ARE YOU WEARING? # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?

Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit

That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store

ARE YOU WEARING? # 12

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?

Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?

Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley

ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?

Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess

ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?

Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair

ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?

Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there

ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?

Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?

Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex

ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?

Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope

ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?

Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair

ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?

Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron

The Natural World

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime

BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH

Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime

CLOAK OF FOG

A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time

LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime

ARE YOU WEARING? # 11

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?

Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face

ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?

Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?

Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?

Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster

ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?

Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off

A Humourous Selection # 6

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door

DIRECTORY ENQUIRY

I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”

I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1

The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught

ARE YOU WEARING? # 10

ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?

Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash

ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?

Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob

ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?

Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt

ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?

Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses

ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?

Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess

ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?

Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly

ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?

Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white

ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?

Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person

A Humourous Selection # 5

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast

As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best

When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best

Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE

They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom