry
And drown myself
In your sweet serenity

THOSE JOYFUL DAYS

Gone now is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Happy, carefree and in love,
As we walked hand in hand
And everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired

Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart overflowed with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And everything was taken from me

Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you until that day
When God has reunited us

I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now

GOLDEN LOVE

It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
When I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm

How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of angst, agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted

Now I could compose symphonies
And write lofty ballads to her name
I could write the sweetest love songs
And never express what are love became

I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride

I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through the calm and stormy weather

My heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true

Tales of Love # 26

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
From those closest to them,
So they meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
At their secret place
To share a clandestine love
Where the only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
A gentle lapping of water
Against the bank
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
They are fearful of discovery
As they embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree,
Its leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the water
Where, stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
Despite their fear, the lovers
Kiss in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such a tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect punctuation
And bask in its afterglow
Until they must once again stir
From their lovers languor
And sadly tread separate paths
To re-join their warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manners
No knowing looks to be exchanged
No casual brushing past
When for an exquisite moment
A hand might touch a hand
They must remain entrenched
With their warring clans
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree

HAIR OF AUBURN

Hair of Auburn
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

GIGOLO AND GIGOLETTE

Right from the start
He lost his heart
When the gigolo met
His lovely gigolette
And Philandered no more
Now he had his paramour

LOVE WASHED OVER ME

Love washed over me
Arriving at my feet,
Like the lapping of waves
On a lonely beach
But it drifted away
On the ebb tide

LEFT ALONE

Tears stung her eyes
And her voice cracked
As she remembered
Her loss hung heavy
Since he, what?
Even now she can't say it
Could not utter the word
Euphemisms fill her head
Crossed over, left the world,
Gone to a better place
He's in the next room
Passed away
Other people can say dead
But she cannot
Seven years have passed
Since it happened, her loss
And she lost so much
A husband, lover, friend
Partner, confident
And Soul mate
And even now it hurt
Though the wound
Is an old one
It is still unhealed
Still vivid red, and angry
Time is a great healer
They said to help her
To comfort her
But she thinks they lied

Tales of Love # 25

FORGOTTEN?

I had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The way she looked
With her bright elfin face
And brown soulful eyes
I had forgotten
The sound of her voice
With its sweet honeyed tones
And her infectious laughter
It had been hard
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten
The smell of her hair
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
I had forgotten her completely
She was off my radar
My senses were free of her
Free of her intoxication
Free of her narcotic
It had taken months
Going cold turkey
To cleanse myself, to detox
To shake her from my consciousness
And exorcise her from my soul
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten her
By changing jobs
Decorating the house
And ridding myself of everything
That reminded me of her
And I was free
My life was once more on an even keel
The stormy seas had been quelled
All was calm and safe
And there was such comfort
In feeling safe
The wounds had healed
Though the scars remained
I had peace of mind
When I could say
I had forgotten her

And I had forgotten her
Until that fateful day
When I found it
Down the side of the sofa
A small pearl button
Such an innocuous item
Evoking such potent memories
Of a violet lamb’s wool sweater
That accentuated her breasts so well
The button was a casualty
Of an intimate encounter
Discarded in our passionate haste
And in that instance of recognition
She was all at once back with me
My senses reawakened
Her scent was in my nostrils
I could feel her lips on mine
Her caress on my cheek
I could hear her infectious laughter
And I saw her sitting beside me
Close enough to touch
And as the wounds reopened
I realised to my dismay that
I had not forgotten her

I had not forgotten her
I had just shut down
Disabled my interface with the world
I hid away in my castle
And pulled up the draw bridge
And created my own world within
I held the button in my fingers
As the drawbridge lowered
And my castle walls fell
And the world flooded in
That little pearl button
Spoke to me in volumes
And I knew I loved her still

HAIR OF MAHOGANY

Hair of Mahogany
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

THE NIGHT OF FIRSTS

I dreamt last night
About our night of firsts
And I saw everything with such clarity
Though it was many years ago
All the sights, sounds, tastes, smells,
And of course, touch
It was such a special night
Our night of firsts
Principally it was our first date
And the first time we held hands
It was as I walked you home
Along the orchard lane
And then of course
Beneath the cherry tree
We shared our first kiss
On that late spring evening
When the air was full of perfume
And we heard the birdsong
As we gazed into each other’s eyes
Then our lips touched
And our fate was sealed
For at that moment
On our night of firsts
We fell in love
From that moment on
And all the days of our lives
Our love has lasted
And though I am alone now
And I can only kiss you in my dreams
When my time comes
We will meet again
And we will walk hand in hand
Along the orchard lane
And kiss once more
Beneath the cherry tree

THE LOVE IN US

The love in me
Touches your heart and soul
And I feel a love divine
The love in you
Touches my heart and soul
And we share a love divine
The love in us
Binds us body and soul
And we bask in a love divine

I FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE

I found my one true love
My soulmate and when
I first laid eyes on her
My eyes saw only beauty
And at once I heard music
Where there was clearly none
But I heard it nonetheless
I could tell she heard it too
And she smiled at its significance
So I returned the smile
To my heart’s desire
And then we were caught-up
In an all embracing kiss
And our love is still singing

Tales of Love # 24

BUTTERFLY SUMMER

I remember well, when we were young
And all those long halcyon days
We spent so many joyful hours
Just idling our time away
Down on her dad’s farm.
They were such happy lazy days
Swinging on that old rustic gate
Fishing in the mill pond,
Pooh sticks on the stream
And roaming the countryside
With nothing particular to do
And a world of time to do it in.
They were truly wonderful days
Pleasure filled days, innocent days,
Before the end of childhood
But that was before those amazing weeks
Of that one very special summer,
So many summers ago now,
When she transformed before my eyes,
A little more each day, into something new
Like a butterfly, emerging from its cocoon
Spreading its glorious wings in the sun
Displaying a previously unseen beauty.
A wonderful transformation
When she magically changed
From the cutely naive country girl,
An awkward and ungainly tomboy,
Into an altogether more graceful being
A beautiful young woman,
Though I was fond of the grubby faced girl
With the unruly hair, wispy and uncombed
But fondness paled and I very soon fell in love
With the beautiful butterfly that had replace her
And with the emergence of the butterfly girl
Possessed of all the wondrous beauty
Of the first flower of spring
We trod an unfamiliar path
And left our childish games behind
Taking our first tentative steps towards love,
A love that was a stranger to us, an alien thing
Yet we stepped eagerly into its turbulent sea
And immersed ourselves in its waters
We knew at once that excitement of first love
When joy was all we could see
And all of our thoughts were only for each other
Sweet moments spent in blissful adoration
Until love was burnt deeply on our souls.
Now when we walk the familiar places
Of our distant youth, as we so often do
We can stand in that very spot
Where first I beheld the butterfly
Resplendent in the sunlight
And say to her with heartfelt sincerity
That I love her still

HAIR OF CHESTNUT

Hair of Chestnut
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Just remember me with a smile.
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life as a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours
I will be with you always

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays,
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments that were ours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
In the April showers
I will be with you always

I HAVE HELD MY LOVE IN CHECK

I have held my love in check
While watching and waiting,
Cautious from the very start
Withholding romantic feelings,
And playing it safe, until the day
I find a worthy receptive heart

WHY IS IT THAT LOVES TEMPERATE FLAME

Why is it that
Loves temperate flame
Cools the bearer over time
Why is it so sweet
And yet so fleeting
And why does love
Fill a heart with joy
Yet age the lovers
Like a wilting flower