ARE YOU WEARING? # 11

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?

Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face

ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?

Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?

Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?

Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster

ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?

Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off

A Humourous Selection # 6

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door

DIRECTORY ENQUIRY

I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”

I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1

The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught

ARE YOU WEARING? # 10

ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?

Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash

ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?

Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob

ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?

Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt

ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?

Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses

ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?

Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess

ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?

Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly

ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?

Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white

ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?

Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person

A Humourous Selection # 5

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast

As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best

When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best

Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE

They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom

ARE YOU WEARING? # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARF?

Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite

ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?

Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light

ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?

Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go

ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?

Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat

ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?

Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire

ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?

Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?

Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day

ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?

Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school

ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing

ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?

Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa

The Love Selection # 3

GINGER HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER

To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you

WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?

What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire

What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way

I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start

I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead

EVERY SINGLE DAY

Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead

TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST

Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride

I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side

I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day

So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more

IN THE MEADOW

I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view

I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part

I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart

HOW WILL I COPE?

How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot

THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE

The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye

YOU ARE THE ONE

You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput

You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great

You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug

You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends

A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........