ON THE SEXY SIDE

KNIGHT’S FAVOUR

I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy

FEELING A BIT GINGER

There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity

She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?

But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go

THE COMMANDO WIFE

George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"

TEMPORARY AFFLICTION

I have a stack of work to do
With deadlines to meet too
So much work I can’t get into
Because I just sit and stare at Sue

Sue is the new temporary
And she’s got me quite contrary
The last temp was very scary
Not to mention rather hairy

But Sue is such a rare beauty
Down to earth not at all snooty
But it’s hard to fulfil my duty
When I think of Sue getting fruity

AIMING TO HIGH

I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower

DESPERATELY SEEKING

She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend

But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well

A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP

I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught

BRIDAL DESIRE

Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought

Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent

It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital

But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace

FOOTBALL

ALADIN’S WISH

Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear

"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”

“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”

“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"

DRESSING UP

They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away

When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside

But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend

They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress

ON THE FUNNY SIDE

THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS

I was one of the baby boomers
And we were raised differently
The subsequent generations
Have developed much more selfishly
They are the falsetto generations
Because they always go me me me

SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be expensive
Play new swear word Scrabble
It’s a simple game not for the pensive
All words must be in common usage
And should be genuinely offensive

NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS

No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air



MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE

I miss Wake Up to Wogan
I miss the old camuggian
Wogan was the class, but alas
He’s been replaced by the brash

How did Chris Evans get the job?
That I can only surmise
But it’s like the Krankies
Replacing Morecambe and Wise

UNFORGETTABLE

He was such a forgetful man
He was like the absent minded professor
Unfortunately he was so forgetful
That he forgot to become a professor

SEXING FLIES

Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper

"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can;
The other two were on the phone"

A SPIRITUAL WALK

MALACHI’S WORDS

I sat by her bedside
As she lay motionless
Cruelly aware of her incarceration
Trapped inside a broken body
Unable to move
Unable to speak
A mere shadow of what once was
And in my black despair
I prayed for her
And I heard Malachi’s words
So I prayed for her release
So she would awake with the Lord
And burst forth from her stall
Like a young calf in springtime

FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to forgive
But we are taught we must
To be a good Christian
We must first forgive others
Before God can forgive us
But I find it hard to forgive
I cannot let go the bitterness
Or it’s associated baggage
The betrayal of those I thought friends
The deceit of family
The put downs and the knocks
The adversities and animosities
I cannot make that commitment to forgive
All I can do is promise to try
Try to climb that ladder of forgiveness
One painful rung at a time
And if I do succeed
In becoming a better person
A more forgiving person
If I manage to slowly climb the ladder
And earn Gods forgiveness
I will only do so with His grace
And not by some sweaty effort on my part

ANGELS OF THE CHOIR

Angels of the choir
Is this the sound of heaven?
Such sweet emanations’
Heaven sings out
Each note
Plucks at my heart
Lifts my soul
Then elevates me
Carrying me away
On a choral wave
Of sweet rapture
Then upon the final note
Of purest clarity
I return to earth

THANK YOU

Thank you for the morning
For the new day dawning
Thank you for the dawn chorus
Refreshing and delighting us
Thank you lord for another day
And for tomorrow if I may

HEATH MATTERS

DRASTIC SURGERY

People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic

IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND

Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods
As they try to turn back the clock
I think plastic surgery is nonsense
Trying to hold back the ravages of time
By nipping and tucking
And implanting and enhancing
It is an exercise in futility
People who have face lifts
Don’t look younger
Just permanently surprised
The medical profession
By trying to preserve aging flesh
Is approaching the problem
From the wrong direction
Would it not be better?
To transplant the brain
Of a mature man or woman
Into the body of a vacuous teenager
Then you could have fabulous sex
Followed by great conversation

NATURE

PADEMELON (SMALL WALLABY)

You’ll find the Pademelon
Beneath the rainforest trees
As they hop in search of food
In the cool of the evening breeze

TROGON

In the rain forests the Trogon dwells
Eating insects, fruit and seeds
A bird with the most lustrous plumage
Nesting in holes in the trees
Brilliant and dazzling with their long tails
A truly beautiful sight to see

A WORKING LIFE

INDISPENSABILITY

You think you are an important employee
You think to yourself “they can’t replace me”
Indispensability is in your frame of mind
Always on hand, one of the reliable kind
You never take vacations your work is your life
You work every weekend no time for a wife
There is more to life than work, no don’t scoff
Work is a means to an end, take some time off
You may think you are indispensible but you’re not
You think your contribution will never be forgot
But the thing that you will find most incredible
Is that the graveyard is full of the indispensible

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

All work and no play
Makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play
Makes a life without joy

Don’t live to work
Take time for leisure
You should work to live
Life should be a pleasure

You don’t have to work
Every hour that God sends
Spend precious time
With family and friends

Don’t work all the time Jack
Get this into your head
You’re only alive for a short time
But you’re a long time dead