THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

GO FOURTH

Who will finish fourth?
Will it be Liverpool?
Who stake their claim?
Or will Aston Villa rule
Who will stand tall?
Will it be Man City?
That win the prize
Or will Spurs be sitting pretty
Who will go forth?
Into the Champions League
To dine at the top table
Who of these wannabes

Liverpool were last the champions
More than 20 years ago
Aston villa weren’t crowned
For 30 years or so
Its more than 40 years
Since Man City won
And Spurs were last the winners
In 1961

But the Champion’s League beckons
For these wannabes
These trophy less also ran’s
How can that be?

ALL IN THE GAME

Shaven headed barbarians
And tattooed savages
Strut with preening peacocks
In performing their pantomime
While their vengeful tribes
With banners held high
Chant their rhythmic cacophony
Faces distorted with hate

On the field of honour
They grapple and kick
They push and pull
They dive and roll
Assault and assail
Connive and cheat

In unforgiving onslaughts
They perform for baying hordes
A vile and brutal spectacle
Always referred to
As the beautiful game

MUMMY’S BOYS

I long since came to terms
Since John Barnes set the trend
With footballers wearing gloves
To keep their little pandies warm
I am less understanding
Of players taking to the field
With tights beneath their shorts
But it seems I must accept it
But the line has to be drawn somewhere
And that line was crossed
This very weekend
I was shocked beyond belief
To see a player take to the field of play
Wearing a muffler about his neck

FOOTBALL

There are many differences
Between Rugby and football
Rules, number of players, ball shape
Goal posts, pitch markings, duration
And so on and so forth
It was once said that football
Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffians
And Rugby a ruffians game played by gentleman
Not quite as true as it used to be
But still not far off the mark
I’ve even heard it said
That Football is played by children
And Rugby by grownups
But for me the difference
Can best be defined in this way
A Footballer spends 90 minutes
Pretending to be injured
While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes
Pretending that he is not

BLATTER’S FOLLY

Everyone wants a video ref in the game
There are no dissenting voices I can name
Fans shout their support and managers want it
Players are in favour and even the refs want it
Because it is a change that really matters
Everybody want its except Mr Blatter

UEFA CHAMPIONS GREED

I hate the Champion’s League
On so many levels
I hate it because it’s a competition
Devised by money grubbing devils

I hate it because you have to enter it
Because that is where the money is found
Money to lure the pampered prima donnas
To your particular ground

I hate it because it is ceded
So the best teams are always on view
So that UEFA can optimise
Their television revenue

I hate it because it doesn’t seem to know
What it really wants to be
Is it a knock out competition?
Or the beginnings of the super league

But I hate it most of all
Above all other considerations
Because the European Champions League
Has so few actual champions

Post Script

Well all the above is true
But I regret the overriding reason
That I hate it so passionately is that
We have been knocked out this season

THE NATURAL

As a footballer I must confess
My skills locker is somewhat bereft
I am a naturally two footed player
But unfortunately both of them are left

SPRINGTIME

SPRING

As spring comes around again
With its abundant falling rain
The rolling hills of luscious green
Are most pleasing to be seen
And with the renewal of spring
The heart lifts as if taking wing
When Daffodils break through
And spring flowers of every hue
Is their a better time on earth
To feel wealth of natures worth

REFRESHING SPRING

Refreshing spring
The season of renewal
When nature will release
Her early jewels

THE HIGH MELT

The high melt waters rush
Feeding springs annual event
As over the ancient rock
Water tumbles effervescent
As it heads inexorably to the sea
In its headlong descent

THE HILLSIDES IN MAY

No finer sight the eye will see
Than the hillsides in May
A carpet of green spread out
So as to take your breath away

THE THROWS OF SPRING

Its spring time
When beauty is released
Like a hand stitched
Patchwork masterpiece
Nature shows off
Her spring time finery
Spread like a throw
Over all you see

PUT DOWN's

PUT DOWN # 31

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line to you
Just say to him
"And which dwarf are you?"

PUT DOWN # 32

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line, get in quick
And say "I see you've chosen today
To humiliate yourself in public"

PUT DOWN # 33

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Which will be dumb like as not
Just say to him first
“Hi I know a village that’s looking for and idiot”

PUT DOWN # 34

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If you want a good time” he might say
“Then I’m your man”
Just reply to him "Really?
Then I might as well become a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 35

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If your looking for loving” he might say
“Then I’m definitely your man”
Just reply to him “Sorry, but after meeting you
I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 36

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Sometimes you may have to deflect
The same offender so you can then say
“My God! How many times do I have to flush
Before you’ll finally go away”?

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CALLIOPE (MUSE OF EPIC POETRY)

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CALLIOPE (MUSE OF EPIC POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The first was,
The divine Calliope,
Beautiful-voiced,
Was the muse of the epic poets
A writing tablet in her hand
Calliope was Homer's muse
Inspiration for the Iliad
Divine influence of the Odyssey

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CLIO (MUSE OF HISTORY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The second was,
The divine Clio
The maker of fame,
Was the muse of history
A parchment scroll in her hands
Clio was the proclaimer

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – ERATO (MUSE OF EROTIC POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The third was,
The divine Erato,
Desired and lovely,
Was the muse of the lyric poets
A golden arrow in her hand
Muse of love verse
And of Erotic poetry
Erato the muse who charms the sight
And inspires love in everybody

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – EUTERPE (MUSE OF LYRICAL POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The fourth was,
The divine Euterpe,
Rejoicing well,
Was firstly the muse of music
Then of Lyrical poetry
A double flute in her hand
Euterpe the Giver of delight

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – MELPOMÈNE (MUSE OF TRAGEDY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The fifth was,
The divine Melpomène,
The one that is melodious,
Was firstly the muse of singing
To celebrate with dance and song
Then she became the muse of tragedy
And hid behind a tragic mask
A knife or club in her hand
Creator of beautiful lyrical phrases
Melpomène muse of Horace

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – POLYHYMNIA (MUSE OF HYMNS)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The sixth was,
The divine Polyhymnia,
The one of many hymns,
Was the Muse of sacred poetry and sacred hymns
Of eloquence and pantomime
In her long cloak and classical pose
Polyhymnia was a serious, pensive and meditative muse

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – TERPSICHORE (MUSE OF DANCING)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The seventh was,
The divine Terpsichore,
Delight of dancing,
Muse of choral songs and dance
A lyre in her hand
Accompanies the dancers
Terpsichore muse of dance
Mother of the sirens

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – THALIA (MUSE OF COMEDY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The eighth was,
The divine Thalia,
Flourishing, in bloom,
Was the muse of comedy and idyllic poetry
A comic mask in her hand
The praises of Thalia, rustic goddess
And in her songs flourish through time

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – URANIA (MUSE OF ASTRONOMY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The ninth and final was,
The divine Urania,
Heavenly muse,
Was the muse of astrology
A globe in her hand
Dressed in a cloak embroidered with stars
Urania was reader of the stars

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 121

Mary had a little drink
And got pissed as a cricket
She was found in the woods
Showing the boys her thicket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 122

Mary loved her little lamb
Every single day of course
But most of all on Sunday
With homemade mint sauce

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 123

When I was a bachelor I lived by myself,
but people told me not to get left on the shelf
So I made up my mind and got me a wife
Too late I realised I had surrendered my life

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 124

Cock a doodle doo,
My wife has lost her shoe;
oh what a convenient confidence trick
Just so she can buy some new

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 125

Little Bobby Snooks was fond of his books,
And loved by his mother and father;
But the kind of books, read by Bobby Snooks,
were pornographic in nature

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 126

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
He must be a Liberal Democrat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 127

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But Humpty Dumpty couldn’t fall
Because he had to wear a safety harness

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 128

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But so Humpty Dumpty wouldn’t fall
He was sent by the head of human resource
On a three week health and safety course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 129

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Something to wipe noses"
A-tishue? A-tishue?"
Or if not a hankie

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 130

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
They had the right approach back then
Blow up the bloody lot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 131

Oh, Pillykin, Willykin, Winky Wee!
How does the President take his tea?
He takes it with sugar, he takes it with milk,
He takes it in bed wearing pyjamas of silk

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 132

If all the seas were one sea,
What a great sea that would be!
But if all the seas were one sea,
There’d be nowhere for you and me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 133

I love little pussy,
Now don’t get excited
It’s not that kind of rhyme
That I want to be recited

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 134

Come let's to bed, says Sleepy-head;
Wait a while, says Mo;
Take a blue pill and grab the KY
And we’ll tup before we go.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 135

Corporal TimWas dressed so trim,
He thought them all afraid of him;
But sad to say,The very first day,
We had a fight,He died alright,
For lack of equipment, poor Corporal Tim

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 136

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 138

Sing a song of Sixth Sense
Haley Joel Osment wonders why
He’s followed every where
By that Bruce Willis guy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 137

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With there supply of bottled water
What is it with these bloody ramblers?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 139

Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all have tea.
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Stop pissing about Sukey

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 140

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Oh I hate runny noses
A tissue! A tissue!
No don’t wipe it on your sleeve!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 141

Curly Locks! Curly locks! Wilt thou be mine?
You’ll have to wash the dishes coz I’m a lazy swine
But I’ll lay you on a cushion and hold you in esteem
And I’ll make love too you until I make you scream

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 142

One misty, moisty, morning,
When rainy was the weather,
There I met a young man
All clothed in leather
All clothed in leather,
Fitted as tight as his skin
How do you wear it?
How do you move in it?
And what is that squeaking?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 143

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

They feast and they dine
On stolen food and wine
Then the laughing starts
When Little John farts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 144

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

Maid Marion comes no more
To the camp of the out laws
Since she saw the merry band
Skipping around holding hands

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 145

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.
See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have a pin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 146

See a pin, pick it up
Then you're sure to have good luck,
See a pin, prick yourself
And end up with hepatitis

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 147

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.
See a pin let it lay,
And you wont be lumbered with a pin all day

SAPPHO’S FIRST KISS

When first sweet Sappho
Kissed me, I was shocked
The secret of my sexuality
Was finally unlocked

Sex had always left me cold
With no heat or fire
Now with Sappho’s kiss
I felt the burning desire

This was the first time
I’d felt this way
It never occurred to me
That I might be gay

Her hands fondled me
Inside my open shirt
Then she kissed my breasts
And her hand was up my skirt

My head was swimming
As my nipples felt her lips
Then she pulled my pants down
Over my trembling hips

While she sucked my nipples
And kissed my breasts
I felt the ecstasy
Of Sappho’s pudendal caress

SUNDAY SERVICE

Her dark eyes, sultry and steamy
Flashed a sideward’s glance
From beneath the black lace of her Mantilla
He gave her a browse
A more appraising look altogether
Her eyes flashed up again
A lingering languid glance
Which spoke of her muliebrity
Not the putative girl
They were now the cynosure
Of each others eyes
No words were spoken
Everything was intuit
With amative study
And libidinous perusal
She his object of pulchritude
He her beloved inamorato
Then they had to separate
And the spell was broken
Until next Sundays reunion