JIMBO

I got a new dog from Battersea
And I have called him Jimbo
I now take him to obedience classes
Where they walk us too and fro

But when he should be at heel
Jimbo almost always runs away
And then he comes bounding back
When he is supposed to sit and stay

Then when he’s walking on the lead
I have to pull young Jimbo back
Or he’s round and round my feet
Until I end up lying on my back

We’ve stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face

DARWINS DESIGN

There is, today, a fierce debate
Well in America at any rate
Darwinism is again causing friction
Some claim his work to be a fiction
And his “Origin of the Species”
Is likened to a pile of fetid faeces
Fossil evidence has caused the strife
Showing Random explosions of life
Evolution was not a gradual change
Thoughts we now must rearrange
Its not at all as Charles Darwin said
But Intelligent Design instead

FACETS OF FAITH

KING OF LOVE

The king of kings lord in heaven above
Holds the power in His kingdom of love
Not love of power but the power of love

HE IS

He is the earth
The wind and the fire
He is the sun
That rises in the east
And sets in the west
He is the tree in bud
And the mare in foal
He is the rain that gently falls
He is the birdsong
And the cockcrow
He is the staff of life
He is the Son of God
The prince of peace

THERE

You are there
When I face adversity
And in times of conflict
When I encounter trajedy or loss
You are there
When I experience joy
And at times of happiness
When I feel pride and count my blessings
You were there
When my children entered the world
And at their baptisms
When they married and when loved ones passed
You are always there
Dear lord

PRAYER

I pray to my god
When my heart is full
And when it is empty
When I just need to speak
And when I need an answer
When I have joy to share
And when at my lowest
I pray to my god
Who always listens?

AN UNDERSTANDING GOD

God didn’t say
You must circumcise your children
God didn’t say
You can have ten wives
God didn’t say
You mustn’t use a condom
God didn’t say
You must pray five times a day
God didn’t say
My priests cant marry
God didn’t say
Woman must be covered at all times
God didn’t say
You cannot divorce
God didn’t say
Divorcees cannot remarry in church
God didn’t say
You must remove your shoes in my house
God didn’t say
You must kill the infidel
God didn’t say
There is only one church
God didn’t say
You must ritually wash your feet
Man said these things
These rules were made by men

A GOOD CHRISTIAN

Dorothy spinster of this parish
With her sister taught Sunday school
For over fifty years
Both good Methodists and good Christians
Their lives dedicated to the church
To ensure the future of their church
Dorothy left a large bequest to the church
The church sought to honor a good woman
And dedicated in her name
A room within the church
For ever to be named after her

GOD AND SCIENCE

I believe in God
I believe him to be the creator
The creator of heaven and earth
Of the stars and the planets
I believe him to be the creator of the universe
The scientific community
Talk of the big bang
Which sparked off the creation of the universe
They call God a myth
And his creation a myth
Science of course call it the big bang theory
Theory being science speak for a guess
Or put another way a belief
They can no more prove their belief
Than I can prove the existence of God
For all there contempt for belief systems
They are locked in one of their own making
I have faith in the creation
But if there was a big bang
Then God pressed the button

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF FAITH

WISE CONFUCIUS

Wise Confucius spoke about his creed
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead
Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow
Do not walk near me or step in my zone
So just bugger off and leave me alone

THE ASTI

I think I am no ordinary man
Which begins my monologue
I am Dyslexic and an Atheist
But to complete my catalogue
Now I am an Insomniac as well
And I no longer sleep like a log
Instead I now lie awake at night
Wondering if there really is a Dog

OH GOD A WOMAN

I think God must be a Woman
I feel that this I must confide
For a Man would never have put
The male genitals on the outside

SAVED

The Salvation Army tries to perform
The thankless task of social reform
Treading the weary path to glory
Saving poor girls from Iniquity

If they are saving fallen women
I’ve just one thing to say then
When saving girls from Iniquity
Save the red headed one for me

WHY AM I HERE?

If it's true as the Church tells us so
That we are here to help others galore
Then perhaps the Church could tell me
What exactly the others are here for?

THE ANCIENT ART OF HAPPINESS

My Feng Shui man isn’t very happy
Unless the signs I have misread
But I don’t believe for a second
It’s anything that I have done or said
I think it’s the more likely that he
Got up on the wrong side of the bed

ETERNITY

An atheist was arguing
With holy men
And questioning the existence
Of heaven
One holy man said
That if you are precise
And there is no afterlife
Or any paradise
Its not like you’ll be able
To tell anyone
But if we are right
Then your fucked son

THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS

A man was walking one night
Down a lane without a light
Thinking that he heard a sound
The man then turned around
Someone jumped him suddenly
And assaulted him violently
Badly beaten and then robbed
He lay in the road and sobbed
Injured for many hours he lay
Many people had passed his way
Only one stopped, not to assist
To take his watch off his wrist
Hours later came a Samaritan
A social worker name of Stan
He was greatly shocked to see
Deeds committed by humanity
“Whoever hit you on the head
Really needs some help,” he said

UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS

The puritans have acted radically
By banning fornicating vertically
Only missionary style resembling
No table ending or knee trembling
What made them take the measure?
To restrict to horizontal pleasure
The theory that they are advancing
Is that the act may lead to dancing

I DON’T BELIEVE IT

The problem is when faith is lost
It isn’t that we believe in nothing
But rather the opposite is true
We start to believe in anything

OUR SARAH

A three-year-old called Sarah
Was reciting the lords prayer
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven
Harold is His name Amen."

FATHER, SON &

A Sunday school teacher asked her class,
"What was the name of Jesus' mother?"
One little child answered proudly "Mary"
The teacher said, “well done very clever”
The teacher then asked another question
"What was the name of Jesus' father?"
A boy called Terry answered "it’s Verge"
the teacher was Confused at the answer
She said, “that’s not the right answer”
Where did you get verge from Terry?"
The boy said, "Well you know everyone
Is always talking about Verge n' Mary

DEAR LORD

As to the lord God he was praying
A little boy was overheard saying
By his auntie Irene and Uncle Roy
“If you can’t make me a better boy
Please don't worry about it then
I'm having a good time as I Am." amen

CHILDISH PRAYER

When I was a boy I prayed to god
For a new bike for me
Than I realized that god
Doesn’t work like that you see
So I stole one instead
And asked him to forgive me

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 1

I laugh in the face of quiz shows
With their supercilious so and so’s
I scoff at the “Mastermind” chair
And “Who wants to be a millionaire”
I spit on Ken Bruce’s “Pop Master”
The “Brain of Britain” or “The Krypton factor”
The only quiz worthy of its name
Is the excellent “Keithy’s guessing game”

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2

Keithy’s guessing game
Is full of gems and jewela
Questions on music trivia
Set to expose the fools
My only complaint, is that he
Keeps changing the bloody rules

Keith is a guy that I work with and he entertains us with his amusing daily quiz, Keithy’s guessing game
It’s predominantly a music quiz but invariably branches off into other areas.

A Good Chuckle

PUT DOWN # 8

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”

PUT DOWN # 9

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist

PUT DOWN # 10

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”

PUT DOWN # 11

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”

BELLA DONNA

I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela

If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela

PUT DOWN # 12

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”

PUT DOWN # 13

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”

PUT DOWN # 14

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”

PUT DOWN # 15

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”

A NEW BROOM

Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her

PUT DOWN # 16

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?

PUT DOWN # 17

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”

LONG LIFE

“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”

PUT DOWN # 18

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?

PUT DOWN # 19

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty

But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger

PUT DOWN # 20

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”

PUT DOWN # 21

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)

My dad told me“
Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”

PUT DOWN # 22

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””

PUT DOWN # 23

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”

PUT DOWN # 24

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”

CRIME WATCH

To reduce rising crime
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat

Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV

But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain