HIS PERFECT WOMAN

According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A CELLIST

There's something about a cellist
That really turns me on
A female cellist obviously
In a low cut evening dress
Of emerald green velvet
The great polished instrument
Between her long black stockined legs
Her long brunette hair
Dancing across her naked shoulders
Brushing her alabaster skin
In frantic rhythm to her playing
As she delivers her rendition
To a largely disinterested audience
Sat in the lavish surroundings
Of a grand hotel lobby
A pale willowy figure called Deidre
Purposefully thrashing out a piece by Elgar
Or playing some uplifting Vivaldi
Maybe some Mesmeric Schubert
Or music to slash your wrists by
Courtesy of Mahler or Wagner
The music itself is unimportant
Ok its not cellists that turns me on
But there's something about Deidre
That definitely does
When she's playing the cello

THE NAKED TRUTH (1)

Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied

THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

As a school kid
It was cider first
Then as a student
Wine came second
Then as a worker
The vodka came third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Out every night
Drinking trebles
Never slowing down
Even seeing double
They never slow down
Never have a single

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Before breakfast
One eye opener
Mid morning at the office
Two snifters in the loo
A liquid lunchtime
Three large ones do it

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

The lost weekends
Come first
Then the tremours
Follow a close second
Cirrhosis of the liver
Takes its place in third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

I’m only a social drinker
The first denial
I can stop if I want too
The second denial
I’m in control of the drink
The third denial

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

In a gutter covered in vomit
Not for the first time
Coming round in casualty
More than the second time
Surrounded by medics
No way back the third time

It stops there

A NOTIONAL MOTION

Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?

COMPLIMENTARY MEMBERSHIP

It was early morning
The sun was barely up
I knew because I saw it rise
I had lain in the darkness
Awake and aware for hours
Unable to sleep
Uneasy in my mind
Fearful of what maybe
Helpless in the face of events
Powerless to influence them
Just too far away
A continent away
Then I saw darkness slip into gloom
Then from gloom to glory
And in that glorious dawn light
I listened to world awaken
With all the sounds of first light
The chirruping birds
Of the dawn chorus
A milk float on its way
Clinking and rattling
Joe next door heading for work
Early turn this week
Then so I didn’t want to hear
The sound I was dreading
Beside me on the night stand
The telephone rang
A numbing fear gripped me
And for a moment I was frozen
Unable to move
Powerless to answer it
It’s never good news
Not at the crack of dawn
Good news always waits
Until a decent hour
When the telling of it can be savoured
And the listening appreciated
Good news was delivered with coffee
And consumed with tea
Good news did not come
With the breaking day and the dawn chorus
Only bad news came so early
Bad news never waited
There was no reason to wait
Bad news had no good time
It just had to be delivered
The phone rang again
And the fear released its grip on me
And I picked up the phone
The conversation was short
Its contents concise
It was the news I was expecting
Dreading, fearing
It was confirmed
I was now a member of the club
Sadly not an exclusive group
Quite indiscriminate in its selection
A club few wanted to join
But whose ranks are unshrinking
I had friends in the club
My wife was even a member
As was my boss
There was no shame in it
No social stigma
But I would have given anything
To have been excluded
To be denied admittance
To have my enrolment
Delayed for 10 or 20 years
Or even a few precious days
Just one short day, not even a whole day
Just a few hours over my travelling time
This is not an uncommon reaction
I am reliably informed
To resist membership
It’s not a club you want to join
After all no one chooses to join
The dead Dads club

CRASH LOCATION

On the M25 just beyond Dartford
She lost control of her car and crashed
Hitting the barrier with great force
Then came rest with the car smashed
It happened close to where she lived
She was nearly home, not far to go
But she sat trapped in her crumpled car
Covered in blood from head to toe
The paramedic attending the crash
Examined her as a matter of urgency
But apart from the blood covering her
He was at a loss to find any injury
“Where are you bleeding from?”
He asked the girl in the battered Ford
Slightly annoyed the girl responded
“I’m from bleeding Romford”