FAMILY HUMOUR

THE LOST WEEKEND

Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”

VEGETUS # 3

My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg

PEARL’S A SINGER

Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club

Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub

Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid

Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub

VARIOUS HUMOUR

THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet

Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time

REAR OF THE YEAR 2011

In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY

J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed

ROTY 2011

It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year

But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb

SENIOR HUMOUR

SENIOR COURTING

I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her

But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia

SENIOR NETWORKING

A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful

STAYING ATTRACTIVE

It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity

A Bit Of Lust

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 08

My thoughts are sinful
And the image I see
Is of you in disgrace
For being naughty
A very naughty girl
Bent across my knee
Your bare bottom
Exposed to me
Being soundly spanked
That’s the image I see

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 1

I think that down below you are bare
You have nothing on down there
There are things you’re not wearing
And I think you’re incredibly daring
But should the temperature turn ill
And you feel in danger of a chill
Fear not for I will execute my plans
And rescue you with my warm hands

THE HOLD OUT

You are so cute and fit
But you don’t seem up for it
Is there a reason you won’t play
Do you swing the other way?
Are you playing hard to get
Or haven’t met the “one” yet
It will take more than charmers
To get into your pyjama’s
Because I think for a start
They must get into your heart

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 2

You’ve gone commando haven’t you?
Don’t shake your head I know its true
That blushing vividly betrays you
And that’s only one of many clues
I have a clinical eye for what I peruse
And I can see dandruff on your shoes

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Do I care she’s not a perfect 10?
I’m really not that fickle
To be honest any bit of fluff
Gives me a trouser tickle

SOME LIKE A GIRL

Some like a girl
Blessed with a certain glamour
Some like a girl
Who uses proper grammar
Some just want one
That bangs like a hammer

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 3

When no undies you are wearing
You think yourself quite daring
Excersizing your Joie de vivre
As you wander wild and free
And it’s so exciting for me to think
Of fresh air blowing around your mink


YOU ARE A GIRL

You are a girl
Who attracts and enamours
You may not mean to
But still every man clamours
For the opportunity
To get in your jammers

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 4

When no undies you are wearing
Your undercarriage gets an airing
And I will not look on in disgust
Should your skirt be lifted by a gust
When the wind gets a little brisker
And all and sundry see some whisker
I shall be the one who stood and leered
At your well aerated little beard

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?

Are you wearing a bra?
It doesn’t look as if you are
I think underneath your shirt
Your breasts are free and pert
And clearly if they are
Then you don’t need to wear a bra

ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing underwear?
Or are you naked under there
Have you gone commando?
Oh I really do hope that’s so
I like to think you are bare
Walking around sans underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a body stocking?
Something chic, sheer and shocking
Sexy all in one and figure hugger
I bet your bum still looks like a mugger

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK?

Are you wearing black?
Yes it’s a funeral I know
But underneath the garb
Is that all black also?

No, it’s not irreverent
Picturing you in lacy black
There was no bigger letch
Than your dead uncle Jack

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING?

Are you wearing anything?
When you hear the phone ring
And do you reach for a negligee
Or are you comfortable that way
I know that when I give you a call
I want you to wear nothing at all
So when next you hear it ring
Please don’t be wearing anything

ARE YOU WEARING LONG UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing long underwear?
Something with its own trap door
Well no matter how good they look on you
I’d like to see them on my bedroom floor

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING AT ALL?

Are you wearing anything at all?
When you make a phone call
From your big desk in the study
Do you sit there in the nuddy
I certainly pictured you that way
When you called me the other day

ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

Are you wearing pants?
And if you are, are they brief
Or thongs with high cut leg
That barely covers your underneath

ARE YOU WEARING SILK?

Are you wearing silk?
Against your luscious skin
Beneath that pretty dress
Are you dressed for sin?
Garments of sensual silk
How I crave to be within

ARE YOU WEARING SILK, SATIN OR LACE?

Are you wearing silk?
Or perhaps satin and lace
Or maybe you’re wearing nothing
If so you are a disgrace
You’re not wearing any, are you?
I can tell by that blush on your face
I doubt anyone else would suspect
With not a hair out of place
No one would suspect
With that innocent look on your face
But I know you are a commando girl
And I want to share in your disgrace

ARE YOU WEARING LACE?

Are you wearing lace?
To decorates that place
I can’t tell from your face
There is no hint or trace
I think black lace does grace
Your fine pert brace
Oh my thoughts are base
And that image I can’t erase
Of the garments of lace
That cover and encase

ARE YOU WEARING BIG KNICKERS?

Are you wearing big knickers?
Those good old fashioned drawers
That cover everything that matters
But are still the source of phwors

ARE YOU WEARING A VEST?

Are you wearing a vest?
Fitting snugly to your chest
Well it’s about your vests cosy fit,
I’d like to come twixt you and it

ARE YOU WEARING JUST A SMILE?

Are you wearing just a smile?
Beneath your uniform all the while
Though outwardly well uniformed
You stand there unadorned
Beneath your starchy exterior
You are naked front and rear
Nurse, nurse check my breeches
I’m about to pop my stitches

ARE YOU WEARING A BASQUE?

Are you wearing a Basque?
Is it a black one may I ask
Do you have a matching mask
And will you take me to task

ARE YOU WEARING TIGHTS?

Are you wearing tights?
Or do you call them Pantyhose?
Maybe later I will find out
We’ll have to see how it goes

ARE YOU WEARING ANY UNDIES?

Are you wearing any undies?
Beneath your Christmas gear
You had them when you left the house
Perhaps you should explain my dear

ARE YOU WEARING THERMALS?

Are you wearing thermals?
To keep all your bits nice and cosy
Fitting from neck and wrists
All the way down to your toesies
I’m sure it’s a sight worth seeing
I wouldn’t mind a good nosy

ARE YOU WEARING SUSPENDERS?

Are you wearing suspenders?
One of my favourite seven wonders
That miracle of engineering
Both practical and endearing
Oh what a ransom I would pay
If you would kindly see your way
To show the smallest glimpse of thigh
That would be most pleasing to my eye

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI KNICKERS?

Are you wearing cami knickers?
Why does that provoke snickers?
I like the roomy French lingerie
Are you wearing them Môn Cheri?
Oh how they elegantly flatter
And the colour doesn’t even matter
I don’t care if they’re silk or cotton
But tell me that you have them on

ARE YOU WEARING POP SOCKS?

Are you wearing pop socks?
The thought of it really rankles
Those little black stocking socks
Cutting into your chubby ankles

ARE YOU WEARING A SHEEPDOG BRA?

Are you wearing a sheepdog bra?
Don’t answer I can see that you are
Because the rounded up confections
Are pointed in the right direction

ARE YOU WEARING A TEDDY?

Are you wearing a teddy?
Does that mean you’re ready?
For a spot of bedroom play
If you are you just have to say
Please tell me that you are
Awaiting me in your boudoir

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARTERS?

Are you wearing sexy garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 219

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
But the rest of the rhyme
I can never remember

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 220

A farmer went trotting
Upon his grey mare,
Bumpety, bumpety, bump!
With his daughter behind him
So buxom and fair,
BUMPETY, BUMPETY, BUMP!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 221

Cackle, cackle, Mother Goose,
Have you any feathers loose?
Of course I have you silly fellow,
They’ve been plucking me for a pillow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 222

Cross Patch, draw the latch,
Sit by the fire and spin;
Fill a cup, and drink it up,
And don’t let your neighbours in.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 223

Little Nancy Etticote,
In a white petticoat,
And long knickers;
She said she’d show him
For a bite of his Snickers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 224

Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
How he does miss you so
But plenty of men in the port
And not the sentimental sort
Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
She really doesn’t miss you so

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 225

There was an old woman
Called nothing-at-all,
Which made it quite difficult
To get her a passport

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 226

There was an old woman,
As I've heard tell,
She went to market
With Her eggs to sell;

She went to market
All on a very hot day,
And the eggs were spoiled
So she couldn’t give them away

FIFA

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand

Financially
Incongruous
Finagling
Acquiescence

Guardians of the game,
Well respected,
Famed for their integrity
Their stewardship and
Honest endeavour

On the other hand

Few
In
Football
Agree

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They actually think

Football
Is interesting
For
About a minute

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand
They are

First
In
For
All the dosh

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They are:

Frauds
Interested in
Football
A little