I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings
The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail
I found the topsoil two inches deeper
When I went to my allotment on Monday
I found the topsoil two inches deeper
When I went to the allotment on Tuesday
The next day as I approached my plot
My poor old heartbeat quickens
So, when the top soil was two inches deeper
I could only say “The plot thickens”
Simon the landscape gardening man
Will
turn his hand to what he can
So
not just gardens attract his attention
Its
not just horticultural dedication
It’s
to the wives of clients he is drawn
As
he tends to garden and to lawn
And
when he’s finished laying the patios
He
lays the clients wife before he goes
I was expecting to see a big-busted piece
When
I looked over the garden fence
A
bird table and some common old birds
Was
all I could see which made no sense
Now
I only heard part of the conversation
But
I heard no mention at all of a bird
When
they were talking of her at fifty-two
But
“tits like coconuts” was what I heard
My uncle grows veg
Not for eating though
He is after prizes
At the garden show
Every waking hour
He nurtures and nurses
Mixing up solutions
As he coaxes and coerces
Enormous Marrows
Giant Asparagus
Towering Celery
And humungous fungus
Now yesterday I planted out
My annuals in a bed laid out
I went to take a look today
But find my annuals gone away
What evil in my garden walks?
All I see are marigold stalks
Now I see the trails of slime
I know who did this awful crime
Not creepy crawlies or even bugs
But evil little snails and slugs
You cannot poison them they say
That isn’t nice there’s another way
Grit or eggshell on the trail
Or little cups of beer or ale
But I’m not one to treat them nice
They will pay the ultimate price
Eco friendly products do they pay?
That’s what the manufacturers say
I have read on the weed killer lids
That it won’t kill any of your kids
And it won’t kill the family moggy
It won’t even kill the family doggy
But does it kill the weeds pray tell
No, it just makes them a little unwell
