A Little Bit Of Humour # 31

ARE YOU WEARING THAT LADY’S FAVOUR?

Are you wearing that lady’s favour?
Well I should tell you sir knight
That if you’re fighting for her virtue
It really isn’t worth the fight

ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?

Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?
Well it looks like you’ve had a shock
It’s not a good look on you at all
It looks like you overdosed on Botox

ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?

Are you wearing a muffler?
To keep the cold off your chest
Well should it not do the job
I know what to do for the best
I’ll just rub Vick on your skin
Inside your thermal vest

ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a smug expression?
Well that can mean just one thing
As you’re dressed in that dark suit
You didn’t shake before letting it swing

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?

Are you wearing contact lenses?
In your “mince pies”
Because they shine
At night like cats eyes

ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?

Are you wearing an apron?
It’s very pretty and frilly
It’s not very big though
Just enough to cover your Willy

ARE YOU WEARING A BARRETTE?

Are you wearing a barrette?
I can see something shining there
Holding your tresses from your face
Silver in your brunette hair

ARE YOU WEARING A DUTCH CAP?

Are you wearing a Dutch cap?
Not the contraceptive madam
A hat from Holland, I see now
That it reads “I love Amsterdam”

ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 1

Are you wearing slacks?
Oh I hate to call them that
They’re only trousers really
Unless you’re a pretentious twat

ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 2

Are you wearing slacks?
It’s certainly very casual attire
But not the kind of look
The fashion world desire
But fine for ordinary people
Who don’t set the world on fire

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a nightie?
Something sexy and flighty
I hope it’s a little see through
And through it I can see you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 30

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

“I have to book you” the Officer said
“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”
“No it won’t happen again” I said
“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”

TAMARA AND PANDORA

Tamara Split-Whiskers
Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte
Pandy still had her cherry
But Tammy had lost her heart
And though she tried hard
With miss ffanny-ffarte
She still couldn’t prize
Her skinny thighs apart

ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?

Are you wearing sunglasses?
Well they are the height of cool
But it’s England and its February
And you look a bloody fool

MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON

My mum went to the salon
She was in there for hours
But she didn’t get a face pack
She was beyond their powers

MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK

My wife got a mudpack
And she looked great
Until two days later
It fell off her face mate

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305

Kitty Fisher took a tumble
And her skirts went all akimbo
And as her legs flew in the air
You could see she’d gone commando

I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN

I am from the Caribbean
And I find cooking very hard
But I do one thing very well
RhuBarbados and custard

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Providing you’re careful
And avoid any reference
To the Village People

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306

Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
I bet no one predicted that
When they met in the pub

HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT

Hobbies are very important
Even for planners and plotters
I think everyone needs a hobby
I myself count train spotters

SHORT SHIPMENT

I told my boss at work today
That we had a short shipment
And he went absolutely mad
He got straight on the phone
And showed his discontent
We had a shipment of shorts
Is what I actually meant

THE RED LIGHT

The Red Light
Means stop, although
In the seedier parts
It does mean go

A Little Bit Of Humour # 29

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground

AS YOU ARE THE VICAR

As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you

On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock

CAMILLA AND QUENTIN

Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all

She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2

Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button

Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce

THE GREATEST QUESTION

The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no

The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know

I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED

I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?

Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West

The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”

He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie

Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player

“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done

“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”

ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown

AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS

At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon

A Little Bit Of Humour # 28

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
So say to the men in blue
“You don’t need to check
In the boot do you?”

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
And he hasn’t yet come unstuck
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Entirely by pushing my luck

I’VE GOT AN AD IN THE LONELY HEARTS

I’ve got an ad in the “lonely hearts”
“Wife wanted” is how it starts
I’ve had loads of replies, which is fine
But they all say “You can have mine”

MY BROTHER SAYS HIS WIFE IS AN ANGEL

My brother says his wife is an angel
He is deliriously happy with things
I think he’s lucky as I can’t wait
To have mine fitted for her wings

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE

The secret to a happy contented life
Should you ever decide, to take a wife
Whenever you are wrong, admit it
Whenever you are right just shut it

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS CAN BE TRICKY

Remembering birthdays can be tricky
And forgetting can leave the wicket sticky
The best way to remember an important date
Is to forget it - but just the one time mate

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 1

Electronic banking
Is a wonderful thing
Lightning fast transfers
In the modern age

Though not the fastest
By any shape or means
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than marriage

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME TUPPENCE

My wife and I are like
Two sides of the same tuppence
We can’t face each other
So I guess we got our comeuppance

FORGIVENESS IS THE FORMULA

Forgiveness is the formula
For a marriage happy and long
So my wife always forgives me
Especially when she's wrong

IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS

In order to do great things
A woman must inspire him
While simultaneously
Preventing his achieving them

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But don’t say to the men in blue
“Well in order to catch me
You must have been speeding too”

ARE YOU WEARING VESTMENTS?

Are you wearing vestments?
Oh reverend Katie
You know they should
Be hanging in the vestry
When the service is over
That’s where they should be
But for my birthday treat
You’ve kept it on for me
And now I get to unwrap
The reverend Katie

A Little Bit Of Humour # 27

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
He has no need of their facilities
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Just by dodging his responsibilities

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

“I’m sorry” the Officer said
“That I have to give you a ticket sir”
“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot
To plug in my radar detector”

ARE YOU WEARING WORN OUT DRAWERS?

Are you wearing worn out drawers?
Well I think it’s something certain
You may put on a very good show
But your riches have gone for a burton
And despite every outwardly sign
It’s a case of “all kippers and curtains”

HOW MANY YEARS BAD LUCK

How many years bad luck
Would upon you fall?
If you were clumsy enough
To break a mirror ball

IF IT TASTES LIKE BUTTER

If it tastes like butter
In your sandwich
And you can spread it
Straight from the fridge
Then you’ve probably
Had a power outage

ONE JUMP OR TWO

The only difference between
Parachuting and prostitution
Are the number of jump’s
Required for qualification

MY BEST FRIEND STOLE MY WIFE

My best friend stole my wife
But I decided not to get bitter
And got my revenge on him
Because I let him keep her

COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT

Communication is very important
Especially conversationally
So I have a few words for her
And she has paragraphs for me

THE SECRET TO A LONG HAPPY MARRIAGE

The secret to a long happy marriage
Is soft music and candlelight dinners
As long as you don’t go together
And then you’ll both be winners

I WEEP AT THE TERRIBLE

I weep at the terrible
Bad luck in my life
For example
My first wife
She left me
After a few years
My second one has stayed,
Hence the tears

MY DEAREST WIFE AND I WERE HAPPY

My dearest wife and I were
Happy for twenty years
Unfortunately we met then
And life was suddenly full of tears

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But just don’t overdo it
By asking “I thought cops
Had to be reasonably fit”

ARE YOU WEARING A CASSOCK?

Are you wearing a cassock?
As you kneel on a hassock
I wonder what it’s concealing
As you’re reverently kneeling
One day I might get to see
As you change in the vestry

A Little Bit Of Humour # 26

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Don’t say to the men in blue
“That's great the last cop
Only gave me a warning too”

ARE YOU WEARING A FUR COAT?

Are you wearing a fur coat?
Well that’s a cause of snickers
I know it’s not original but
Beggars can’t be pickers
But it’s a well-known adage
“Fur coat and no knickers”

SPEEDING TICKET

Bimbette was stopped for speeding
When asked to produce her license
She launched into a tirade of abuse
“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”
When the officer calmed her down
He asked Bimbette to explain
“Well you only took it away yesterday
And now you want to see it again”

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

I was told I should buy a cat
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“They’re good company” they say
“And they keep the mice away”
Well eventually they convinced me
And I admit its good company
As to the expelling from my house
Of every type and size of mouse
They are a great disappointment
And their failure is evident
It is they who bring in a mouse
Into the comfort of my house
As a toy with which they play
But they let the toy get away
Now the mouse is here to stay

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s the fittest lass around
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from running people down

MY CHILDREN AND MY PARENTS

My children and my parents
Despite the span of years
Have so much in common
Which is how it certainly appears
The complete nonsense they talk
The strange clothes they wear
None of them have jobs
They’re all familiar with drugs
And have ridiculous coloured hair

WHEN MY FIRST SON WAS BORN

My wife wanted me at the birth
I had to grin and bear it and pretend
Although I had to be at the birth
I wasn’t going down the tripey end

I stood and stared open mouthed
Full of pride and with regrets
As he came into the world
Like a bag of screaming jiblets

MY DAD WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE

My dad wasn’t a very good pirate
I would go so far as to say he stank
We couldn’t even afford a dog
So he made me walk the plank

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

My sons ADHD medicine
Is in liquid form
And comes in a bottle
As would be the norm

But beneath the label
Is written “Concentrate”
Well if he could
That would be great

I USED TO ENJOY DIPPING

I used to enjoy dipping,
A Ginger Nut in hot tea
But that’s now considered
Bullying apparently

ARE YOU WEARING A SMOCK?

Are you wearing a smock?
As you tend to your flock
Well inside your frock
I would like to run amok

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But avoid the obvious bummer
By not asking the cop
If he is dumb or dumber

A Little Bit Of Humour # 25

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

When the police caught me speeding
My eyes were strained and blinking
I was pulled over by a putz

Who said “Your eyes look red,
Have you been drinking?”
So with no ifs or buts

“Your eyes look glazed”
I responded without thinking
“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?
You are doubtless here to chisel
Hawking your counterfeit goods
Doubtless all sausage and no sizzle

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 302

Little girl, little girl where have you been?
Have you been visiting London Zoo
Or gathering roses to give to the Queen.
Oh you went to get another Tattoo

BACK IN 66

Back in 66
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
It made every Scotsman cry

GOING VEGETARIAN

Going vegetarian
They say is very wholesome
My only concern
Is having to eat a whole one

GREAT ROYAL WIFE NEFERTITI

Great Royal wife Nefertiti
Was the Ancient Egyptian Queen
Good time girl Nefertutu
Is just a modern dancing Queen

I MESSED ABOUT A LOT AT SCHOOL

I messed about a lot at school
And always played the fool
So I was expelled from school
And spent my time playing pool
And turned out a proper tool

INCENTIVE SCHEME

If your staff tell you an
Incentive scheme is desired
Say “I have one for you”
Work hard or get fired

AFTER MY HOLIDAY

After my holiday
My inbox was full
And the backlog
Was diabolical

After four hours
However it transpired
From an email I found
That I was fired

IF YOU’RE LONELY AT WORK

If you’re lonely at work
And you find it self-defeating
There is only one thing for it
And that is to call a meeting

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN

Our computers went down
At the office today
So we had to do things
The old fashioned way
But Doris had a pack of cards
So playing cards was ok

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s as skinny as a candle
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from flying off the handle