DREAM GIRL

When you have admired from afar
Idealising that someone
For so very, very long
You envisage all the special moments
You will share together
In the most incredible detail
Such as when you ask her out
And of course when she says yes,
Holding hands on the first date
And of course the first kiss
You rerun those moments in your head over and over
Endowing them with magical properties
That reality could never hope to match
Reality can never equal fantasy

But comes the day when you summon the courage
And you do ask her out
And she does indeed say yes
Though not in the swept off her feet kind of way
That you had imagined
You do indeed hold hands on the first date
But it feels a little awkward
Like this is not quite what she had in mind
And again doesn’t quite live up to your preconception

Then all too soon we are at her door
We chat uncomfortably
Make small talk and laugh nervously
We say goodnight, then again, and again
Then she reached up and pulled my head towards hers
Then slightly hesitant, our lips met for the first time
A tender kiss gentle and languid
I closed my eyes
As the intensity grew
As it became more fervent
Then ardent led to passionate
Then I surrendered to the moment
And lost my self completely in her embrace

As I walked home alone
The taste of her still on my lips
I conceded that I was correct
When I thought reality could never equal fantasy
Because reality was so much better

THAT DECEITFUL MOUTH

Don’t speak to me with that mouth
That deceitful mouth
Which lies while smiling to my face

Don’t speak through your weak mouth
Too weak to resist temptation
Whose lips kiss in unforgivable betrayal

Don’t speak to me with that mouth
That has embraced another
A mouth full of cheapened kisses

Don’t speak through your weak mouth
Don’t dare to seek to justify
Your unjustifiable infidelities

Don’t speak through that odious mouth
That unspeakable dishonest mouth
Your unclean vessel of elicit fellatio

Don’t with those unfaithful lips
Whose kisses caressed anothers skin
Speak my name in terms of love

Don’t say sorry with that mouth
Don’t contaminate my ears
With platitudes and insincerity

Speak to me with that insidious mouth
That foul and deceitful mouth
Only to utter a final goodbye

SNOW WHITE AND THE EIGHT DWARFS

Snow Whites wicked step mother
Was the Queen and a bit of a vamp
And often known to use her allure
On the men at the soldiers camp

She was jealous of Snow White
With her youth and innocent beauty
Feeling she might distract
The soldiers from doing their duty

So she had the woodsman take her
To the great forest and with his axe
The Queen had instructed him
To give her several whacks

But he could not kill the beautiful girl
So he told her to run and hide
And never return to the castle
It was in the forest she must abide

So she ran deep into the woods
And just as she was feeling tired
She came upon a little cottage
Which she very much admired

So she knocked on the little door
And a pompous dwarf opened it
“I’m looking for somewhere to stay
Could I stay with you for a bit?”

Prof said, she could stay for one night
Providing she helped with the chores
But she could stay for as long as she liked
In exchange for her sexual favours

Snow White thought for a moment
About the Profs indecent proposal
She decided that it suited her very well
As she did like a little cock after all

So they all had a go on Snow White
Prof was first then Blusher and Misery
They woke up Narcolepsy for his turn
Then Allergy, Cheerful and Divvy

She was a little disappointed with the sex
Not coming always made her grumpy
But then the eighth dwarf turned up
And this ones name was stumpy

THE GIRL ON THE BUS

I climbed the stairs
To the top deck
Then I found a seat
And sat
Then I heard a voice say “hi”
It was soft and gently spoken
I turned towards the voice
Which emanated from a girl
With the warmest smile
And her red hair ablaze
In the morning sun
And with her head slightly inclined
She said again “hi”
That’s all
Just “hi”
And with that simple word
Came her smiling eyes
Beneath her blazing hair
And a radiant glow
And a feeling came over me
A peaceful warm feeling
As warm as her smile
Then all at once
I felt so at ease
As if I had known her forever
Though I had seen her only once before
And did not think she had seen me
All she said was “hi”
But her tone spoke volumes
I returned her smile
And tamely said “hello”
I wanted to say so much more
She smiled again
This time with the heat
To match her flaming locks
I needed no words
As with that wondrous smile
All my questions were answered

SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

It’s that time of the year once more
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history

But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity

Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers

“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap

Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do

Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime

THREE SEASONS IN A WEEK

It was a bracing walk
The sun shone brightly on the lake,
A weak autumnal sun,
Bright but un-warming
And a light wind stirred the branches
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
And added to the chill
The familiar pair of resident ducks
Bobbed on the choppy surface
Seemingly oblivious to the cold
Mist on the distant mountains
Hinted at what was to come
By the time I pushed open my front gate
I was suitably refreshed
And glad to be home

That night the storm hit
A storm that began as a hurricane
Far out across the ocean
Then as it hit the land
It was merely a tropical storm
When it got to us it was just a storm
But what a storm it was
Thick black clouds turning day to night
It rained and promised to rain even more
Inches and inches of rain
Large gray drops ran down the bare trees
And splashed on the grey waters of the lake
Bouncing off the green and brown backs
Of the resilient swimming ducks
The Hurricanes remnants
Took three days to pass
And left the lake considerable deeper
.
In the calm after the storm
We basked in the warmth
Of a bonus summers like day
Left in the tropical storms wake
The two ducks swam lazily across the still water
Bees were out looking for flowers
Ants crawled around in the grass,
Adding to their winter stock of food.
And squirrels chattered away
As they searched for acorns and pine nuts
And ran amongst the shadows
Of the dogwood trees
A blue heron flew to the very top
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
Doubtless lost in the storm
It spent the day recharging its batteries
And getting its bearings
Later it joined the ducks on the water
Obviously to ask directions

The next day summer had gone again
And autumn had returned
The day began with an overcast sky and chilly breeze
Later as I walked for a while beside the lake
It had become a warm and sunny day.
Warm of course, is a relative term
It was above freezing, just
The sun was bright; the wind light but cold
All was silent, the waters calm
A duck slept in the shadow
Of the leafless weeping cherry
The other was close by but silent
And the blue heron was perched,
Motionless, on the top of the bare dogwood
Before it launched itself
And after circling the lake once it was on its way
The squirrels were hiding
I saw no bees searching for flowers
And the ants were out of sight

Winter arrived yesterday
With heavy snow falling in the morning
Then the skies cleared
And the temperature plummeted
Today the landscape wass even more beautiful
And the lake was frozen
The ducks were no where to be seen
I don’t know where they go
But they always come back
The ground is crisp under foot
And it is very very cold
The squirrels were the only creatures I saw
And they were happily raiding their stores
Feasting on acorns and chasing around
I decided it was too cold for me
And headed for the fireside
To reflect on this week’s abundance of seasons