A Humourous Collection # 9

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

Oh God I feel so old
Just send for the undertaker
I’ve started making the same noises
As my coffee maker

SHOPPING ENCOUNTER

Their eyes met at the supermarket
She clearly recognized him
But he was drawing a blank
So a smile was exchanged between them

She decided to break the ice
And pleasantly, said "Hello!"
She obviously knew him
She was a stranger to him though

So he asked, "Do you know me?
You do look familiar” he lied
"I think you're the father
Of one of my kids." She replied,

“Are you the drunken cheerleader?
I shagged under the bleachers’”
She gave him a look and said
“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"

BIG BONED

No you don’t have “big bones”
That belief is mere folly
Let’s face it you’re just fat
It’s a shame you’re not jolly

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

You have just been sick
And not just a bit
So stop pretending
And spare me the wit
It isn’t just a hiccup
With some pizza in it

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s crappy
Because with someone else
She might turn out to be happy

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s not right
At the end of the day
I stay with her out of spite

PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE

Prisoners are such a nuisance
When they are justly contained
Because of human rights
We can’t keep them restrained
And it’s so labour intensive
To keep them all entertained

WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP

Working in a sweat shop
Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew
Conditions are appalling
And never thought so-so

I DON’T GO ON TWITTER

I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity chatter
I find them contemptible
They should rename it Twatter

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
Lay a little egg for me.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
I want one for my tea
And this time if I don’t get one.
You’ll be dead by half past three.
So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
They’ll be chicken for my tea

ARE YOU WEARING? # 16

ARE YOU WEARING THAT?

Are you wearing that?
That’s what you’re wearing?
Seriously? It’s a little brief
Oh it’s certainly daring
Will it turn any heads?
Oh yes you’ll have them staring
And if that’s all you wear
Everything will get an airing

ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?

Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the smirkin’
But to be quite honest Betty
It looked better on the yeti

ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?

Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my vote
Its got you wrapped up well
And not a soul could tell
That beneath its military style
You’re quite naked all the while

ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?

Are you wearing whiskers?
Well it’s not really workin’
And to tell you the truth
It’s really rather irkin’
It would be better all round
If you just wore a merkin

ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?

Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be PUCK?
Oh you’re running the marathon
Well aren’t you the a silly fool

ARE YOU WEARING ONE?

Are you wearing one?
Then you’ll get none
No glove
No love

NATURE

SAVAGE SEA

All at sea, all at sea
In the teeth of a gale
Under a savage sky,
Black as night,
The wind blows unabated
Rain stings the flesh
And drowns the spirit.
Rolling black waves
Crash like thunder
All around us
As nature displays
Her awesome power
We pray to our Gods
Our course changed
By great waves of doom
Driving us on
Against our rudders will
To end us on a shallow reef

MOTHER NATURE DRESSED

Mother Nature dressed
In her splendorous gown
Brings forth the beauty
Of springs abundant pallet
Awakening the meadows
From winters slumber
Bathing them in sunlight
Drawing the flowers forth

THE LIGHT SPRING BREEZE PLAYED

The light spring breeze played
An enchanting wind chime symphony
But as the breeze became a gale
It soon turned to a cacophony

AFTER THE ICE STORM

After the ice storm
The world was transformed
A hushed silence had descended
And the landscape
Had change shape
Every thing had softened
The ice rimed trees
Stood like great ice pillars
In the a snow queens cathedral
Fountains cascaded no more
The waterfalls became abstract art
And fresh snow was falling
Like confetti at a winter wedding
Outside an ice sculpted church

WINTERS FURY

The wind howled around the house
And whistled through the trees
Bringing snow in blizzards
The strong winds across the rooftops
Whipped up the loose grains
And chased them like white ribbon
Across the grey slate
It wasn’t pretty snow
Nor did it present a pretty scene
Not at all picturesque
Or picture postcard
Snow was blown in horizontally
With great ferocity
And as I drew the drapes
It spattered the casement windows
I shivered and thanked God
I was safely home

SOME CRUMBS OF BREAD

Some crumbs of bread
Some bacon rind
Perhaps some nuts
Might be kind
It’s up to you
To decide what’s best
To set upon the table
For Robin red breast

THE SHARP-EYED SPARROWS

The sharp-eyed sparrows
Darting too and fro
Examine the soil
Disturbed by the hoe
Picking out a morsel
And off they go

WATERFOWL

So ungainly on the ground
Quite displeasing to the eye
But when they effortlessly
Spread their wings and fly
They perform a graceful ballet
Across the bright blue sky

THE MILLPOND WATER

The millpond water
In the sultry air
Stood eerily still
its mirrored surface
Reflected its image
In crystal clarity
So perfectly still
That the millpond water
Could have been
A looking glass
For young Alice
To enter wonderland

LIKE WIND BLOWN PETALS

Like wind blown petals
The snow fell in gentle swirls
Settling on the landscape
To delight the boys and girls

AS LENGTHENING SUMMER SHADOWS

As lengthening summer shadows
Give way to Autumnal shades
The last snows of winter
Are but a heartbeat away

INHABITING THE MARGINS

Inhabiting the margins
Of the waters edge
The waterfowl are found
Hid amongst the sedge

THE OPAQUE MISTS

The opaque mists
Blur and soften
Disguising the landscape
Hiding from sight
Until the sun warms
And burns the mist away

AS BITTER WINTER DISAPPEARS

As bitter winter disappears
The springtime cheers
As with each new flower
The season grows in power
Spring is here again
Stirring the souls of men

The Love Selection # 4

TRUE LOVE ARRIVED

True love arrived
Like a bolt from the blue
In a chance encounter
At a place and point in time
Someway distant
From that which they should
Separately have occupied
But the fates conspired
A serendipitous event
To bring them, unwillingly,
To that blessed point
Of momentary symmetry
When they glimpsed
Their separate histories
And shared future

THEY WALKED IN SILENCE

They walked in silence
Two halves of a whole
Palm against palm
Soul against soul

IN THE ELASTIC TIME OF DREAMS

In the elastic time of dreams
Where exists a cast of thousands
The impossible is possible
Logic ceases to exist
The living walk with the dead
Rivers flow upstream
The sky is green
The grass is blue
So why with all the infinite possibilities
Of my timeless dreams
Do I only dream of you?

ARROWS DOTH FLY FROM CUPIDS BOW

Arrows doth fly from cupids bow
And an enchanted cascade of arrows
Lays the unsuspecting lover low
Who then his heart he must bestow

HELD IN A CASTLE KEEP

A woman's love
Held in a castle keep
In a prison tower
Where passion cools
And time dims desire
She waits in her prison
And dreams of a knight
Who will release her bonds
Rekindling the fire
And returning her to the world

SWEET LYRICS OF AFFECTION

You whispered words of love
Sweet lyrics of affection
Their sublime sound caressed me
Like a summer breeze
Refreshing sultry skin
Each fresh loving word
Mesmerized me anew
And I knew my heart was lost
And I knew that I was found

YOU BLEW SOFT BREATH

You blew soft breath
On the embers of my memory
And breathed new life into me
Resuscitating a redundant heart
Until I unlearned how to fear
I unlearned how to doubt
I unlearned how to exist
Then I felt the warmth of the sun
Once more on my face
I felt the transformation
From loneliness to loved

RISK

If you wish to achieve
The greatest love
It involves taking a risk
And like achieving
The greatest of goals
Sometimes it means a great risk
But nothing worth having
Comes easy or risk free

I MUST READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

I must read between the lines.
To find the reasons why
So when you say, "I'm sorry",
Look me in the eye
So that I might know
If I caught you in a lie

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Why in every disagreement
From the first to the last
You don’t stay in the present
You rake up the past
I always fight fair
I nail my colours to the mast
Then your name-calling
Leaves me aghast

A Humourous Collection # 8

IF YOU SHOULD FIND

If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering

MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS

Mum should be a parole officer
Because in her defence
With her around
No one finishes a sentence

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”

FROZEN WINDOWS

Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows
@ home, frozen - what should I do?"
Peaches texted back “use some de-icer
Or boiling water will probably do”
Bimbette “OK, computer went bang
And lights have fused too"

CAR DEAL

After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“If you do better at school than you have so far,
Go to church every Sunday without fail
And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”

After a few months had passed the boy
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“Well you have improved at school by far
And you’ve gone to church every Sunday
But you still need a hair cut, so no car”

The boy replied, “Since going to church
I have learned a very great deal so far
Samson, John the Baptist, Moses and Jesus
All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had
Long hair but none of them had a car”

THE END OF ROMANCE

I knew the very moment that
The romance had died, it was after
I drank from my wife’s slipper
And almost choked on a corn plaster

SENIOR REVELATION

One day you look in the mirror
And beneath the lathers
You realize that the face
You are shaving is your fathers

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE

Rather than eating chicken soup
Just laugh a little every day
It’s much more beneficial
Well that’s what the chickens say

ARE YOU WEARING? # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A TEN GALLON HAT?

Are you wearing a ten gallon hat?
Well no there’s nothing wrong with that
And after all it does have to be said
You do have a ten gallon head

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?

Are you wearing a nightgown?
A subtle shade of light brown
You look sad in your nightgown
You even have a slight frown
Let me grab your nightgown
A subtle shade of light brown
And pull it quickly right down
And I’ll remove that slight frown

ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?

Are you wearing chaps?
And that perfectly fine of course
Apart from the one little fact
That you can’t ride a horse

ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing dungarees?
I think they are really nice
You should wear them more often
That would be my advice
Because I can strip you down
To your Knicks in a trice

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?

Are you wearing a hairnet?
You work at a baker’s shop I bet
I have a favourite Bakery
Where i find my favourite pastry
I particularly love baps and buns
The baker’s daughter has nice ones

ARE YOU WEARING A SHOCKED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a shocked expression?
Well that’s certainly the impression
But it’s never as bad as it seems
“You’ve just seen the girl of your dreams?”
“In which case you have my sympathy
Because I’ve had dreams like that you see”

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?

Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vagazzled
You’ve decked your minge
It looks like a disco ball
You might as well say blinge

ARE YOU WEARING THIS?

Are you wearing this?
What could be wrong?
Absolutely nothing
In fact nothing sums it up
There’s nothing to it
It covers nothing
And it leaves nothing
To the imagination

ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?

Are you wearing this and that?
A Purple and Chartreuse fleece
With sky blue corduroy flares
Watch out for the fashion police

ARE YOU WEARING THIS OR THAT?

Are you wearing this or that?
They both look really very nice
And you’ve tried on everything
In your wardrobes, twice
What’s wrong with looking nice?
I think they both look alright
I know you would prefer stunning
I would prefer to get there tonight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 259

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away
This is comforting you may say
But look at it another way
With angels round my bed
And lustful thoughts in my head
I can’t seem to find a way
That I can get my end away

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 260

Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
“I could play with your little toy”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 261

Says the little boy to the little girl,
"What shall we do?"
“Could I play among your curls”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 262

Tom he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But of all the things that he could play
He was happiest at his drum array

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 263

Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Were walking out one Sunday;
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Walked to the woods this one day
And Tommy Snooks to Bessie Brooks,
Had something of a fun day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 264

If Candlemas day
Be dry and fair
Will anyone
Actually care?

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 265

If Candlemas day
Be wet and foul
Then we all will wear
The usual scowl

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 266

If St Paul's day
Be fair and clear
Then Wimbledon
Will be good this year
And strawberries will
Sell well my dear

St Paul's day (June 29th)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 267

Bless you, bless you, bonny bee:
Say, when will your wedding be?
I’m only interested I should say
So we can all come and ruin your day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268

There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, And not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269

A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”
Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270

A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271

There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
And there she lies still

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Luckily he didn’t end up in bits
Because he was so off his tits

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it at all
And he can’t say what the truth is
Because he’s totally gone to pieces

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty Dumpty again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly concede
But it gave him a couple of tugs