GET A GRIP

It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”

Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”

PICKING FROM THE MENU

Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver

So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again

Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight

As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the fucking musical

EVEN MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23

One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamberthere I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,The cow jumped over the moon.We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27
Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28

Doctor FosterWent to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clockThe clock’s struck dumbThe batteries run downUseless bloody clock

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31

London Bridge is falling down,Falling down, falling down,And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,Tuesdays child is full of pride,Wednesdays child is fighting fit,Thursdays child is full of shit,Fridays child gets out of its brain,Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffetEating her curds and whey,Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned herAnd horny Miss Muffet said ok

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34

Old Mother HubbardWent to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some breadWhen she got thereThe cupboard was bareSo she ate the doggie instead.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,One named Peter, one named Paul.Fly away Peter, away said Paul,Don’t come back, this is my wall!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fatHis wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT

Each morning, we stood at the bus stop
Not together, but in proximity
Day after day, week after week
I would glance at her in admiration
But I would never speak to her
There would be an occasional nod
And sometimes a smile
I would have liked to ask her out
I had almost done so many times
But my nerve would always go
So often I formed the question in my head
But the words wouldn’t come out
I always steeled myself
For the big moment, but it never happened
Then one day
When she looked particularly alluring
I thought to myself
This time will be different
This time I have rehearsed,
Though only on the cat,
This time I will do it.
So armed with a well constructed sentence
I made my move
I took a deep breath
Turned to face her,
The sentence looping through my head
Over and over
I opened my mouth to speak
But the sentence did not appear
Instead jumbled words tumbled out
From my anxiously dry mouth,
But not in the order I intended
Some words inappropriately joined together
Giving an all together different meaning
That may have caused her to be offended
It had gone better with the cat.
I just stood there
Spouting my nervous stuttering gibberish
I thought she must think me such an idiot
And fully expected her to laugh in my face
But instead she smiled at my nervousness
And reformed the words into a sentence,
The very sentence I had rehearsed,
Spoke it back to me
And then smiling broadly, answered yes

DANCE FOR ME THAT DANCE

Dance for me that dance
The one of ancient rhythm
Dance it to my whim
Like a primordial organism

Dance for me that dance
Laid back like the limbo
Hips grinding and gyrating
With your legs akimbo

Dance for me that dance
Dance it like a beast
Feel the animal rhythm
Feel the sensual beat

Sing for me that song
The one of ancient language
Guttural and savage
Like a beast in a cage

Dance for me that dance
Dance it to my rhythm
And as the music ends
Sing to me your orgasm

FOUR SEASONS

First love gave me springtime
And invigorated my life
It was summer in my heart
When you became my wife
Then in our autumn years
You were taken from my side
Now with my bitter loneliness
It’s in the winter that I reside