PANCAKE DAY

I LIKE TO TRY TOSSING THE PANCAKES

I like to try tossing the pancakes
But my inadequacy’s its revealing
And the results of my failed efforts
Look like I’ve Artexed the ceiling

IT’S PANCAKE DAY

Light the hob
Mix the batter
Then pour it in the pan
Cook one side
And toss it high
Then catch it if you can

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE

There’s nothing like a pancake
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That one landed on me

TOSSING A PANCAKE

Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that

One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat

PANCAKE DAY

For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face

IT’S PANCAKE DAY AGAIN

Mix it, pour it
Cook it, toss it
And serve it

A little lemon
A little jam on
Eat it with aplomb

Valentines Humour

I JUST BOOKED A TABLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

I just booked a table for Valentine's Day
For me and my wife
I hope she likes it, even though she can’t
Play snooker to save her life

THE ST VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE

The St Valentine’s Day massacre
That was a bloody occasion
Which just shows what happens
If you don’t make a reservation

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE?

Are you wearing your heart on your sleeve?
I know you’re in love that I truly believe
But I still don’t know if you’re in love with Eve
Or if your preference is for her brother Steve

February

THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY

Thank God it’s February
And the month of January
Is now just a memory
And thank God for Salary

GROUNDHOG DAY FEBRUARY 2ND

According to German folklore,
If the skies are cloudy
When from its burrow,
A groundhog emerges
On Groundhog Day,
Then spring will come early
But if the skies are sunny,
And the groundhog
Sees its own shadow
It will return to its burrow
And Winter will continue
For six more weeks

CANDLEMAS DAY

If Candlemas is sunny and bright
We will again feel Winters bite.
If Candlemas brings cloudy skies
Spring will be an early surprise

Bits and pieces

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age

IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS

It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings

A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE

A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after

And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed

ALAS MEL SMITH

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all

ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD

Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing

HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE

Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me

AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE

At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again

While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand

But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset

So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone

No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead

Tales of Love # 12

YOU BRING ME RAINBOWS

You bring me rainbows
Of an April morning
You bring me the laughter
Of a hundred happy children
You bring me the azure blue
Of a summer sky
You bring me the scented meadows
Of a summer day
You bring me the moonlight
Of a star bright night
You bring me the wonders
Of the modern age
But most of all you bring me
A love that I have never known

ANOTHER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

The office party
Was in full swing
From a Radio
Music played
Too loud for my taste
And overly jolly
For my mood.
Wine was consumed
In copious quantities
As eagerly
As the temps
Who imbibed it
And the more it flowed
The more inappropriate
The behaviour became
It was noisy
Raucous and unseemly
And I had seen enough
So I drained my glass
And prepared to leave
Which was when I saw her
Standing alone
In a quiet corner
Gazing into space
An untouched drink
In her hand
And sadness in her eyes.
She seemed oblivious
To events unfolding
In the office, It was like
She was elsewhere
I hoped wherever it was
Was a happier place
She looked so sad.
I was drawn to her
Though not out of sympathy
It was in equal measure
Recognition of a kindred spirit
And a kind of curiosity
To determine the reason
For such great sadness
Amidst the jollity
Of another Christmas
Had she too lost
The object of her affections?
“Hello” I said
“Not enjoying it?”
She shook her head
“Let’s leave then”
I suggested
She smiled weakly
And nodded her accent
And we slipped away
When she smiled
She was much prettier
From that moment
I took it upon myself
To ensure she would
Never be sad again
That was forty years ago
And we’re still happy

I SAW HER ACROSS THE ROOM

I saw her across the room
Wearing a worried frown
There was sadness in her eyes
Beneath her Tinsel crown
But there was something
Hidden away all the while
A previously untapped joy
Hinted at by the faintest smile
So I smiled and said hello
Not knowing that was the start
Of a Christmas romance in which
I would give to her my heart

It Happened At Sea

MARY KEZIA ROBERTS

Mary Kezia Roberts
Was a remarkable woman
If for no other reason
Then she sailed, as a stewardess,
Aboard Titanic, and survived
And two years later
Was aboard the HMHS Rohilla
When she was wrecked
And she survived again

HMHS ROHILLA

On 30 October 1914
The hospital ship Rohilla
Sailed southerly through
The stormy North Sea
Bound from Leith to Dunkirk
To bring allied wounded home
Around 4:00 a.m.
On that fateful morn
With the high seas
And storm force winds
Battering the ship
She struck Whitby Rock,
On the Saltwick reef
South of Whitby town.
It was wartime
No landmarks were visible
As blackouts were observed
And aids to navigation
Were nonexistent
Although only 600 yards
From the safety of shore
The fiercely blowing gale
Hampered rescue attempts
But the RNLI persevered
And more than half aboard
The stricken ship were saved

RNLI – THE WRECK OF THE ROHILLA

When the Rohilla
Struck Whitby rock
On the Saltwick reef
In October 1914
The storm was so bad
The life boat
Could not be launched
From Whitby harbour
So the rescuers grittily
Manhandled the lifeboat
Over an eight-foot seawall
And treacherous rocks
So it could be launched
From the beach
On the first attempt
They rescued seventeen
On the second
Another eighteen
But in the second attempt
The lifeboat was damaged
Too badly to make a third

IN THE TEETH OF A GALE

As the savage seas
Pounded the stricken ship
Helpless onlookers watched
From the lonely beach
As nature won out
Ropes attached to Rockets
Were shot from the cliff top
But in the howling gale
Each fell short

HMS BIRKENHEAD

HMS Birkenhead began life
As a steam frigate
One of the first iron-hulled vessels
Built for the Royal Navy
But she was quickly converted
And was commissioned as a troopship
It was as such on 26 February 1852
While transporting troops to Algoa Bay,
She was wrecked at Danger Point
Near to Gansbaai
100 miles from Cape Town,
With insufficient serviceable lifeboats
For all the passengers.
This gave rise to the most disciplined
Act of self-sacrifice ever witnessed
Described in verse by Rudyard Kipling
As the "Birkenhead drill"
Where the soldiers famously stood firm,
In serried ranks and allowed
The women and children
To safely board the boats
The courage and chivalry
Of the noble soldiers
In the face of certain death
Gave rise to the now accepted practice
When abandoning ship
Of “Women and children first”
And 550 men perished in the sea

EAST INDIAMAN ARNISTON

The Arniston was an East Indiaman
But had been requisitioned as a troopship
She was sailing from Ceylon to England
To repatriate soldiers wounded in the Kandyan Wars
When during a storm near Cape Agulhas, South Africa
She was wrecked at Waenhuiskrans on 30 May 1815
With only six surviving of the 378 aboard

L&ASNC ROYAL CHARTER

The steamship Royal Charter
Was returning to Liverpool
In late October 1859
Laden with gold
And Nuevo riche prospectors
From the Australian goldfields.

It was recommended to
Thomas Taylor, Captain
To put into Holyhead harbour
To wait out the storm
But having thus far
Made good time from Melbourne
He wanted to press on to Liverpool

As she rounded Anglesey’s
North-western tip
The barometer dropped
The squall quickly grew
And reached Storm force 10
On the Beaufort scale
The Royal Charter tried,
Off Point Lynas,
To pick up the Liverpool pilot
To guide them to safety
But the wind had risen
To Hurricane force 12
And was driving her
Towards the Anglesey coast
The Captain dropped anchor
But within two hours
Both anchor chains had snapped
And on 26 October 1859
The steam clipper Royal Charter
Broke up on the rocks near Moelfre

Despite the heroic efforts
From the people of Anglesey
Less than 40 survived
From the 450 passengers and crew

THE ROYAL CHARTER STORM

The Royal Charter storm
Which blew up out of the Irish Sea
Takes its name from one ship
Out of the 133 ships
Sunk on the 25 and 26 October 1859
With a further 80 damaged
And a death toll of 800

CAPTAIN’S AWARD

In the aftermath
Of the sinking
Of HMHS Rohilla
In 1914
Amidst all the plaudits
Medals and awards
For heroism and gallantry
Was Captain Neilson,
Awarded the RSPCA’s
Bronze Medal
For his efforts to rescue
The ship's cat

A Little Bit Dirty

RED SILK

Red silk clinging,
Accentuating
Each contour
Each curve
And when she moved
It moved with her
Like a soft caress

RED SATIN

Sexy red satin
Soft as the skin
Contained within
Smooth red satin

RED FACED

You never look as lovely, you know?
As you lay beside me in the afterglow
And the reason for that I must confess
Is that I love you red faced and breathless

I WAS AT THE END OF MY WITS

I couldn’t understand
I was at the end of my wits
I couldn’t undo her bra
I couldn’t get to her tits
The device was preventing
My reaching her bits
Then I thought that I should
Remove my woolen mits

I PULLED A CRACKER

I pulled a cracker
At the Christmas Party
And by way of a novelty
She wasn’t even tarty

Not at all my type
But I began to weaken
And thought to myself
Well tis the season

When the pagan symbol
We were stood below
Took effect, we kissed
Beneath the Mistletoe

Though not my usual morsel
I’m not one who dawdles
And I soon had my hands
On her Christmas baubles

ON THE VINE

My husband and I were
Visiting a vineyard
We were on holiday
To rekindle our passion
Which due to the side effects
Of his obesity
Sex was restricted
To only a special occasion

I’d lost sight of him briefly
Amidst the vines
When I found him
With an erection and at play
I looked at the vines
As he said Sémillon, Sémillon
I replied “I think you’ll find
They’re Chardonnay”

I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE

I saw her across the office
She had tinsel in her locks
And a gleam in her eyes
She wore red striped socks
Way up to her thighs
My thoughts were not of her locks
As I devoured her with my eyes
I thought she was quite a fox
But then to my surprise
She offered me her Christmas box
As she undid my flies