MEMORY OF AN ELEPHANT
Apparently my Dad
Has the memory of an Elephant
When he was a boy
He went Zoo and saw an Elephant
MY FATHER WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN
My Father was trying to explain
About anaphylactic shock again
And wasn’t doing it very well
I could have explained it in a nutshell
I AM NOT IN ANY WAY INTERESTED IN
I am not in any way interested in
An alternative energy supplier
Because if I said I was unhappy
With food I would be a liar
MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 1
My cat is a fussy eater
That’s not uncommon for a Siamese
And for breakfast she will only eat
A bowl of Mice Crispies
SHE WAS A VERY BIG LASS
She was a very big lass
And Apple shaped I suppose
But she was dressed
In quite unsuitable clothes
Beige Lycra pedal pushers
And a long white clingy top
They would have looked better
Left hanging in the shop
It certainly was a sight
I wouldn’t easily forget
As I watched her in the sun
Looking like a melting cornet
LOOKING FOR A NEW START
My wife and I were
Looking for a new start
So I bought a Waterbed
To rekindle loves spark
Something fresh and exciting
But we just drifted apart
A CARELESSLY DISCARDED MATCH
A carelessly discarded match
Can start a forest fire
Yet it takes a whole box
To light your bonfire
RCN HYMN
From the wards of emphysema
To the floors of maternity
We are proud to all be members
Of the nursing fraternity
We work for the sake of patients
As keep our hospital clean:
And we fight the daily battles
In blue or white or green
THE DISAPPEARANCE OF A MUMMY
The disappearance of a mummy
Was investigated by Inspector Grace
And with his years of experience
He soon wrapped up the case
MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 2
My cat is a fussy eater
That’s not uncommon for a Siamese
And some days only RATatouille
On a bed of Mice will please
I WAS AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
I was at a fancy dress party
And looking for something tarty
I was beginning to lose hope
When I got an unexpected grope
And I was forced to conclude
When things got decidedly rude
That for the very best nooky
You should do it with a Wooky
JULIUS CAESAR’S APPROACH
Julius Caesar’s approach
May have been absurd
But a different approach
Was what he preferred
Which is why he came,
He saw, he concurred
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
Friday, 19 July 2013
Varied Poems
HOW THEY EXPLOIT OUR COMPASSION
How they exploit our compassion
With emotional blackmail
They paint us
Pitiful tableaux’s
Of fly ridden waifs
Babies at barren breasts
Or portrait images
Of sad saucer eyed children
Beaten and bruised
Or maybe its pictures
Of Maltreated beasts
That pluck at your heartstrings
The tactics used are quite crude
But anything goes
In the “No holds barred”
World of charity fundraising
As long as they can extract
Our 3 pounds a month
While the poor unfortunates,
The sad stars of the charity show
Are merely lost leaders
CERIDWEN
The welsh enchantress,
Goddess Ceridwen
Celtic goddess of rebirth
And transformation
Keeper of the cauldron
Of poetic inspiration
Mother and daughter
Heroine of the wiccan
BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER
Blood may well be thicker than water
But to a son or daughter
When it comes to Parenthood
This should be understood
There’s more to it you see
What makes a parent is proximity
THE LIGHTHOUSE
The Lighthouse, with
Lantern burning bright
Stands sentinel
A beacon in the night
Steadfastly gazing out
Its piercing light
Cutting through the dark
Warning those at sea
In peril or plight
And providing all
With its piercing light
In the darkest hour
A comforting sight
IN TIMES OF PERIL
In times of peril
And personal plight
Backs against the wall
Stay strong and fight
But keep your integrity
Do things right
With merciful compassion
Fight the good fight
And in the end
Adversity will take flight
And victory be attained
By right over might
A THOUSAND SOULS
A thousand souls
Plus half a thousand more
Never again to feel
Land beneath their feet
Lost to the icy deep
For man’s conceit
And lay their still
In companionable rest
Beneath the icy sea
With the unsinkable lady
Of the White Star Line
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR
Everyone wants to be the star
Of their own life story
But life isn’t like a movie
You don’t get the chance
To re-take the scenes you mess up
And it isn’t like a play
That can be painstakingly rehearsed
You have to go on cold
You may dry up or miss your cue
Or fluff your lines
You may need prompting
You will probably have to improvise
But it’s up to you how the drama unfolds
And whether you are hero or villain
AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID
As Jiminy Cricket famously said
“Let conscience be your guide”
It’s a simple enough philosophy
Listen to the voice of reason
Keep compassion in your heart
And integrity at your core
And you won’t go far wrong
How they exploit our compassion
With emotional blackmail
They paint us
Pitiful tableaux’s
Of fly ridden waifs
Babies at barren breasts
Or portrait images
Of sad saucer eyed children
Beaten and bruised
Or maybe its pictures
Of Maltreated beasts
That pluck at your heartstrings
The tactics used are quite crude
But anything goes
In the “No holds barred”
World of charity fundraising
As long as they can extract
Our 3 pounds a month
While the poor unfortunates,
The sad stars of the charity show
Are merely lost leaders
CERIDWEN
The welsh enchantress,
Goddess Ceridwen
Celtic goddess of rebirth
And transformation
Keeper of the cauldron
Of poetic inspiration
Mother and daughter
Heroine of the wiccan
BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER
Blood may well be thicker than water
But to a son or daughter
When it comes to Parenthood
This should be understood
There’s more to it you see
What makes a parent is proximity
THE LIGHTHOUSE
The Lighthouse, with
Lantern burning bright
Stands sentinel
A beacon in the night
Steadfastly gazing out
Its piercing light
Cutting through the dark
Warning those at sea
In peril or plight
And providing all
With its piercing light
In the darkest hour
A comforting sight
IN TIMES OF PERIL
In times of peril
And personal plight
Backs against the wall
Stay strong and fight
But keep your integrity
Do things right
With merciful compassion
Fight the good fight
And in the end
Adversity will take flight
And victory be attained
By right over might
A THOUSAND SOULS
A thousand souls
Plus half a thousand more
Never again to feel
Land beneath their feet
Lost to the icy deep
For man’s conceit
And lay their still
In companionable rest
Beneath the icy sea
With the unsinkable lady
Of the White Star Line
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR
Everyone wants to be the star
Of their own life story
But life isn’t like a movie
You don’t get the chance
To re-take the scenes you mess up
And it isn’t like a play
That can be painstakingly rehearsed
You have to go on cold
You may dry up or miss your cue
Or fluff your lines
You may need prompting
You will probably have to improvise
But it’s up to you how the drama unfolds
And whether you are hero or villain
AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID
As Jiminy Cricket famously said
“Let conscience be your guide”
It’s a simple enough philosophy
Listen to the voice of reason
Keep compassion in your heart
And integrity at your core
And you won’t go far wrong
War
SOLDIERS OF ROME
They died beneath the eagle
On the battlefields Rome
And were blessed after death
To walk in the fields of Elysium
KUBLAI KHAN’S MONGOL HORDE
Kublai Khan’s Mongol horde
Set Sail In 1274
To conquer Japan
And add it to his empire
But the great deity Raijin
Conjured up a typhoon
And his Divine wind
Destroyed the Khan’s fleet
And saved the Japanese
But in 1281
They sailed again
The largest fleet every assembled
Four thousand ships
Carrying 140000 men
But when they were off the shore
Once again Raijin
Brought the Kamikaze
And scattered the fleet
To the four winds
And thwarted Kublai Khan
And he never tried again
THE VIKINGS
Killed in battle, bloody axe in hand
The reward of the Nordic warrior
Was for their souls to spend eternity
Residing in the great hall of Valhalla
IN HALIFAX NOVA SCOTIA 1917
Two ships collided in Halifax harbour,
The Mont Blanc and the Imo,
It was December 1917
And what the Nova Scotian’s didn’t know
Was the French ship was laden with explosives
And as it sailed the straight from the sea
It struck the Norwegian vessel
Causing it to explode cataclysmically
Many Canadians were killed
In Halifax Nova Scotia 1917
After the largest man made explosion
The world had ever seen
DON’T HATE THE HUN ACROSS THE FIELD
Don’t hate the Hun across the field
He’s not so very different to you
He doesn’t want to fight in foreign wars
He wants to be in the loving embrace
Of the sweet woman he loves
As you want to be in the arms of yours
ARE YOU WEARING A POPPY?
Are you wearing a poppy?
Wear it proudly on your lapel
Wear it with pride and respect
So everyone will be able to tell
That you recognise the sacrifice
Of those who fought and fell
WANDERING WARRIOR
Wandering warrior
Migrating hero of the good
Fights for God and king
THE RED ENSIGN
The unsung heroes sail
Under The Red Ensign
The telltale flag flown
By British merchantmen
THE RED DUSTER
The British merchantmen
Fly the “Red Duster”
And you will always see
The red ensign flutter
HMHS GLENART CASTLE
The Glenart Castle
Was steaming home
On a cold February night
In 1918
The hospital ship
Headed for safe haven
Her lights green
Clearly visible
Against the dark horizon
Red lamps lit her side rail
Her masthead light burned bright
Fishermen could see her
Red Cross light
Then a torpedo struct her
In the number the hold
In eight minutes
She was gone
With a 162 souls
They died beneath the eagle
On the battlefields Rome
And were blessed after death
To walk in the fields of Elysium
KUBLAI KHAN’S MONGOL HORDE
Kublai Khan’s Mongol horde
Set Sail In 1274
To conquer Japan
And add it to his empire
But the great deity Raijin
Conjured up a typhoon
And his Divine wind
Destroyed the Khan’s fleet
And saved the Japanese
But in 1281
They sailed again
The largest fleet every assembled
Four thousand ships
Carrying 140000 men
But when they were off the shore
Once again Raijin
Brought the Kamikaze
And scattered the fleet
To the four winds
And thwarted Kublai Khan
And he never tried again
THE VIKINGS
Killed in battle, bloody axe in hand
The reward of the Nordic warrior
Was for their souls to spend eternity
Residing in the great hall of Valhalla
IN HALIFAX NOVA SCOTIA 1917
Two ships collided in Halifax harbour,
The Mont Blanc and the Imo,
It was December 1917
And what the Nova Scotian’s didn’t know
Was the French ship was laden with explosives
And as it sailed the straight from the sea
It struck the Norwegian vessel
Causing it to explode cataclysmically
Many Canadians were killed
In Halifax Nova Scotia 1917
After the largest man made explosion
The world had ever seen
DON’T HATE THE HUN ACROSS THE FIELD
Don’t hate the Hun across the field
He’s not so very different to you
He doesn’t want to fight in foreign wars
He wants to be in the loving embrace
Of the sweet woman he loves
As you want to be in the arms of yours
ARE YOU WEARING A POPPY?
Are you wearing a poppy?
Wear it proudly on your lapel
Wear it with pride and respect
So everyone will be able to tell
That you recognise the sacrifice
Of those who fought and fell
WANDERING WARRIOR
Wandering warrior
Migrating hero of the good
Fights for God and king
THE RED ENSIGN
The unsung heroes sail
Under The Red Ensign
The telltale flag flown
By British merchantmen
THE RED DUSTER
The British merchantmen
Fly the “Red Duster”
And you will always see
The red ensign flutter
HMHS GLENART CASTLE
The Glenart Castle
Was steaming home
On a cold February night
In 1918
The hospital ship
Headed for safe haven
Her lights green
Clearly visible
Against the dark horizon
Red lamps lit her side rail
Her masthead light burned bright
Fishermen could see her
Red Cross light
Then a torpedo struct her
In the number the hold
In eight minutes
She was gone
With a 162 souls
Tales of Love # 5
LOVES FIRST STING
In my autumn days
I fondly remember
Loves first sting
And how my heart sang
Loves perfect melody
In loves sweet spring
SILENCE IN THE MEADOW
Silence in the meadow
As we lay amidst the flowers
Young lovers entwined
In the moonlit hours
When love is keenly felt
We succumb to cupids powers
But as night gives way to day
The love we feel is ours
I THINK TO MYSELF NOW THAT IT IS OVER
I think to myself now that it is over
As I pick myself up off the floor,
How could I have been so blind?
To lose my heart and so adore
The creature who can barely disguise
The blackness at her heartless core
PLEASE BRING ME A LOVE
Please bring me a love
Of almost any hue
Let it change forever
My monochrome view
Let it be any colour
As long as it’s not blue
YOU CAN WEATHER ANY STORM
You can weather any storm
When you know without exception
That love is the answer
To each and every question
MY LONELY HEART
My Lonely heart
My silent companion
You empathize
And feel compassion
Even in an age when
It’s out of fashion
Yet still I am alone
With my unspent passion
MIRROR IMAGE
I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me
A WEDDING SONG (PROTHALAMIUM)
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
PRESSED FLOWERS
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
The delicate blooms
Were lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Of a weighty tome
Now they are desiccated
Between the leaves
Blooms long since dried
Still evoke memories
Pressed blooms from
When love was young
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Soon I was once again
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
In my autumn days
I fondly remember
Loves first sting
And how my heart sang
Loves perfect melody
In loves sweet spring
SILENCE IN THE MEADOW
Silence in the meadow
As we lay amidst the flowers
Young lovers entwined
In the moonlit hours
When love is keenly felt
We succumb to cupids powers
But as night gives way to day
The love we feel is ours
I THINK TO MYSELF NOW THAT IT IS OVER
I think to myself now that it is over
As I pick myself up off the floor,
How could I have been so blind?
To lose my heart and so adore
The creature who can barely disguise
The blackness at her heartless core
PLEASE BRING ME A LOVE
Please bring me a love
Of almost any hue
Let it change forever
My monochrome view
Let it be any colour
As long as it’s not blue
YOU CAN WEATHER ANY STORM
You can weather any storm
When you know without exception
That love is the answer
To each and every question
MY LONELY HEART
My Lonely heart
My silent companion
You empathize
And feel compassion
Even in an age when
It’s out of fashion
Yet still I am alone
With my unspent passion
MIRROR IMAGE
I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me
A WEDDING SONG (PROTHALAMIUM)
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
PRESSED FLOWERS
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
The delicate blooms
Were lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Of a weighty tome
Now they are desiccated
Between the leaves
Blooms long since dried
Still evoke memories
Pressed blooms from
When love was young
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Soon I was once again
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
Tales of Love # 4
I’VE LOST MY HEART TO ANOTHER
I’ve lost my heart to another
She is fairer than a rose
The gentlest girl I’ve known
Who is purer than the snow’s
And all the time I’m with her
My love for her just grows
THE THREAD OF LOVE
The thread of love
Our hearts entwine
I have all her love
And she has mine
Bound together by
Loves eternal vine
I have all her love
And she has mine
SHE BLESSED MY LIFE
She blessed my life
When she came to stay
And I love her more
Each and every day
It would break my heart
If she went away
OVER THE SPAN OF YEARS
Over the span of years,
Along the way
My heart has been broken
Time after time
But how can it not break,
When you lose someone
Or when a loved one passes,
Or your child is in pain
Or is unhappy
We don’t live in a bubble
Life is not lived in isolation
And broken hearts do mend
And each repair gives us strength
For the next time
Because a heart never broken,
Is cold and sterile,
And has never known the joy
Of loving another human being
RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET
The Platter’s were crooning
“Red Sails in the sunset”
So I asked her to dance
And the moment our eyes met
My heart sailed away
And it hasn’t returned yet
RED EYE
In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldn’t get a good shot
But it wasn’t a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil
PRESSED BLOOMS
Pressed blooms
Long since dried
Lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
DRINK TO THE GLORY OF LOVE
Drink to the glory of love
From the loving cup
Before it spills
And evaporates away
AS WE LAY UNDER THE STARS
As we lay under the stars
I had the perfect trinity
Music in my soul
Love in my heart
And you in my arms
I’ve lost my heart to another
She is fairer than a rose
The gentlest girl I’ve known
Who is purer than the snow’s
And all the time I’m with her
My love for her just grows
THE THREAD OF LOVE
The thread of love
Our hearts entwine
I have all her love
And she has mine
Bound together by
Loves eternal vine
I have all her love
And she has mine
SHE BLESSED MY LIFE
She blessed my life
When she came to stay
And I love her more
Each and every day
It would break my heart
If she went away
OVER THE SPAN OF YEARS
Over the span of years,
Along the way
My heart has been broken
Time after time
But how can it not break,
When you lose someone
Or when a loved one passes,
Or your child is in pain
Or is unhappy
We don’t live in a bubble
Life is not lived in isolation
And broken hearts do mend
And each repair gives us strength
For the next time
Because a heart never broken,
Is cold and sterile,
And has never known the joy
Of loving another human being
RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET
The Platter’s were crooning
“Red Sails in the sunset”
So I asked her to dance
And the moment our eyes met
My heart sailed away
And it hasn’t returned yet
RED EYE
In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldn’t get a good shot
But it wasn’t a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil
PRESSED BLOOMS
Pressed blooms
Long since dried
Lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
DRINK TO THE GLORY OF LOVE
Drink to the glory of love
From the loving cup
Before it spills
And evaporates away
AS WE LAY UNDER THE STARS
As we lay under the stars
I had the perfect trinity
Music in my soul
Love in my heart
And you in my arms
Nature Days
HUMMINGBIRD FLY
Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep
FROM THE BREAK OF EACH NEW DAWN
From the break of each new dawn
When heralding the new day
The sun crests the horizon
To Paint the eastern sky
With natures orange glow
Until it sets again
In majestic splendour
Beyond the western hills
And is swallowed by the darkness
It gives life with its benevolent light
FLAME TREES
Flame trees in the jungle
Petals like tongues of fire
Burning bright in paradise
ON THE CUSP OF SPRING AND SUMMER
On the cusp of spring and summer
Hawthorn hedgerows bloom
And produce their fruity haws
Before the autumns gathering gloom
THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING
The fading light of the evening
Mirrors the slow diminishing
Of my own dwindling light
As we both head towards the night
A DEW DROP SLOWLY ROLLS
A dew drop slowly rolls along the broad leaf
Like a perfect pearl, it moves on its journey brief
Before dropping off the edge to a rivulet below
And the pearl disappears into the mercurial flow
ON A STORMY NIGHT
On a stormy night
As strangers slumber
Around the gables
The wild wind howled
And rain hit the panes
Like thrown gravel
As the lightning struck
And thunder growled
THE HEATHERS ON THE HILLSIDE
The Heathers on the hillside
And Buttercups in the meadow
The Bluebells in the woods
And Orchids in the hedgerow
What a green and pleasant land
Where the wild flowers grow
AS THE EVENING LIGHT FADES
As the evening light fades
The sky takes on a twilight hue
Until the stars appear above
And the moon comes into view
RED ADMIRAL
Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta
THE RED KITE
The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high
THE RED SQUIRREL
The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder
LITTLE BIRD BRING US
Little bird bring us
Your sweet song
To woodland
And to meadow
Usher in another
Blessed summer
AMIDST THE MYRIAD STARS
Amidst the myriad stars
The bright crescent moon
Hangs in the midnight sky
And palely paints the ocean
With its gentle lunar light
A DAZZLING ARRAY OF STARS
A dazzling array of stars
Carpet the night sky
Enlivening the heart
And making spirits fly
Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep
FROM THE BREAK OF EACH NEW DAWN
From the break of each new dawn
When heralding the new day
The sun crests the horizon
To Paint the eastern sky
With natures orange glow
Until it sets again
In majestic splendour
Beyond the western hills
And is swallowed by the darkness
It gives life with its benevolent light
FLAME TREES
Flame trees in the jungle
Petals like tongues of fire
Burning bright in paradise
ON THE CUSP OF SPRING AND SUMMER
On the cusp of spring and summer
Hawthorn hedgerows bloom
And produce their fruity haws
Before the autumns gathering gloom
THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING
The fading light of the evening
Mirrors the slow diminishing
Of my own dwindling light
As we both head towards the night
A DEW DROP SLOWLY ROLLS
A dew drop slowly rolls along the broad leaf
Like a perfect pearl, it moves on its journey brief
Before dropping off the edge to a rivulet below
And the pearl disappears into the mercurial flow
ON A STORMY NIGHT
On a stormy night
As strangers slumber
Around the gables
The wild wind howled
And rain hit the panes
Like thrown gravel
As the lightning struck
And thunder growled
THE HEATHERS ON THE HILLSIDE
The Heathers on the hillside
And Buttercups in the meadow
The Bluebells in the woods
And Orchids in the hedgerow
What a green and pleasant land
Where the wild flowers grow
AS THE EVENING LIGHT FADES
As the evening light fades
The sky takes on a twilight hue
Until the stars appear above
And the moon comes into view
RED ADMIRAL
Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta
THE RED KITE
The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high
THE RED SQUIRREL
The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder
LITTLE BIRD BRING US
Little bird bring us
Your sweet song
To woodland
And to meadow
Usher in another
Blessed summer
AMIDST THE MYRIAD STARS
Amidst the myriad stars
The bright crescent moon
Hangs in the midnight sky
And palely paints the ocean
With its gentle lunar light
A DAZZLING ARRAY OF STARS
A dazzling array of stars
Carpet the night sky
Enlivening the heart
And making spirits fly
A Little Bit Of Humour # 20
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner
THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true
Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over
PICKUP # 7
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”
PICKUP # 8
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”
I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before
They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really
THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED
The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note
I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady
MY WIFE IS A JAILER
My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration
In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled
I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off
I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY
I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am
THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN
My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING
I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner
THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true
Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over
PICKUP # 7
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”
PICKUP # 8
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”
I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before
They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really
THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED
The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note
I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady
MY WIFE IS A JAILER
My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration
In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled
I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off
I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY
I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am
THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN
My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING
I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake
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