An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 65) Mother’s Day

The morning after I unwrapped the pretty nurse that Molly sent me I rose early, which could only mean one thing, I had to split her strawberry whiskers again before breakfast.
When we eventually got out of bed I went upstairs to ready Katy for the day while Freya showered downstairs.
Then she pretended to arrive through the front door at 8 o’clock, I don’t think Katy was fooled for a moment but it made us feel better.
We repeated the experience on two more occasions over the following week and then she never came again, well not with me anyway.

The rest of the first week of March passed in a comfortable routine in which, day by day saw Katy spending almost imperceptibly more time sleeping. And weariness came over her at great speed.
Nothing much else happened though, I saw little of the village and my only contact with the world was through the visitors who came to see Katy and skypes with Georgia.

The only significant moment of the week was on Thursday when Olivier called around to see me.
“Any news about the sisters?” I whispered to her in the kitchen.
“Yes” she replied “and no”
“Ah” I responded
“I managed to track down Marion and they’re flying into Heathrow on Saturday afternoon” she said
“Excellent” I said thoughtfully
“You did mean for me to get two tickets?” she asked doubtfully
“Of course” I said “sorry for being so ambiguous”
Olivia paused for a second relieved she hadn’t over stepped the parameters of her brief.
“Anne on the other hand is proving to be a little more elusive, she and her husband are visiting outlying villages and I haven’t been able to contact her yet,” she said with a sigh before adding “she may not get here in time”
“All we can do is pray,” I suggested

On Friday lunchtime I left Katy in the very capable hands of Laura Gregory, who thought she would relieve me for a couple of hours, and I took a walk over to the Golf Club for some R & R.
I hadn’t set foot in the club since New Years Day when I rogered Shula over the billiard table.
In one corner I found my very good buddies Victoria Braithwaite, Judith Hunt and Pandora Parkinson-Brown.
“Simon” Judith shouted and the other two cheered in response
“Hello stranger” Pandy said with a distinct leer and stood up and kissed me.
“I’m glad you’re all here” I said genuinely “I haven’t seen you all together for an age”
Then Victoria and Judith also embraced me.
After all the hugging and kissing Judith was about to go to the bar and get me a drink when the barman arrived with a tray upon which sat my drink.
“Courtesy of the Captain, Mr Fisher” he said formerly
“Thank you” I said and nodded in the direction of the Captain.
And that set the trend for the afternoon as drink after drink appeared courtesy of appreciative members.
I had to take it a bit steady as it would not have been difficult to get completely shit faced thankfully another member stumped up for lunch.
It was very enjoyable catching up with the girls and what they were up to.
Judith updated me on how things were going with her new man Mortimer Beaumont while we ate.
Then Pandora talked about how things were progressing with Morty’s brother Harry.
And even Victoria had a beau, who she had known when she was a girl who she had recently met again after 30 years.
“So tell me what you’re up to this weekend,” I said
“Its mothers day weekend” they all said in unison, Victoria included
The Beaumont brothers were away visiting their mother in Cornwall, Judith was being taken up to London for the weekend by her sons, Pandora husband was having the children until Sunday lunchtime and Victoria was being treated by Maisie.
“She said I’m her adopted mum” Victoria said her eyes filling with tears.
“You old softy” I said handing her my hankie,
“Thank you Simon” she said and then blew her nose, not quite what I had in mind.
“So you’re not away for the weekend”? I asked Pandora
“No I’m having a very lazy weekend at home alone” she said giving me a sideways glance.

I spent Friday evening feeling a bit dopey as a result of all the hospitality but I still managed to finish reading “the Chamber of Secrets” to Katy and then read the first three chapters of “the Prisoner of Azkaban” before we called it a night.
Saturday began in much the same way as any other day of the preceding weeks.
Nurse, bath time, breakfast and visitors, same old same old,
With one notable difference namely a constant stream of text messages from Olivier updating on the progress of Katy’s sister Marion.
The flight leaving from Alaska was delayed, which meant they missed there connecting flight in New York.
Which meant waiting to get on the next available flight.
And all of this information was conveyed to me via text, which meant I was up and down like a tarts drawers.
Finally the message came saying they were on their way, this meant instead of the flight landing early on Saturday afternoon it wouldn’t arrive until tea time so they wouldn’t arrive at the house until well into the evening so I left Olivier to arrange for their collection from Heathrow.

I was a bit disappointed about the delay, as I had hoped I might pop over to Pandora’s after supper and avail myself of her delights.
Unless I had misread the signs I was defiantly invited, and was almost certainly expected – oh well some other time.
And I heard no more, now as annoying as Olivier’s constant texting became I soon found that hearing nothing was ten times worse.

Just before lunch I went into the kitchen and found Katy sitting on her throne with her arms folded and a real sulky expression on her face.
“What’s up grumpy?” I asked
“Shut up I’m sulking” she replied
“I can see that” I responded “but what are you sulking about?”
“I’ve been trying to get in touch with Marion, we always live chat on a Saturday morning at breakfast time, breakfast time here yesterday bedtime for her, But this morning nothing” she said despondently
“I wouldn’t worry, its probably just the weather, they have a lot of it up there you know” I suggested
“You’re a great help” Katy retorted
Katy soon shook off her sulky mood and spent the afternoon soundly thrashing me at crib.
I had had numerous more texts firstly from Olivier updating me on arrival times and then from Tilly, who along with Robert was meeting Bob and Marion Loader at Heathrow.
They had picked up the baton as I had to stay with Katy in order that she wouldn’t suspect anything, which she undoubtedly would have had I gone myself.
So as it was, Katy and I spent the afternoon and early evening as we would any other day.
Tilly texted just after five to say
“Flight landed”
The nurse came slightly earlier than usual to attend to Katy in the usual manner and then stayed later than normal.
Meanwhile I was preparing dinner; again this involved frozen meals and a preheated oven.
The only difference being that I had to cater for more than the two of us.
Just as I showed the nurse out I received another text from Tilly
“20 minutes away” it read
Katy hadn’t yet reappeared downstairs, which was not a bad thing as it meant I didn’t have to distract her, but it was time to find out where she had got to.
So after I had checked the food wasn’t burning I went upstairs and found her lying on the bed asleep.
I sat on the bed next to her and took hold of her hand in mine,
“Katy” I said softy, but there was no response
“Katy” I said again a little louder and she murmured before opening her eyes
“Oh Simon” she said surprised “Oh dear I only closed my eyes for a second”
“Its time to come downstairs for supper Hon” I said
“Can I have it in bed tonight?” she asked
“No not tonight” I replied
“Oh go on,” she begged
“No” I said and stood up “now come on lazy bones”
I knew only too well that in not many more weeks she would be have all of her meals in bed
“You’re just mean” she said and begrudgingly got up

I did however concede to her request for a piggyback down the stairs.
I had just got her settled on her throne in the kitchen when there was a knock at the front door.
“Who can that be?” Katy said, “I hope its not more visitors”
Then as an after thought she added
“Sorry God”
“I’ll go and see,” I said
When I got to the front door and opened it I found Tilly and Robert standing there either side of a slightly older version of Katy, and behind them was a tall thin gaunt looking man who I assumed to be Bob.
“Hello” I said then in a whisper I added in a whisper
“She’s in the kitchen”
“Who is it?” Katy called
“Its Robert and Tilly” I called back
“Ok” she answered
“Come in, come in” I said
There was a brief period of silent greetings and handshakes then I led the way up the hall to the kitchen with Marion following closely in my wake.
Katy was stood at the table laying place mats and cutlery as I walked in.
“I think you might need to set a few more places,” I said
“Why?” Katy began to ask and then I stepped aside and for a moment there was complete and utter silence
“Maz?” Katy asked, “Is that really you?”
“Who else would it be?” Marion replied as she walked towards her floundering sister and they embraced.
“How?” Katy uttered as tears welled up in her eyes
“Its all thanks to Simon” Marion said and she began to cry as well.
After an emotional five minutes Marion gathered herself sufficiently to say
“Look Bobs here as well, you haven’t met him yet”
After Bob and Katy had been introduced Marion unbuttoned her coat
“And you haven’t met this one either” she said and laid Katy’s hand on her bump.
“A baby?” Katy said and then the tears rained down again.
After the tears had subsided Katy turned her attention to me
And wrapped her arms around my neck
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she said “God bless you Simon”
Then Marion joined in and it all got a bit messy, and I was really way out of my comfort zone.
“Lets eat” I said and kissed the two women on the forehead

We were all sitting around the table after the meal drinking coffee when bob asked
“Is there a hotel near by?”
“Yes there is” I replied “but you’re staying here”
“No we can’t impose on you any further” Bob protested
“You have already done so much for us,” Marion Added
“Nonsense, you’re staying here and that’s an end to it” I insisted

Tilly had to leave after the meal as she was meeting up with Tristan and driving to their mums for mother’s day.
So I helped Bob and Robert retrieve the Loaders luggage from her car and then Bob and I left Robert and Tilly having a snoggy farewell on the doorstep and carried the bags upstairs to the spare room.

As it was a special occasion we opened some wine and sat around chatting.
When Katy got up and went to the loo Marion said
“You are a very kind man”
“Nonsense” I said rather embarrassed “let’s change the subject”
“What would have happened if you hadn’t been here when she had to leave the vicarage?” Bob asked
“Katy could have stayed at the Vicarage until the end if she’d wanted to; Robert was in no hurry to push her out he was quite happy staying at the pub”
“Rather” was Roberts’s only contribution
“The truth of the matter was Katy wanted to get out of Roberts way, but didn’t want to go into a hospice so as I live alone here in a huge house, and I work from home it seemed like the perfect solution”
“You are a kind man though” Marion persisted
“I’ve been very lucky in my life and when I was in a position to help someone who is much loved in the village, I took it”
I said
“Katy needs company, someone to help occupy her time and her mind so that’s my role, so now can we change the subject”

About an hour later Robert excused himself, as he still hadn’t finished writing Sundays sermon.
As Bob was sitting in an armchair snoring loudly and Katy and Marion were talking 10 to the dozen completely oblivious to their surroundings
I decided to leave with Robert
“I’m going to leave you two to catch up as I’m obviously surplus to requirements so I’m going to take a wander and get a nightcap at the Keys”
“Ok” Katy responded with a knowing look, she knew it wasn’t a nightcap I was going out for.
I walked with Robert as far as the Vicarage and then I turned down the lane by the church, which led to the path that crossed the golf course.
From there I traversed the course until I reached Pandora’s house.
I was pleased to see some of the house lights were still on.
So keeping in the shadows I made my way up to the house and tapped on the window,
It took a few minutes, but then Pandora came to the door already in her nightclothes.
She gave me a smile and opened the door
“I thought you weren’t coming,” she said
“Marion’s flight was delayed,” I responded while I watched her nipples erecting through her silk nightie in the cool night air
She noticed me looking at her tits but she made no effort to conceal them instead she said
“I thought I might have to attend to myself”
“Oh that sounds nice can I watch?” I replied
“You are incorrigible” she said and laughed, and then she took my hand and pulled me in through the door.
She closed the door behind me and drew the curtain then she slithered up against me and kissed my mouth.
“Where would you like me darling?” she asked
“Bed I think” I answered
“A good choice” she said and giggled
“Anywhere would have been a good choice Pandy,” I told her
“Shut up and get upstairs,” she ordered
I followed Pandora as she climbed the stairs my eyes fixed on her magnificent buttocks as they taunted me through the silk of her nightgown
“So if you had needed to attend to yourself what would you been thinking about?”
I asked
“I can’t tell you that,” she said coyly giving me a quick glance over her shoulder
As we reached the top stair I insisted
“I think you can”
“I cant” she reaffirmed as we reached the bedroom door I took hold of her and turned her towards me and kissed her
“Please” I said,
She stood staring at my chest and let out a huge sigh
“That day in the woods, by the 17th green, where you took me from behind over that fallen tree” she said quietly
“You enjoyed that day didn’t you?” I said proudly
Pandora nodded
“When I play that hole I still get a tingle down below,” she admitted still staring at my chest.
“And what else?” I asked as she opened the bedroom door
“The night of the summer ball” she answered as she pulled me into the room
“On the golf cart in the moonlight”
“And”? I persisted as we stood by the bed
“In the woods in the thunderstorm” she replied as she began to undress me, “and later in your house”
My shirt and trousers were discarded when I asked
“Is that all?”
“St Andrews day” she barked as she yanked my pants down “when I kidnapped you”
“And the day after” and one sock had gone
“And the day after that” and the other sock was removed.
“Is there anything in your Wank Bank that doesn’t involve me?”
“No” she said and kissed my helmet before standing up again
“So what do you want to do now?” I asked
“Put something else in the bank” she replied and slipped her fingers around my cock and kissed me.
“And how would madam like her deposit?” I asked
“Surprise me,” she answered tightening her grip on my shaft and kissing me again.
My hands were fondling the cheeks of her silk clad bum while she tugged on me.
I released the handfuls of arse and grabbed handfuls of her nightie and dragged it upwards.
Pandora released her hold on me and I pulled her nightgown off over her head.
Then I lifted her up so she was standing on the bed.
Pandora wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled my head towards her great globes surmounted by huge aroused nipples which she wafted about my lips, tempting and teasing me until she allowed me to engulf a great pink teat and sucked hard on it,
After a minute or so she pushed my head back leaving her misshapen saliva coated nip and then unceremoniously latched me on to the other.
After giving the appropriate period of attention I released her wet teat and pushed her backwards onto the bed.
Pandora bounced spectacularly on the bed and giggled as her tits bounced independently of the rest of her.
As I moved toward her Pandora, still giggling she tried to turn and scramble away.
I rapidly crawled up the bed and grabbed her ankle and pulled her back.
Having prevented her escape I could then slowly crawl up her tidy bod, kissing her belly as I crawled then her plump tits, sucking both teats before I reached her mouth and when our tongues engaged in a passionate duel my throbbing cock homed in on her moist crack like a missile.
I entered her pussy all the way, and as I pushed my cock into her welcoming wetness breath exhaled from her mouth.
Pandora’s thighs gripped me tightly and her noisy responses to my strokes urged me on and I pounded on her more, the pace increasing steadily, faster and faster.
Her nails were in my back as we moaned and grunted in unison. We sped on quickening the pace and shortening the stroke until we reached maximum velocity and we both exploded in utter ecstasy.
We lay locked in that embrace, a single, sweating panting beast for several minutes until I rolled off her and there we lay exhausted and spent for an indeterminate period.
Eventually I looked at her and said
“Will that make it to the bank?”
“Oh God yes” she replied still panting.

A Little Bit Of Humour # 12

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 292

There was an Owl lived in an oak.
And one day his hoot became a croak
His feathers were drab for all too see
Then he gasped and fell out of the tree

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit?
Well I know there’s a recession on
But I’m afraid knitted swimwear
Isn’t at all the right thing to don

Because one of two things will happen
The weight of wool will pull them down
Or when you are swimming the weight
Will pull you under and you’ll drown

A GOLF OF DIFFERENCE

I have been playing Golf for years
And sometimes it makes me curse
But it doesn’t matter how bad I play
I know next time it could be worse

FOUL WEATHER GOLFER

If you don’t mind playing Golf in the rain,
Snow, Storm, Tempest or a hurricane,
Then not wishing to burst your bubble
It’s not just your golf game that’s in trouble

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 2

We are traditionalists
In our village
Deep in little Britain.
And on a weekend
There is nothing
We like better
Than a game
Of ten peasant bowling

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

“You can’t take it with you”
That’s what they say
But at the end of the day
A will is a dead giveaway

A BICYCLE COULDN'T STAND UP

A bicycle couldn't stand up
Alone it transpired
Because after a cycle
It was obviously two tired

WHEN I LIVED IN MELBOURNE

When I lived in Melbourne
I often used to wonder
Why the Local Area Network
Wasn’t called The LAN down under

COULD I TRY ON THAT PRETTY DRESS

"Could I try on that pretty dress
In the window?" she asked him
He replied "well I would prefer
That you used a cubicle madam"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 293

There were two birds sat on a stone
The farmer saw them and then went home
He returned later with a loaded gun
Took close aim and then there were none

WHEN I FIRST MET HER

When I first met her
I was attracted by her looks
My first thought was not
I wonder if she cooks
But her literary inadequacy’s
One certainly brooks
She was only ever interested
In my cheque books

MY HUSBAND’S BEHAVIOUR

My husband’s behaviour
Is truly appalling
However it’s my fault really
Which is quite galling

If I hadn’t fed him cat food
Just for the laughs
He wouldn’t sit on the carpet
Licking his own arse

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME

Since the beginning of time, the one thing
A woman really wants from her man
Is his commitment, its not a lot to expect
So have him committed as soon as you can

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for
A committed man for ions,
You should have started
In the mental institution

ARE YOU WEARING SILK DRAWERS?

Are you wearing silk drawers?
I only ask you as I can see
That you appear to be the victim
Of an elastic deficiency
And if you combine that
With the force of gravity
They are around your ankles
You may think it a catastrophe
But I would beg to differ
For me it’s just serendipity

A Little Bit Of Humour # 11

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,
They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;
Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:
"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!
Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers
We’re late for training at Twickers”

THE PRACTICE SWING

If your practice swing
Is the best you can do
Then I would have to say
That Golfs not for you

ARE YOU WEARING A TOGA?

Are you wearing a toga?
I don’t want to be an ogre
But you’ll be a hit alright
At the house party tonight
As everyone will be knowing.
Because you will be showing
That beneath the flowing robes
You have unfettered globes

THE GIMME

If the “Gimme Putt”
Is the best you can do
Then I would have to say
That Golfs not for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 291

Blow wind, blow
And go, mill, go
I heard the miller cry
But I don’t know why
He needs wind to grind
He’s clearly lost his mind
I know he has corn
To grind before dawn
And I know it’s hectic
But the Mill is electric
So he should know
If the wind did blow
The sails would be still
And it won’t turn the mill

ARE YOU WEARING ROMAN ROBES?

Are you wearing Roman robes?
They’re very loose and flowing
And they fit where they touch
Without any detail showing
Which keeps a man guessing
I really like that about them
Because it’ll be a surprise later
When I take you up the forum

RUNNING GENES

Scientists say there are now
Running Genes
But surely it would chafe
If you ran in Jeans

DANCING TO HIP HOP

I like breakin’ and poppin’
And dancing to Hip hop
At Sixty I should be stoppin’
As I’m down for a Hip op

ARE YOU WEARING A REUNION BADGE?

Are you wearing a reunion badge?
No wonder you look depressed
Steer clear of the class reunion
It will just leave you distressed
I know it was a bit of fun looking
At the old school year books
But going will just make you feel
Older than everyone else looks

GENETIC MARKERS

Scientists say they have discovered
Genetic markers that indicate athleticism
I think if they take a close look at mine
I will have markers for Couch potatoism

PORTMANTEAU

I was looking for a word
That summed up slogan or motto
But something more pithy
In the end I settled on Slotto

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st Century Nursery Rhymes
I really find are such a doddle
Though most people think
That they are a load of twaddle
But as I rapidly approach
The autumn of my days
It’s frankly just too late
For me to change my ways

DIVIDING OPINION

Because of the obvious risk
That one of us might fall
I had a stair lift fitted
Which I don’t mind at all
But my wife says that its
Driving her up the wall

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 1

We are traditionalists
In our village
Deep in little Britain.
And on a weekend
There is nothing
We like better
Than a game
Of spin the pauper

A Little Bit Of Humour # 10

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 288

As I was going to Banbury Cross
My wife was less than thrilled
“For god’s sake calm down” she said
“You’re going to get us killed

A PEOPLE PERSON

It read, “I’m a people person”
On his bumper sticker
But it actually turned out
That he was a trafficker

THERE IS A MOTH IN THE BATHROOM

There is a moth in the bathroom
Drawn towards the light
My wife was in the shower
And it gave her a bit of a fright

I don’t understand why
If they are attracted to the light
They don’t just appear
When the sun is shining bright

SALAD DODGERS

When the slot machines
Are played by those with obesity
In a life spent in the arcades
It’s the only fruit that they see

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

I ran a personal best
In the 100 metres
And my new record is
Almost 80 metres

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

The kids wanted to see
Walt Disney on ice
They all thought
It would be really nice

However it turned out
To be some old geezer,
Walt Disney apparently,
Lying dead in a freezer

OUR FAMILY PLANNING

There are only 13 months
Between my two little chaps
It was actually by design
As we didn’t want a big gap
So thats why as part of the plan
My wife had a Caesarean

THE DALAI LAMA

In a vote for a leader of our planet
The Dalai Lama would be my bet
I would certainly risk a grand
If I were a Tibetan man

FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY

For my 60th birthday
I bought myself a sports car
It’s my pride and joy
Not that’s it’s been very far
As there is a slight problem
An oversight I have to admit
I need a hip replacement
Before I can get in it

THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD

When I bought my house
My parents kindly helped me
And now I really can’t
Thank them enough - apparently

ARE YOU WEARING A FASCINATOR?

Are you wearing a fascinator?
Well tell be more about that
Oh my imagination was all agog
But now you tell me its just a silly hat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 289

If wishes were horses
Then beggars would ride,
But they’re not
So get off my pony

PLAYING A WOOD

For most of us weekend golfers
The only wood that is essential
To carry in your golf bag
Is a finely sharpened pencil

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET?

Are you wearing velvet?
That’s the sexiest dress yet
Do you mind if I touch?
Oh I like that very much
I don’t think we should go out
I think without a doubt
We should definitely stay in
And then we can both sin

A Little Bit Of Humour # 9

mARE YOU WEARING SEVEN INCH HEELS?

Are you wearing seven inch heels?
As you’re tottering down the street
But don’t you feel silly standing
Six foot two in your stocking feet

AT DR DOOLITTLE’S ANIMAL CLINIC

At Dr Doolittle’s animal clinic
The Animals do the lot
The chief vet is a Labrador
Assisted by a dog called spot

But it’s not a cheap option
With extra charges of all sorts
For PET scans and Polly grams
Cat scans and Lab reports

THE WILDLIFE DOWN UNDER

The wildlife down under
Includes the Wallabies
But if truth be known they’re
Just Kangaroo Wannabies

IN THE EUROPEAN FORESTS

In the European forests
The wild boar can be vicious
But it’s worth the risk
As they’re bloody delicious

FOOD SCANDAL

The best thing to result
From the food scandal by far
Is that they can now call off
The search for Shergar

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward
Placed his stethoscope
On the chest of an elderly patient
By the name of Mrs Hope

She was quite a bit deaf
So he said “big breaths,” loudly
“Well Doctor they used to be,”
Mrs Hope replied proudly

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?
No of course there is no disgrace
But I do think I should point out
That you don’t put it on your face

MY WIFE AND I ARE INSEPARABLE

My wife and I are inseparable
Do you want to know why?
Because if either of us went away
We would have to kiss goodbye

MY DEAR WIFE SAID TO ME

My dear wife said to me
“I hate you when you’re drunk Stephen”
I replied, “Well I hate you
When I’m sober so that makes us even”

MOBILE COMMUNICATION 2013

“I want to buy a mobile phone,
No I don’t want a camera,
Not even video,
No I don’t want movie down loads
Screensaver’s, internet access,
Or downloads of any kind
I don’t want WAP or WiFi
G3, G4 or G5
I don’t need 100 ringtones
10000 free minutes
Or unlimited texts at weekends
I don’t need a I GB data allowance
I don’t want to play games
I don’t need an MP3 player
I don’t want a tracker,
I neither want nor need
Blue tooth
Sharks tooth
Hounds tooth
Or dog tooth.
I do not require the world at my fingertips.
In short, what I want is a device
To make and receive phone calls
And to send and receive texts
I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”
“Thank you that one will be perfect
Does it have a torch?”

FOOD SCARE

I have just found out
That in the meals I buy
That there is sea horse
In my fisherman’s pie

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

My philosophy of life
Is a simple one
I recommend you try it,
You’ll be glad

Love the people
Who treat you right
Pray for the ones
Who treat you bad

TAKING THE CHERRY

The Cherry Ripe bar
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included

FATHER’S DAY

Don’t forget dad on Father’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives him to drink

HARE OF THE DOG

I need a bit of a pick me up
After a very boozy lunch
A “hare of the dog” is the thing
After too much Rabbit Punch

A Little Bit Of Humour # 8

OUT OF THIS WORLD PRODUCE

My supermarkets veg is the best
Normally for quality you can’t beat it
But I bought some rocket salad
That went off before I could eat it

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study
And transfusions of Chicken blood
Are more beneficial medically

The positive side effects are that
It tends to make the men cocky
And women lay more regularly

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

I walked past a homeless man
As I went into Co-op express
On my way out he said “Any Change?”
I replied “No, you're still homeless”

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING

Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake

EMOTIONAL WEDDING

I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”

NEW ABODE

At the weekend a friend of mine
Moved into a new house
And not wanting to visit
Empty handed I used a bit of nouse
And bought her a gift
I knew that she couldn’t resent
A couple of small radiators
As a little house warming present

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up
In the morning with regret,
So I think not waking up until
After lunch is the safest bet

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

The only difference between
A guard dog and mummy
Is that the guard dog will
Let go of you eventually

KEYBOARDS

In the 1970’s I was big into
Keyboards and synthesizers
I like Wakeman, and Emerson
In fact I was a moog sympathizer

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

Have you ever had?
The kind of day
That almost drove you insane

When you wish
You’d done it differently
But your wishing is in vain

If only we could press
“Ctrl Alt Delete”
And start the day again

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks
And blood red lips
Varnished nails
And tattooed flesh
Dyed sculptured hair
And black shadowed brow
Who are you?
All pierced and painted
And what have you done
With my lovely daughter?

MOTHER’S DAY

Don’t forget mum on Mother’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives her to drink

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre
As they didn’t want to take a risk
As a suspicious object was seen in a car
It turned out later to be a tax disk

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF CONTEMPT?

Are you wearing a look of contempt?
After my ham fisted clumsy attempt
Clearly I can indeed see that you are
After failing to unhook that bloody bra

GIFTED AMATEURS

If someone says they’re an Amateur
There’s really no need to panic
Because Amateurs built the Ark
While Professionals built the Titanic

A Little Bit Of Humour # 7

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI-KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Cami-knickers?
Well might I ask the reason why?
Now they’re deliciously sexy things
Though not really appropriate on a guy
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE

I have found at my age
When the day is dawning
The easiest thing in the world
Is to roll out of bed in the morning
Getting up off the floor however
Really leaves me yarning

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU

Whatever life throws at you
The thing you must do
To be at your very best
Is bat it back with interest
Or if you are out of luck
Your best bet is to duck
You are safe that way
If you duck out of the way
When there is no way to stop it
Then someone else will cop it

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

It doesn’t matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine

PERSONAL HYGIENE

The instructions
On my new stick deodorant read
Remove cap
And push up bottom. It said
I complied with the instructions
And it made my eyes water
I had difficulty walking
I had to grip my buttocks taughter
But when I had to fart
I did so quite softly
And noticed at once
That the room smelt lovely

PRIORITISING

Players perform elaborate routines
When goals are scored by my team
They must practise them for days
But I would prefer in many ways
That the celebration performers
Would practise defending corners

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question was a mare
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”
I thought “this is an easy one for me”
The correct answer was actually Fiji

BABY CARE UNIT

I just heard about an incident
That is reportedly true
Concerning a hospital
That has caused a to do
About the baby’s face
Somebody taped a dummy to
Well I have kids myself
And I would, wouldn’t you?

SENIOR BUFFER

I went into PC World
With a print error
And their solution
Filled me with terror

The spotty youth
On his help desk stint
Said I had to
Control P to print

I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL

I ordered the Tarka Dal
It was like lentil soup only hotter
I was a bit disappointed
As I was expecting curried otter

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?

Are you wearing a strapless bra?
With tits the size of yours
You’d have done better
Tucking then into your drawers

PATIENTS RIGHTS

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop
My visitors coming to see me?”
She replied “you know perfectly well why,
You broke the rules Mr Ellery”
“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted
“I’m allowed to have three”
“You are allowed friends and family not
Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries

A FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP

When I first dated my wife
Long ago in another life
I would get aroused watching her
Eating a banana
Now, thirty years later
It’s quite a different matter
I only get exited watching her
If she chokes on the banana

BIRTHDAY TREAT

When your wife asks,
Which of her friends,
You would choose from,
To attend
Your birthday treat
And participate
In a threesome,
You shouldn’t hesitate
But a word of caution
When she asks you
Just give her the one name
And not two

DOMESTIC TIP

How do you turn on the dishwasher?
My friend asked me
I replied that in my house
Blowing in her ear was the key