A Little Bit Of Humour # 26

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Don’t say to the men in blue
“That's great the last cop
Only gave me a warning too”

ARE YOU WEARING A FUR COAT?

Are you wearing a fur coat?
Well that’s a cause of snickers
I know it’s not original but
Beggars can’t be pickers
But it’s a well-known adage
“Fur coat and no knickers”

SPEEDING TICKET

Bimbette was stopped for speeding
When asked to produce her license
She launched into a tirade of abuse
“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”
When the officer calmed her down
He asked Bimbette to explain
“Well you only took it away yesterday
And now you want to see it again”

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

I was told I should buy a cat
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“They’re good company” they say
“And they keep the mice away”
Well eventually they convinced me
And I admit its good company
As to the expelling from my house
Of every type and size of mouse
They are a great disappointment
And their failure is evident
It is they who bring in a mouse
Into the comfort of my house
As a toy with which they play
But they let the toy get away
Now the mouse is here to stay

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s the fittest lass around
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from running people down

MY CHILDREN AND MY PARENTS

My children and my parents
Despite the span of years
Have so much in common
Which is how it certainly appears
The complete nonsense they talk
The strange clothes they wear
None of them have jobs
They’re all familiar with drugs
And have ridiculous coloured hair

WHEN MY FIRST SON WAS BORN

My wife wanted me at the birth
I had to grin and bear it and pretend
Although I had to be at the birth
I wasn’t going down the tripey end

I stood and stared open mouthed
Full of pride and with regrets
As he came into the world
Like a bag of screaming jiblets

MY DAD WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE

My dad wasn’t a very good pirate
I would go so far as to say he stank
We couldn’t even afford a dog
So he made me walk the plank

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

My sons ADHD medicine
Is in liquid form
And comes in a bottle
As would be the norm

But beneath the label
Is written “Concentrate”
Well if he could
That would be great

I USED TO ENJOY DIPPING

I used to enjoy dipping,
A Ginger Nut in hot tea
But that’s now considered
Bullying apparently

ARE YOU WEARING A SMOCK?

Are you wearing a smock?
As you tend to your flock
Well inside your frock
I would like to run amok

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But avoid the obvious bummer
By not asking the cop
If he is dumb or dumber