21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 404

 

Four and twenty blackbirds

Baked in a crumble

Would that make Greggs

Customers grumble?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 403

 

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a Tuffet

Why not on a chair?

The silly mare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 402

 

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,

Went to bed with his trousers on

One shoe off, and one shoe on,

His was as pissed as a fart, my son Jon!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 401

 

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,

And a merry old soul was he

He called for his pipe

In the middle of the night

And he called for his basins three.

And did a colonic irrigation.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400

 

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,

Had a wife and couldn't keep

It was doomed from the start

As pumpkin made him fart

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 399

 

Little Jack Jingle,

He used to live single;

But his friends got tired

Of his happy single life

And bullied and cajoled

Until he got himself a wife

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 398

 

There was a little girl who had a little curl

A pretty girl with a smile to dazzle

But that wasn’t how she wanted to be

So, she had a wax and vagazzle  

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 397

 

Molly, my sister and I fell out,

And what do you think it was all about?

Well I loved Miranda and so did she

And she made Miranda cheat on me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

 

The child that's born on the Sabbath day

Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay

(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

 

Saturday's child

Works hard for its living,

(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 394

 

Friday's child

Is loving and giving,

(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 393

 

Thursday's child

Has far to go,

(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 392

 

Wednesday's child

Is full of woe,

(And that’s what you get for

drinking on a school night)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 391

 

Tuesday's child

Is full of grace,

(Well, it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 390

 

Monday's child

Is fair of face,

(Well obviously if they don’t look

haggard on Monday morning it’s

because they don’t have any children)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 389

 

If all the world was apple pie,

Just like it was in my dream

Then the oceans would be full

Of delicious vanilla ice cream

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 388

 

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star

I think there’s something wrong

Because you have the same tune

As that annoying Alphabet Song

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Decided to sow Stock seed

But later she realised her error

After sowing Japanese knotweed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

 

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home

Your kind are not welcome here

So, get your Harlequin spotted arse

Back to where you belong in Asia

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

 

“As I was going up the stair

I met a man who wasn't there!

He wasn't there again today

Damn that was some good Mary J”