Spiritual # 2

THE GOOD BOOK

The good book
A trusty tome
Full of comfort and succour
Hope and salvation
A reliable companion
A stalwart in adversity
A true bestseller
Sometimes contentious
Often misquoted
Frequently misused,
The devout and the atheist
Quote in equal measure
From its voluminous pages
They scour and pillage
Cherry picked passages
To support a particular stance
At times it can even satisfy
Both sides of the same argument
Inclusive and accessible to all
In the right hands
It illuminates and empowers
In the wrong hands
It divides and imposes
The bible in truth
Is full of ambiguities
And numerous contradictions
But most important of all
It contains essential truths

I DIDN’T SAY WHY ME?

When I was first diagnosed
I didn’t say why me?
I didn’t blame God
I didn’t curse him
Or hate him
Or ask the question
Why me Lord?
All my life
I have been blessed
And when good things
Happened in my life
I didn’t say “why me?”

I HAVE ALWAYS HAD FAITH

I have always had faith
An unaccountable
Unshakable faith
But only in God
My faith in him
Was a constant
The only constant
In an uncertain world

It was the Church
I had no truck with
My faith did not extend
To the institution
Of the Church
Or its instruments
Its rituals and
Mechanisms of control

I have no issue with
The Church family
Well meaning folk
One and all
Doing the great things
And the small with equal relish
They are just not for me

I chose to worship alone
Just me and my God
My Church was a quiet wood
My Cathedral a hill top

So to stand before the cross
In the old Chapel
Was a departure for me
A departure from the norm
But exceptional circumstances
Called for exceptional measures
It was an old place
An ancient place
A powerful place
A conduit to God
To amplify my faith

So I fell to my knees
In the ancient chapel
Humbling myself
Before my God
And I prayed

THE CHOIRS OF HEAVENLY HOSTS

The Choirs of Heavenly hosts
The angels, Archangels
Principalities and Authorities
The Virtues, Dominions,
Thrones or Orphanim
The Cherubim and Seraphim
The Holy Spirit
My lord Jesus Christ
And the Heavenly Father
Protect me all my days

The Love Selection # 10

WHEN THE SUMMER EVENING FALLS

When the summer evening falls
The melodic nightingale calls
This is also the lover’s time
And the perpetrators of crime
Then at the passing of the night
Lovers take cover criminals take flight

SILVER MOON ABOVE MOUNTAIN BLUE

Silver moon above mountain blue
Is there another looking at you?
Shooting star flashing across the sky
Is there another asking you why?
It is my love wishing on that star
I will find you wherever you are

I WANTED HER TO STAY IN MY ARMS

I wanted her
To stay in my arms
To be my girl for ever
But her feelings for me
Evaporated like mist
In the heat of the sun
Leaving only shadowy memories
Of passions passed
And i am alone
Unable to cry the tears
I just keep asking why
But in the hollow void
Of my empty heart
Only silence echo’s

SKIPPING STONES ACROSS THE BLUE

Skipping stones across the blue
Sharing holiday laughter and fun
When amidst the joyful splashing
It hit me like a bullet from a gun
Why was I playing childish games?
With a girl who was built to stun
So I looked at her and smiled
Took her hand and called her Hon
Then we walked barefoot in the surf
Holding hands beneath the sun
On a day neither of us would forget
When our first love had begun

IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 2

It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to chance
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar dance

WHEN THE BURNING SUN SINKS LOW

When the burning sun sinks low
Setting the western sky aglow
And the evening shadows grow
This is the time of the amorous beau

A Humourous Selection # 22

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

“How old was your husband?”
Asked the undertaker
“He was “96,” she replied
“I’m two years older”

“Wow! So you’re 98
That’s amazing Mrs Boone”
Then he continued
“I will see you again quite soon”

ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT I SAID

On our wedding night
I said to my new wife
I’m going ruin you
I’ll suck the life
Out of your lovely tits
And shag your brains out
Fifty years later
I’d say that was a good shout

TWO MEN WERE TALKING IN A BAR

Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the other one
“Do you ever look at your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her one”

“I did once and saw the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the other man
“Because she was watching through the window”

MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME

“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath
And then shoot him again”

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING

A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her a question
“You know men have many terms
For the act of male masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off
Beating the meat, having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking off
Glopping or pulling the pudding
Knocking one out, having a wank
Performing an organ solo
Or giving the monkey a spank”
“Well that’s because men are pigs”
She replied in a disgusted scoff
So what do women call female masturbation
She replied, “Finishing off”

HI, I’M JOHN

“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with Donnie?”
He was a call center dude
The original foreign Johnny

ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS

One Monday morning two guys
Were talking in the coffee room
One had that Monday morning feeling
The other had no such gloom

“What are you so happy about?”
The misery asked his friend
“Well as a matter of fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”

“You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home Friday night
I noticed a girl tied to the tracks
At first it gave me a bit of a fright”

“But I rescued the damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood movie hero
And took her back to my place
Where one thing led to another you know”

“And we made love all weekend
In every position you can name
In every room, we did the lot
Then we did it all over again”

“That’s what I’m so happy about?”
“You lucky swine” his friend said
“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never found her head”

I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT

I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that was a mistake
Because he said, “every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice of cake

THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER

The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken her hymen
Or she still had her tights on

THREE CHILDREN SLIDING ON THE ICE

Three children sliding on the ice
Fell on their bottoms once or twice
Three children sliding on the ice
How they enjoyed the slippery device
Until based on health and safety advice
The caretaker ruined it in a trice

WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG

When the children were young
They just gave me a headache
Now that they’re older
They are more of a heartache

GIVE A MAN A FISH

Give a man a fish
And you’ll feed him for a day
Teach him to use the Net
And he’ll order a takeaway

A Humourous Selection # 21

SCRATCH GOLFER

I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad

POLISH EYE TEST

A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”

I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY

I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure

NEWS FLASH

News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does

OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE

Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do

So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”

And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"

ON THE TITANIC

The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice

ON THE CONCORDIA

The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks

THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET

There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige

GREAT DEPRESSION

I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee

YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR

Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife

A Humourous Selection # 20

CALL CENTER MODE EVEN MORE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply

“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”

WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER

When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives

WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING

When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT

She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell

COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING

Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first

YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG

You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag

GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM

Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam

I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY

I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently

A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again

A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently

My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road

DRUNK DRIVING

He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk

Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree

The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically

The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there

LAZARUS PILL # 2

I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup

A Humourous Selection # 19

CUPID’S LAST HURRAH

I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers

TEMPERAMENTAL

Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm

LESBIAN CARPENTER

My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired

SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL

A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.

DO YOU NEED A BAG

A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”

FISHY BLONDE

Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head

"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".

BLONDE POST

The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor

The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"

Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most

BIMBETTES LOST DOG

Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess

Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me

ALPINE QUERY

“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?

A Humourous Selection # 18

ALIMONY VENDOR

A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun

Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun

SELF-MEDICATING

There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies

LAZARUS PILL # 1

There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead

KILLER PILL

I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain

PILL POPPER # 1

Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue

I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few

PILL POPPER # 2

I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass

My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door

FEEL YOUR AGE

You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part

JUST A DASH

Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water

ADOPT A WILD CAT

They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?

HE CAME IN THE NIGHT

He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief

DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE

Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry