A Little Bit Of Humour # 62

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no

ROSE HIT VIOLET

Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her

A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE

A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses

MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT

My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar

PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"

Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".

MULTITASKING MRS

If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time

MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK

My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper

DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?

“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”

ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?

Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea

ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE

Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie

AT MY ADVANCED AGE

At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON

Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?

ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?

Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me

THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS

There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do

PICKUP # 11

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 61

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 4

You've reached a milestone
A really significant age
You've joined the over 40's
You have turned a new page
So happy birthday darling
I hope you enjoy your surprise
Because now you’re forty
Your age matches your bust size

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5

You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow

It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed

I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY

I would never have known you were thirty
You're not at all like a thirty year old
You are very youthful in many ways
But the giveaway, if I may be bold
Was not your youthful appearance at all
Your taste in music was your downfall

MILESTONE 60 # 6

Your body is showing signs of wear
But you're still young at heart
And you’re in good shape to be fair
It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart


AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE

Ageing is like fine wine
It gets better with age
But in your case
It was corked at some stage

A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR

A man walked into a crowded bar
With a loaded gun and shouted
"Who’s been shagging my sister?”
In case his intent was doubted
He raised the gun and took aim
And fired the gun to demonstrate
A lone voice shouted from the back
"You don't have enough bullets mate"

DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE

Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go

MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT

My son had a eureka moment
And I was quite impressed
He discovered that the volume knob
Could also turn to the left

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?

Are you wearing your best suit?
Well I am surprised at it to be true
Because you’re now at an age when
Your back goes out more than you do.

GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN

Grey hair is not a glorious crown
Worn by a righteous life
But an unwillingness to buy dye
On the part of my wife

MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR

My wife asked if her appendix scar
Made her look unattractive, a bit
I was quick to dispel any misgivings
She might have in regard to it
And uttered the reassuring words
"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"

MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN

My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss

I DON’T DO BANANAS

I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates
She announced to everyone
Which immediately begged the question
Then what do you do for fun?

SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014

Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food

ROSES ARE VIOLET

Roses are Violet
Violets are Lilac
Lilacs are Roses
And she wants then back

PICKUP # 10

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
Would you like some medical fun?
There are 206 bones in the human body,
Do you want another one?”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 60

YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 1

You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night

YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2

You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night

I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON

“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”

SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1

She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”

RAMBLING

My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler

MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION

My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak

THESE AREN’T WRINKLES

“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”

SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2

She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”

HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY

His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose

THE MAN-O-GRAM

I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press

WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE

When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round

WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM

When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players

VIOLET HIT ROSE

Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot

Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?

PICKUP # 9

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 59

HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014

England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort

ROSES ARE BLUE

Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?

MILESTONE 60 # 5

Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan

ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?

Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun

ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?

Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime

MILESTONE 70 # 1

If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties

I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND

I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back

MILESTONE 70 # 2

You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.

ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?

Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?

Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had

I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM

I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs

FORGETFUL

I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly

THE SILVER VOTERS

The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less

ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?

Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways

A Little Bit Of Humour # 58

ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014

There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit

ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.

ONE POTATO TWO POTATO

Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill

THE EVOLUTION OF MAN

From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart

YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME

You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time

WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM

With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting

DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE

Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life

UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE

Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it

MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL

My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round

OLD GEEZER FOR SALE

50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused

I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE

I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3

You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day

THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure

MILESTONE 60 # 4

I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older

A Little Bit Of Humour # 57

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A

THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID

The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”

THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER

The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”

DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS

Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation

Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?

LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER

Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care

IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG

If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong

Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying

IF YOU ASK A QUESTION

If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear

IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE

If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one

WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE

When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear

BEER AND FOOTBALL

Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really

I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER

I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"

AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER

An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother

BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014

The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 56

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2

She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur

AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST

After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine

I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING

I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter

ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck

THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR

The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize

ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished

IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME

It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet

It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION

My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell


WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?

“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”

AIRPORT AIRHEAD

Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone

AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD

An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”