Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”
Thursday, 26 November 2009
WHO’S THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?
The song of the supporters pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
Monday, 2 November 2009
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
# 76
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls
# 77
Horsey, horsey will you stopJust stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells
# 78
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a CAnd Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ
# 79
The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again
# 80
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache
# 81
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”
# 82
Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls
# 77
Horsey, horsey will you stopJust stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells
# 78
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a CAnd Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ
# 79
The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again
# 80
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache
# 81
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”
# 82
Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese
SWEETHEARTS
Put you trust in me my love
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time
LOTHARIO
Just let me gaze into your eyes
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised
TECHNICAL TIP
This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!
WANT
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist
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