A Humourous Selection # 3

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

The naughty Toad in the hole
And his friend Guacamole
Along with Ratatouille
Thought Badger quite chewy

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot
At first I was a little alarmed
But after I thought about it
My apprehension calmed

And I laughed at my foolishness
I felt silly, oh what a lark
After all it’s not as if
She will have to parallel park

SCRABBLED

After a scrabble marathon,
Hundreds of games back to back,
Tony Blair now feels vindicated
He finally found WMD in a rack

PICTURE HOUSE MODE

Bimbette and Peaches
Plus seventeen friends
All went to the cinema

At the booking office
The girl enquired
“Blimey why so many of yer?”

Bimbette said in reply
“Coz the advert says
18 or over."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing
Thanks coz now my pee is stinging
I wish I’d gone with out it, I say in all honesty
What would life be?
Without an itch or a rash what are we?
So I say thank you for your favours
For giving them to me

So I Say
Thank you for that infection
For giving it to me...

Sung to the tune of “Thank you for the music” by ABBA

WHAT I SAW OF MY COUSIN

I pushed open the bathroom door
And there before me stood
My young cousin towelling off
So I looked away as soon as I could

I quickly told her I was sorry and
I saw nothing which wasn’t quite true
I did see her ample breasts
But didn’t see a nipple or two

I often recall that morning
Being a man of simple pleasures
When I got to see her chest
But didn’t glimpse her treasures

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk
And the endless night time wee’s
Would you like anti-diuretic wine?
Then the Pinot More should please

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

The shepherd lad called shep,
Though that was a Sobriquet,
Watched over his ragged flock
As he sat playing his flageolet

So enchanting was the melody
Played on his small fipple flute
It mesmerised the watching wolf
Making him easier to shoot

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am.
Like the proverbial racehorse
And I evacuate my bowels
30 minutes later in force
Which would be perfect
If by then I was awake of course

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend

ARE YOU WEARING? # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

Are you wearing woolly tights?
That’s one of my favourite sights
As the evenings begin to shorten
Well as they say winter draws on

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes?
And substantial winter tights
What a wonderful combination
I can’t express how that delights
How comfortably cosy you will be
On the long cold winter nights

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?
God that must really annoy
When people keep telling you that
It makes you look like a boy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

Are you wearing a tattoo?
It’s very appropriate for you
But the meaning might not please
As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

Are you wearing combinations?
I must say with total resignation
It’s not the sexiest underwear
For you to be wearing under there

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail?
Don’t you think that look is stale?
Even at its most dizzy height
That look never looked quite right

So what were you thinking?
When you decided to have it done
It’s not appropriate for you
Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk?
I thought you’d been to work
But you decided you would shirk
With that good looking clerk
Brilliant so I get to look a berk
While you get to wear a smirk

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

Are you wearing a leer?
That’s out of order I fear
You are lustfully gazing
At the young and amazing
With lascivious thoughts
Ogling good looking sorts
Well only one of us can spy
And that letch is I

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

Are you wearing a hat?
What’s the point of that?
It’s often been said
You have an unsuitable head
And not just for millinery
It’s a little bit scary
And the hat doesn’t help
You made that boy yelp
So take off the hat
And that will be that
The hat will be gone
And the bag put back on

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

Are you wearing tweeds?
Well that certainly exceeds
Your rather arousing apparel
Really brings out the feral
Complimented by stout hardy shoes
In my own Victorian views
And I wouldn’t knock
Some good country stock
Let me help you over this stile
As I think all the while
How to best meet my needs
Of getting inside your tweeds

The Love Selection # 2

CONDITIONAL LOVE

You must be devoted,
Kind and true
Willing to give of yourself
If all this you can do
Then without reservation
I will love you

ETERNAL LOVE?

Eternal love?
Love that lasts
Forever more
Not this side
Of heavens door
That was my opinion
Well heretofore
Then I met you
And now I’m not so sure

ONCE INSIDE MY HEART

Once inside my heart
You’ll find it bleak and stark
For love has been defeated
And sits lonely in the dark
No colours exist here
Only shades of grey
But if you can endure
You could show me the way
And lead me from the dark
And back into the day

SEE A RAINBOW?

The door to my heart
Is always open to loves light
My essence is a rainbow
A spectrum of bright hues
But if you can only see
In shades of monochrome
The door to my heart
Remains closed to you

DESCENT FROM CLOUD NINE

You were joyful, everything was fine
You were content, sitting on cloud nine
Then things sharply turned
And you ended up getting burned
You took your eye off the ball
And took your devastating fall
You thought as life was good for you
That everything was for me too
I know that for you it was for life
But I’m not content to be your wife
I need more

LONG TIME FRIEND

For so long you have been my friend
But you've grown nearer to my heart,
And now I want our friendship to end
And the longed for love affair to start

I DON’T LIKE REPETITION

I don’t like repetition
But I will never complain,
When you tell me you love me
Again and again.

A COMFORTER

A comforter is a form of bedding
The modern example is a duvet
Or perhaps a continental quilt,
An eiderdown is best so they say
But I think that you’re the best
Comforter by a very long way

DEPENDABLE

I think I overly rely on you
I try not to but I know I do
I know I depend on your support
Perhaps more than I ought
I don’t want to cause any upset
You’re more than a safety net
I know my view is slanted
And I’m sure I take you for granted
But the reason that I depend on you
Is because I’m in love with you

AUBURN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Auburn headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks

ARE YOU WEARING? # 6

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing false eye lashes?
You haven’t worn them before?
It’s just the way you’ve put them on
Makes you look like a Labrador

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos?
To cramp and pinch your toes
I’ll grant you have attractive pins
And the admirer certainly wins
But is it really worth the pain
To totter on your heels again

ARE YOU WEARING A WET SUIT?

Are you wearing a wet suit?
I’m sorry my query is moot
Why are you? Is more appropriate
As we’re stood in the Sahara desert

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings?
They might be considered shocking
To those who think prim and proper
About a saucy stocking topper
Their thoughts are rather haughty
Where mine lean towards the naughty
So what other delightful accessory
Might be found up where necessary

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush?
Oh was that another flush?
What have I been missing?
Who have you been kissing?
Have you been up to no good?
Been no better than you should?
Exactly what kind of disgrace?
Would put such colour in your face

ARE YOU WEARING FRUMPY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing frumpy clothes?
Because you like the style
Or did you cease to consider
Your appearance after a while

Perhaps you’re not in vogue
Because you’re just out of time
And dream of distant days
Being old fashioned is not a crime

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?
On your figure oh so sleek
That’s beautifully figure hugger
To tantalise a horny bugger

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

Are you wearing ugg boots?
I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth
Yes they are rather fun aren’t they
But to tell you the honest truth,
Without wanting to call you old,
They are more suited to the youth

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?
Do you really think you should?
Because this isn’t merry England
And you aren’t Robin Hood

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?
Well you must as it’s the law
Yes I know its confining
But not as much as a mortuary draw

Just Plain Mucky

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land
In house’s gable ended
Some frisky young frau’s
Are being table ended

TUP THAT

One of the most fulfilling moments
Is when I’m behind you tupping
And I reach beneath you
Until your breasts, I’m cupping

This is such an awesome pleasure
It always makes my spine tingle
And there I continue to hold you
Until the moment our juices mingle

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie
Each one a hottie
A Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
Some a bit haughty
Some a bit naughty
Honeys that razzled
Babes that bedazzled
But still I blew it
Deep down I knew it
I knew that I’d do it
Only I could do it
From a Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
I dropped a clanger
And pulled the old banger

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you?
“You’ve been in the wars a bit”
“I accidently cut my finger off” He told her
She asked “The whole finger was it?”
“No as a matter of fact” he replied
“It was the one next to it”

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said
“You remind me of my little toe”
She giggled a bit and replied
“Because I’m small and cute Joe?”
She giggled again and he laughed
Then he replied “No it’s not that Mabel
It’s because I’ll probably end up
Banging you on the coffee table”

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email
With photos of celebrity types
Getting out of sports cars
Showing off their tripe’s
Now not wearing panties
And showing off your ass
Isn’t very cultured
And is really lacking class

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

WHAT GREATER COMPLIMENT

What greater compliment
Could be bestowed
On any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“He was faithful and true,
And discharged, with fidelity
Every trust
Confided to his keeping”
I would settle for that

WHAT GREATER EPITAPH

What greater epitaph
Could be written
Of any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“While upon his death
He has left no
Large earthy riches,
To his afflicted family
But he has bequeathed
To them a legacy
More precious than gold
More imperishable
Then monumental brass,
A spotless name”

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader
But an alien being
Inside me
Living, breathing
Growing stronger
Day by day
While I weakened
And in its strength
Is the knowledge
That it will not survive me
Cannot outlive me
Yet it is content
To kill me
Knowing it will end itself

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,
With open mind embrace the new
Open your heart to new possibilities
But to your values remain true

YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM FALSE MODESTY

You do not suffer from false modesty
That is clear for even the blind to see
But if ever there was a truth that mattered
Its, don’t interrupt when you’re being flattered

I’M A LITTLE DESPOT

I’m a little despot
Short and stout
Hear my people
Scream and shout

I say jump
They ask how high
If they don’t
Then they die

I am the chosen
But not by them
I am the chosen
I tell them when

I’m a little despot
So they say
See my people
Wake up one day

ARE YOU WEARING? # 5

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers?
For any particular reason
They aren’t the height of fashion
They’re not even last season
You think they look “cool”
Whereas they look simply shoddy
I don’t know why you wear them
Unless you have a baggy body

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

Are you wearing perfume?
I can smell it in this room
It’s a very seductive brew
Are you sure its not you?
Then the answer is clear
And your brother has I fear
With out our consent Suzy
Been entertaining a floozy

ARE YOU WEARING PRIMARK PANTS?

Are you wearing Primark pants?
Don’t you think that a little drastic?
You don’t want, on you wedding day
To be let down by cheap elastic

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?
I can’t believe you don’t know
But the garden is under
About four feet of snow

ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?

Are you wearing a thong?
No there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that they do so
Make you look like a sumo

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The starched apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
Oh what a feast before my eyes
Come and feel my pulse rate rise
Only you can now tangibly
Cure this poor patient’s malady

ARE YOU WEARING A MOUSTACHE?

Are you wearing a moustache?
And is that a shaving rash?
Well I’m really sorry Ash
But I think I have to dash

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The little apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
With all the coyness you can muster
Reach up with your feather duster
On tip toes reach up high
So I can glimpse a bit of thigh
Then come back down to earth
And get to work for all your worth

ARE YOU WEARING A BEARD?

Are you wearing a beard?
Wow that’s really weird
With the way you walk
And on the phone when we talk
Well that has me in a whirl
I thought you were a girl

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE NAILS?

Are you wearing false nails?
Is there really any point?
After all you will just
Bite them down to the joint

Spiritual # 1

A GOOD TIME GIRL

If it’s a fallen angel you require
If it’s a good time girl you desire
Then any bar will fill your need
Pick any club and you’ll succeed
But if it’s for an angel you search
Then you should try the Church
You’ll find in any neighbourhood
A girl who uses her time for good

WE LIVE IN A CYNICAL WORLD

We live in a cynical world
So why should we believe
We think our politicians
Are programmed to deceive
We distrust anyone wearing
Their heart on their sleeve
So is it any wonder that
On the whole we disbelieve
Now doubtless you will tag me
As impossibly naive
But for me it is impossible
For me to ever conceive
Of a universe where God
Is absent from the weave

WHEN LOVE FILLS THE HEART

When love fills the heart
Until it overflows
There is but one thing to-do
As everyone knows
And that is to share it out
With friends and foes

Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'

A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

ARE YOU WEARING? # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?
For a particular reason maybe
You haven’t suddenly become a frump
So you must be having a baby

ARE YOU WEARING BEIGE?

Are you wearing beige?
For one reason or another
But please don’t be telling me
That it’s your favourite colour

ARE YOU WEARING MUSK?

Are you wearing musk?
Well someone is me thinks
And I know that it’s not me
But God it really stinks

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

Are you wearing falsies?
How disappointing is that
I thought you were well proportioned
But your chest is really flat
I thought you were a catch
But I was wrong about that
I thought I was getting mackerel
But I ended up with sprat

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET TIGHTS?

Are you wearing fishnet tights?
That’s not a bad catch, I’ll bet
There’s a sight worth seeing
When you bend over Jeanette
That must be like the moment
The football hits the back of the net

ARE YOU WEARING A SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scowl?
Or is it your irritable bowel
No it’s an irritable scowl
Because I left my wet towel

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing lipstick?
Well to avoid looking like a dipstick
You might want to adjust it a bit
Maybe you could tone it down
Before you go off to town
You don’t want to look like a clown

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

Are you wearing a frown?
Is something getting you down?
It’s something I’ve done?
A broken rule? What another one?
Oh now what is that look about?
I’ve done it now, no doubt
Now your arms are folded
I’m about to get scolded
No I don’t have a clue
What I’ve done to upset you
If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess
The reason for your distress
So spit it out nice and plain
To avoid having to say it again
Ok so the reason for the frown
Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP?

Are you wearing make up?
You don’t usually wear a scrap
Well you look prettier than ever
Are you going to meet a chap?
You’re not meeting a beau?
What no one has set their cap?
But there is someone you like
Someone you’d like to entrap
Well whoever he might be
He is definitely a lucky chap
Too be caught by one as lovely as you
In sweet loves tender trap
My you have a glint in your eye
Why are you climbing on my lap?
What are you doing to my ear?
Should we just slow down perhaps
It’s hard to concentrate when you do that
So please let me just recap
Am I right in assuming by your behaviour?
That I’m the lucky chap

ARE YOU WEARING RUNNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing running clothes?
What on earth are you thinking?
You are in no shape for running
What have you been drinking?
I wasn’t born yesterday you know
You’ve had more than a tipple
You’ll be sorry I can tell you
When you end up with jogger’s nipple

The Love Selection # 1

STRAWBERRY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the strawberry headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

ARE YOU THE ONE?

I'd like to give you the special key
That unlocks my forbidding heart
But I must be sure you are the one
I must know that before we start
Or the secret of the golden key
I would be unable to impart

I KNOW I PROMISED NOT TO CALL HER

I know I promised not to call her
But I just had to speak to Joyce
She smiled when she picked up the phone
I could hear it clearly in her voice
And how I needed to hear that sweet sound
A sound to make angels rejoice
And when she spoke my name
I knew I’d made the right choice

WE HAVE THE MOST PERFECT LOVE

We have the most perfect love
We fit together like a hand in glove
Because our love for each other
Is greater than our need for each other

FOR EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU

For every little thing about you
Every way you’ve showed you cared
For all the happy laughter
And all the happy times we’ve shared

For always being there
And being the essential part of my life
For just being with me
And for agreeing to become my wife

FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE

For everything that you are
And for everything that you do
For all of this and so much more
With all my heart I thank you

MY HEART IS SO FULL OF LOVE

My heart is so full of love
Yet my words alone can't say,
They simply fail to express
What I wish to convey

I am just like an infant
Mumbling the snips and bytes
Of unformed language
To incoherently recite

I am like a foreign visitor
Trying to translate into English
Trying to formulate phrases
Instead translating into gibberish

My heart is so full of love
So why can I not just say
That I love you darling
Why is it so hard to convey

LOVE THRILLS

Hedonistic thrill seekers
Adrenalin junkies
One and all
Cannot surpass the thrill
You get from love
When you completely fall

And for pure danger
Nothing is more injurious
More painful to befit
Than when you’ve succumbed
And you are in love
And you then fall out of it

MY LIFE RUNS FAST AWAY

My life runs fast away
Like sand in an hourglass,
And with each grain of sand
Goes a moment in of my lifetime
Each moment is an empty one
Not spent with you
The moments are fast running out
As the grains of sand move on
And still I wait to meet you

ACCEPT ME PLEASE

Accept me please
Accept all of me
Every flaw and blemish
Every quirk and foible
For if love is as you say
Truly unconditional
You should accept me as I am

Soldiering

IT WAS THE LOWLY SOLDIER

It was the lowly soldier
Not the journalist
Who won their right
To freedom of the press

It was the lowly soldier,
Not the lofty poet,
Who won for them
Freedom of speech

It was the lowly soldier
Not the politicians
Who secure for all of us
The peace

IT’S THE SIMPLE SOLDIER

It’s the simple soldier
Who serves the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who salutes the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who fights beneath that flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who dies beneath that flag
And it’s the simple soldier
Carried shoulder high
In a coffin draped by the flag

WHY IS IT THAT THE FLAG?

Why is it that the flag?
Means more to those who fight for it
Than it does to the people
Who sent them to fight for it

WHY IS IT THAT THE NATIONS FLAG?

Why is it that the nations flag?
Appears to mean much more
To the soldiers who fight for it
Than the people they’re fighting for

GOD AND THE SOLDIERS

We look to God and the soldiers
Mostly during times of war
But when peace again descends
They are both forgotten like before

A Family Selection

WHO LOVES US?

Who loves us without condition?
Who loves us in their admonition?
Who loves us despite the dirt?
Who do we go to when we’re hurt?
Who shares in all our joys?
Who buys us the best toys?
Who keeps us warm and fed?
Who would prefer a puppy instead?
Who cheers us up when we’re sad?
Who else but mum and dad

THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD

The greatest friend I ever had,
Since I was still just a little lad
To this very day is my Dad

LOOK AFTER HER

Look after her
While you still have her
For there will be no other
So cherish her
And appreciate her
For no one can replace your Mother

WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME

When children leave the family home
No matter where the children roam
Despite the passing of the years
Its mum they want to wipe away the tears
When the world slaps them in the face
They head straight to that one special place
Where the door is always open wide
Where they know they can safely abide
Safely ensconced in that special place
That is a mother’s warm embrace

OH DEAR PARENTS

Oh dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Appreciate how lucky
We are to have you two
You’ve told us often enough
To give us a clue

So dear parents
Its time for us to say
That we are grateful
In our own kind of way
Though we think your methods
Are a little passe

Now dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Without reservations
Love the two of you
But if you repeat this
We will deny that it’s true

NOT HERE

Now that mums not here
You try not to show you’re sad
But we know you miss her
And we know that you feel bad
But please don’t ever forget
That we all miss her too dad

ARE YOU WEARING? # 3

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?
Well as they say “if the cap fits”
I should say it’s not before time
And might curb your nocturnal habits

ARE YOU WEARING A SMILE?

Are you wearing a smile?
Because you know all the while
In your own inimitable style
That you are a commandophile

ARE YOU WEARING SURGICAL STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing surgical stockings?
I know that shouldn’t excite me
The thought of them turns me on
If that’s a problem you can bite me

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSE?

Are you wearing a rose?
Its subtle fragrance, heaven knows
So sweet smelling to the nose
That Rose pinned to your lapel
Does intoxicate me so well
And does hold me in its spell

ARE YOU WEARING CHANEL?

Are you wearing Chanel?
Why do you wear that smell?
At the chip shop when it was quite late
And I asked you out on a date
When you were standing frying fish
You fulfilled my perfect wish
I thought you would smell like that
Because I like the smell of chip fat

ARE YOU WEARING WIDOWS WEEDS?

Are you wearing widows’ weeds?
Well you still have a woman needs
And you’re still in your prime
You’ve waited a respectful time
After that event so fateful
So just lie back and be grateful

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing mourning clothes?
Black really does look good on you
And I am very curious to know
If your underwear is black too

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

Are you wearing boots?
It’s a little warm for that Betty
No they suit you very well indeed
But they make your calves sweaty

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

Are you wearing scent?
You don’t usually exude
Even when you’re going out
For a social interlude
If you are wearing scent
It means you’re going to get rude

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing slippers?
Yes I do think they suit you
I just questioning their suitability
For a visit to the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING? # 2

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING OLD?

Are you wearing something old?
A family heirloom lovingly handed down
Something of great personal sentiment
Pinned to your beautiful wedding gown

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NEW?

Are you wearing something new?
On your wedding day
Sorry that’s a silly question
What a thing to say
You’re an Essex girl
So daddy is going to pay

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NAUGHTY?

Are you wearing something naughty?
I’m thinking it’s naughty but very nice
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Something to give the night a little spice
White of course to remain in keeping
A touch of the virginal with a hint of vice

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BLUE?

Are you wearing something blue?
You know, something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue
Are you wearing something blue?
Its ok I didn’t mean to panic you
I think you’ll find a garter will normally do

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BORROWED?

Are you wearing something borrowed?
As part of your beautiful wedding dress
Something loaned to you with love
Intended to bring luck and lovingly bless

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SAUCY?

Are you wearing something saucy?
Beneath your beautiful wedding livery
Little more than lacy bits of string
That should render you all shivery
When on your wedding night you are
Unwrapped like a special delivery

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING?

Are you wearing something?
As you glide gracefully down the aisle
Having knowledge of you as I do
Wearing no underwear is more your style

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?

Are you wearing something sexy?
As part of your beautiful wedding out fit
Are you all gartered or suspender-ed
Beneath your beautiful wedding kit
Powdered perfumed and splendour-ed
Are you buffed and waxed a bit
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Are you bronzed and toned and fit
Is there silk and lace and bows
I hope you’re wearing all the kit

ARE YOU WEARING AMERICAN PANTS?

Are you wearing American Pants?
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scoff
But I’ve heard about American pants
Just one yank and their off

ARE YOU WEARING FAKE TAN?

Are you wearing fake tan?
Or have you been out in the sun
Either way I’m not really fussed
But seeing your white bits might be fun

PANCAKE DAY

TOSSING A PANCAKE

Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That landed on me

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face

PANCAKE DAY

For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face