HOW THEY EXPLOIT OUR COMPASSION
How they exploit our compassion
With emotional blackmail
They paint us
Pitiful tableaux’s
Of fly ridden waifs
Babies at barren breasts
Or portrait images
Of sad saucer eyed children
Beaten and bruised
Or maybe its pictures
Of Maltreated beasts
That pluck at your heartstrings
The tactics used are quite crude
But anything goes
In the “No holds barred”
World of charity fundraising
As long as they can extract
Our 3 pounds a month
While the poor unfortunates,
The sad stars of the charity show
Are merely lost leaders
CERIDWEN
The welsh enchantress,
Goddess Ceridwen
Celtic goddess of rebirth
And transformation
Keeper of the cauldron
Of poetic inspiration
Mother and daughter
Heroine of the wiccan
BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER
Blood may well be thicker than water
But to a son or daughter
When it comes to Parenthood
This should be understood
There’s more to it you see
What makes a parent is proximity
THE LIGHTHOUSE
The Lighthouse, with
Lantern burning bright
Stands sentinel
A beacon in the night
Steadfastly gazing out
Its piercing light
Cutting through the dark
Warning those at sea
In peril or plight
And providing all
With its piercing light
In the darkest hour
A comforting sight
IN TIMES OF PERIL
In times of peril
And personal plight
Backs against the wall
Stay strong and fight
But keep your integrity
Do things right
With merciful compassion
Fight the good fight
And in the end
Adversity will take flight
And victory be attained
By right over might
A THOUSAND SOULS
A thousand souls
Plus half a thousand more
Never again to feel
Land beneath their feet
Lost to the icy deep
For man’s conceit
And lay their still
In companionable rest
Beneath the icy sea
With the unsinkable lady
Of the White Star Line
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR
Everyone wants to be the star
Of their own life story
But life isn’t like a movie
You don’t get the chance
To re-take the scenes you mess up
And it isn’t like a play
That can be painstakingly rehearsed
You have to go on cold
You may dry up or miss your cue
Or fluff your lines
You may need prompting
You will probably have to improvise
But it’s up to you how the drama unfolds
And whether you are hero or villain
AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID
As Jiminy Cricket famously said
“Let conscience be your guide”
It’s a simple enough philosophy
Listen to the voice of reason
Keep compassion in your heart
And integrity at your core
And you won’t go far wrong
Friday, 19 July 2013
War
SOLDIERS OF ROME
They died beneath the eagle
On the battlefields Rome
And were blessed after death
To walk in the fields of Elysium
KUBLAI KHAN’S MONGOL HORDE
Kublai Khan’s Mongol horde
Set Sail In 1274
To conquer Japan
And add it to his empire
But the great deity Raijin
Conjured up a typhoon
And his Divine wind
Destroyed the Khan’s fleet
And saved the Japanese
But in 1281
They sailed again
The largest fleet every assembled
Four thousand ships
Carrying 140000 men
But when they were off the shore
Once again Raijin
Brought the Kamikaze
And scattered the fleet
To the four winds
And thwarted Kublai Khan
And he never tried again
THE VIKINGS
Killed in battle, bloody axe in hand
The reward of the Nordic warrior
Was for their souls to spend eternity
Residing in the great hall of Valhalla
IN HALIFAX NOVA SCOTIA 1917
Two ships collided in Halifax harbour,
The Mont Blanc and the Imo,
It was December 1917
And what the Nova Scotian’s didn’t know
Was the French ship was laden with explosives
And as it sailed the straight from the sea
It struck the Norwegian vessel
Causing it to explode cataclysmically
Many Canadians were killed
In Halifax Nova Scotia 1917
After the largest man made explosion
The world had ever seen
DON’T HATE THE HUN ACROSS THE FIELD
Don’t hate the Hun across the field
He’s not so very different to you
He doesn’t want to fight in foreign wars
He wants to be in the loving embrace
Of the sweet woman he loves
As you want to be in the arms of yours
ARE YOU WEARING A POPPY?
Are you wearing a poppy?
Wear it proudly on your lapel
Wear it with pride and respect
So everyone will be able to tell
That you recognise the sacrifice
Of those who fought and fell
WANDERING WARRIOR
Wandering warrior
Migrating hero of the good
Fights for God and king
THE RED ENSIGN
The unsung heroes sail
Under The Red Ensign
The telltale flag flown
By British merchantmen
THE RED DUSTER
The British merchantmen
Fly the “Red Duster”
And you will always see
The red ensign flutter
HMHS GLENART CASTLE
The Glenart Castle
Was steaming home
On a cold February night
In 1918
The hospital ship
Headed for safe haven
Her lights green
Clearly visible
Against the dark horizon
Red lamps lit her side rail
Her masthead light burned bright
Fishermen could see her
Red Cross light
Then a torpedo struct her
In the number the hold
In eight minutes
She was gone
With a 162 souls
They died beneath the eagle
On the battlefields Rome
And were blessed after death
To walk in the fields of Elysium
KUBLAI KHAN’S MONGOL HORDE
Kublai Khan’s Mongol horde
Set Sail In 1274
To conquer Japan
And add it to his empire
But the great deity Raijin
Conjured up a typhoon
And his Divine wind
Destroyed the Khan’s fleet
And saved the Japanese
But in 1281
They sailed again
The largest fleet every assembled
Four thousand ships
Carrying 140000 men
But when they were off the shore
Once again Raijin
Brought the Kamikaze
And scattered the fleet
To the four winds
And thwarted Kublai Khan
And he never tried again
THE VIKINGS
Killed in battle, bloody axe in hand
The reward of the Nordic warrior
Was for their souls to spend eternity
Residing in the great hall of Valhalla
IN HALIFAX NOVA SCOTIA 1917
Two ships collided in Halifax harbour,
The Mont Blanc and the Imo,
It was December 1917
And what the Nova Scotian’s didn’t know
Was the French ship was laden with explosives
And as it sailed the straight from the sea
It struck the Norwegian vessel
Causing it to explode cataclysmically
Many Canadians were killed
In Halifax Nova Scotia 1917
After the largest man made explosion
The world had ever seen
DON’T HATE THE HUN ACROSS THE FIELD
Don’t hate the Hun across the field
He’s not so very different to you
He doesn’t want to fight in foreign wars
He wants to be in the loving embrace
Of the sweet woman he loves
As you want to be in the arms of yours
ARE YOU WEARING A POPPY?
Are you wearing a poppy?
Wear it proudly on your lapel
Wear it with pride and respect
So everyone will be able to tell
That you recognise the sacrifice
Of those who fought and fell
WANDERING WARRIOR
Wandering warrior
Migrating hero of the good
Fights for God and king
THE RED ENSIGN
The unsung heroes sail
Under The Red Ensign
The telltale flag flown
By British merchantmen
THE RED DUSTER
The British merchantmen
Fly the “Red Duster”
And you will always see
The red ensign flutter
HMHS GLENART CASTLE
The Glenart Castle
Was steaming home
On a cold February night
In 1918
The hospital ship
Headed for safe haven
Her lights green
Clearly visible
Against the dark horizon
Red lamps lit her side rail
Her masthead light burned bright
Fishermen could see her
Red Cross light
Then a torpedo struct her
In the number the hold
In eight minutes
She was gone
With a 162 souls
Tales of Love # 5
LOVES FIRST STING
In my autumn days
I fondly remember
Loves first sting
And how my heart sang
Loves perfect melody
In loves sweet spring
SILENCE IN THE MEADOW
Silence in the meadow
As we lay amidst the flowers
Young lovers entwined
In the moonlit hours
When love is keenly felt
We succumb to cupids powers
But as night gives way to day
The love we feel is ours
I THINK TO MYSELF NOW THAT IT IS OVER
I think to myself now that it is over
As I pick myself up off the floor,
How could I have been so blind?
To lose my heart and so adore
The creature who can barely disguise
The blackness at her heartless core
PLEASE BRING ME A LOVE
Please bring me a love
Of almost any hue
Let it change forever
My monochrome view
Let it be any colour
As long as it’s not blue
YOU CAN WEATHER ANY STORM
You can weather any storm
When you know without exception
That love is the answer
To each and every question
MY LONELY HEART
My Lonely heart
My silent companion
You empathize
And feel compassion
Even in an age when
It’s out of fashion
Yet still I am alone
With my unspent passion
MIRROR IMAGE
I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me
A WEDDING SONG (PROTHALAMIUM)
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
PRESSED FLOWERS
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
The delicate blooms
Were lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Of a weighty tome
Now they are desiccated
Between the leaves
Blooms long since dried
Still evoke memories
Pressed blooms from
When love was young
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Soon I was once again
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
In my autumn days
I fondly remember
Loves first sting
And how my heart sang
Loves perfect melody
In loves sweet spring
SILENCE IN THE MEADOW
Silence in the meadow
As we lay amidst the flowers
Young lovers entwined
In the moonlit hours
When love is keenly felt
We succumb to cupids powers
But as night gives way to day
The love we feel is ours
I THINK TO MYSELF NOW THAT IT IS OVER
I think to myself now that it is over
As I pick myself up off the floor,
How could I have been so blind?
To lose my heart and so adore
The creature who can barely disguise
The blackness at her heartless core
PLEASE BRING ME A LOVE
Please bring me a love
Of almost any hue
Let it change forever
My monochrome view
Let it be any colour
As long as it’s not blue
YOU CAN WEATHER ANY STORM
You can weather any storm
When you know without exception
That love is the answer
To each and every question
MY LONELY HEART
My Lonely heart
My silent companion
You empathize
And feel compassion
Even in an age when
It’s out of fashion
Yet still I am alone
With my unspent passion
MIRROR IMAGE
I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me
A WEDDING SONG (PROTHALAMIUM)
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
PRESSED FLOWERS
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
The delicate blooms
Were lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Of a weighty tome
Now they are desiccated
Between the leaves
Blooms long since dried
Still evoke memories
Pressed blooms from
When love was young
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Soon I was once again
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
Tales of Love # 4
I’VE LOST MY HEART TO ANOTHER
I’ve lost my heart to another
She is fairer than a rose
The gentlest girl I’ve known
Who is purer than the snow’s
And all the time I’m with her
My love for her just grows
THE THREAD OF LOVE
The thread of love
Our hearts entwine
I have all her love
And she has mine
Bound together by
Loves eternal vine
I have all her love
And she has mine
SHE BLESSED MY LIFE
She blessed my life
When she came to stay
And I love her more
Each and every day
It would break my heart
If she went away
OVER THE SPAN OF YEARS
Over the span of years,
Along the way
My heart has been broken
Time after time
But how can it not break,
When you lose someone
Or when a loved one passes,
Or your child is in pain
Or is unhappy
We don’t live in a bubble
Life is not lived in isolation
And broken hearts do mend
And each repair gives us strength
For the next time
Because a heart never broken,
Is cold and sterile,
And has never known the joy
Of loving another human being
RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET
The Platter’s were crooning
“Red Sails in the sunset”
So I asked her to dance
And the moment our eyes met
My heart sailed away
And it hasn’t returned yet
RED EYE
In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldn’t get a good shot
But it wasn’t a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil
PRESSED BLOOMS
Pressed blooms
Long since dried
Lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
DRINK TO THE GLORY OF LOVE
Drink to the glory of love
From the loving cup
Before it spills
And evaporates away
AS WE LAY UNDER THE STARS
As we lay under the stars
I had the perfect trinity
Music in my soul
Love in my heart
And you in my arms
I’ve lost my heart to another
She is fairer than a rose
The gentlest girl I’ve known
Who is purer than the snow’s
And all the time I’m with her
My love for her just grows
THE THREAD OF LOVE
The thread of love
Our hearts entwine
I have all her love
And she has mine
Bound together by
Loves eternal vine
I have all her love
And she has mine
SHE BLESSED MY LIFE
She blessed my life
When she came to stay
And I love her more
Each and every day
It would break my heart
If she went away
OVER THE SPAN OF YEARS
Over the span of years,
Along the way
My heart has been broken
Time after time
But how can it not break,
When you lose someone
Or when a loved one passes,
Or your child is in pain
Or is unhappy
We don’t live in a bubble
Life is not lived in isolation
And broken hearts do mend
And each repair gives us strength
For the next time
Because a heart never broken,
Is cold and sterile,
And has never known the joy
Of loving another human being
RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET
The Platter’s were crooning
“Red Sails in the sunset”
So I asked her to dance
And the moment our eyes met
My heart sailed away
And it hasn’t returned yet
RED EYE
In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldn’t get a good shot
But it wasn’t a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil
PRESSED BLOOMS
Pressed blooms
Long since dried
Lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen
DRINK TO THE GLORY OF LOVE
Drink to the glory of love
From the loving cup
Before it spills
And evaporates away
AS WE LAY UNDER THE STARS
As we lay under the stars
I had the perfect trinity
Music in my soul
Love in my heart
And you in my arms
Nature Days
HUMMINGBIRD FLY
Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep
FROM THE BREAK OF EACH NEW DAWN
From the break of each new dawn
When heralding the new day
The sun crests the horizon
To Paint the eastern sky
With natures orange glow
Until it sets again
In majestic splendour
Beyond the western hills
And is swallowed by the darkness
It gives life with its benevolent light
FLAME TREES
Flame trees in the jungle
Petals like tongues of fire
Burning bright in paradise
ON THE CUSP OF SPRING AND SUMMER
On the cusp of spring and summer
Hawthorn hedgerows bloom
And produce their fruity haws
Before the autumns gathering gloom
THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING
The fading light of the evening
Mirrors the slow diminishing
Of my own dwindling light
As we both head towards the night
A DEW DROP SLOWLY ROLLS
A dew drop slowly rolls along the broad leaf
Like a perfect pearl, it moves on its journey brief
Before dropping off the edge to a rivulet below
And the pearl disappears into the mercurial flow
ON A STORMY NIGHT
On a stormy night
As strangers slumber
Around the gables
The wild wind howled
And rain hit the panes
Like thrown gravel
As the lightning struck
And thunder growled
THE HEATHERS ON THE HILLSIDE
The Heathers on the hillside
And Buttercups in the meadow
The Bluebells in the woods
And Orchids in the hedgerow
What a green and pleasant land
Where the wild flowers grow
AS THE EVENING LIGHT FADES
As the evening light fades
The sky takes on a twilight hue
Until the stars appear above
And the moon comes into view
RED ADMIRAL
Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta
THE RED KITE
The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high
THE RED SQUIRREL
The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder
LITTLE BIRD BRING US
Little bird bring us
Your sweet song
To woodland
And to meadow
Usher in another
Blessed summer
AMIDST THE MYRIAD STARS
Amidst the myriad stars
The bright crescent moon
Hangs in the midnight sky
And palely paints the ocean
With its gentle lunar light
A DAZZLING ARRAY OF STARS
A dazzling array of stars
Carpet the night sky
Enlivening the heart
And making spirits fly
Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep
FROM THE BREAK OF EACH NEW DAWN
From the break of each new dawn
When heralding the new day
The sun crests the horizon
To Paint the eastern sky
With natures orange glow
Until it sets again
In majestic splendour
Beyond the western hills
And is swallowed by the darkness
It gives life with its benevolent light
FLAME TREES
Flame trees in the jungle
Petals like tongues of fire
Burning bright in paradise
ON THE CUSP OF SPRING AND SUMMER
On the cusp of spring and summer
Hawthorn hedgerows bloom
And produce their fruity haws
Before the autumns gathering gloom
THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING
The fading light of the evening
Mirrors the slow diminishing
Of my own dwindling light
As we both head towards the night
A DEW DROP SLOWLY ROLLS
A dew drop slowly rolls along the broad leaf
Like a perfect pearl, it moves on its journey brief
Before dropping off the edge to a rivulet below
And the pearl disappears into the mercurial flow
ON A STORMY NIGHT
On a stormy night
As strangers slumber
Around the gables
The wild wind howled
And rain hit the panes
Like thrown gravel
As the lightning struck
And thunder growled
THE HEATHERS ON THE HILLSIDE
The Heathers on the hillside
And Buttercups in the meadow
The Bluebells in the woods
And Orchids in the hedgerow
What a green and pleasant land
Where the wild flowers grow
AS THE EVENING LIGHT FADES
As the evening light fades
The sky takes on a twilight hue
Until the stars appear above
And the moon comes into view
RED ADMIRAL
Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta
THE RED KITE
The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high
THE RED SQUIRREL
The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder
LITTLE BIRD BRING US
Little bird bring us
Your sweet song
To woodland
And to meadow
Usher in another
Blessed summer
AMIDST THE MYRIAD STARS
Amidst the myriad stars
The bright crescent moon
Hangs in the midnight sky
And palely paints the ocean
With its gentle lunar light
A DAZZLING ARRAY OF STARS
A dazzling array of stars
Carpet the night sky
Enlivening the heart
And making spirits fly
A Little Bit Of Humour # 20
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner
THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true
Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over
PICKUP # 7
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”
PICKUP # 8
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”
I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before
They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really
THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED
The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note
I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady
MY WIFE IS A JAILER
My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration
In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled
I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off
I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY
I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am
THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN
My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING
I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner
THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true
Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over
PICKUP # 7
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”
PICKUP # 8
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”
I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before
They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really
THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED
The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note
I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady
MY WIFE IS A JAILER
My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration
In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled
I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off
I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY
I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am
THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN
My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING
I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake
A Little Bit Of Humour # 19
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
What if I end up in Capable
I find that that’s often where I go
WHEN I LAND A REAL PRIZE WINNING FISH
When I land a real prize winning fish
It’s like meeting a bird that’s really fit
I am filled with the same indecision
I don’t know whether to eat it or mount it
OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE
Our scarecrow won first prize
When the winner was revealed
The judges at the county show
Thought it outstanding in its field
A FOREST FIRE CAN START
A forest fire can easily start
With a match you carelessly threw
Yet it can take a whole box
To light your BBQ
PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
You might try to ascertain
And then you could continue
“Or should I walk by again?”
THE CARPENTERS
My wife said to me
Let’s play carpenter’s
So we got hammered
Then I'll nail her
I WENT TO MY VEG PLOT TO CHECK
I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings
The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail
RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN
Racing through on the green
Breaking hard on the red
Foot dallying on the amber
Before belting across instead
I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM
I wanted to donate sperm
But there was a difficulty
I couldn’t perform
As the surroundings were iffy
Then I found you could do it by post
And I came in a jiffy
I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS
I picked up a girl and went back to hers
But I was struck by impotency
She was very understanding and said
“That used to happen to me”
WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN
When Albert Einstein
Tugged on his penis
It was widely regarded
As a stroke of genius
YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET
You’ll never guess I bet
What it is that you get
If you cross the Atlantic
With the RMS Titanic?
Do you give in? Can I say?
Ok then “About half way”
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
What if I end up in Capable
I find that that’s often where I go
WHEN I LAND A REAL PRIZE WINNING FISH
When I land a real prize winning fish
It’s like meeting a bird that’s really fit
I am filled with the same indecision
I don’t know whether to eat it or mount it
OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE
Our scarecrow won first prize
When the winner was revealed
The judges at the county show
Thought it outstanding in its field
A FOREST FIRE CAN START
A forest fire can easily start
With a match you carelessly threw
Yet it can take a whole box
To light your BBQ
PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
You might try to ascertain
And then you could continue
“Or should I walk by again?”
THE CARPENTERS
My wife said to me
Let’s play carpenter’s
So we got hammered
Then I'll nail her
I WENT TO MY VEG PLOT TO CHECK
I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings
The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail
RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN
Racing through on the green
Breaking hard on the red
Foot dallying on the amber
Before belting across instead
I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM
I wanted to donate sperm
But there was a difficulty
I couldn’t perform
As the surroundings were iffy
Then I found you could do it by post
And I came in a jiffy
I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS
I picked up a girl and went back to hers
But I was struck by impotency
She was very understanding and said
“That used to happen to me”
WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN
When Albert Einstein
Tugged on his penis
It was widely regarded
As a stroke of genius
YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET
You’ll never guess I bet
What it is that you get
If you cross the Atlantic
With the RMS Titanic?
Do you give in? Can I say?
Ok then “About half way”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 18
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I have never been in Flexible
But I really don’t know
I think it’s important to stand firm
So I would have to say no
ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?
Are you wearing lederhosen?
Well that’s a look you could lose
And they make your buttocks squeak
Like a pair of new shoes
MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL
My dog must be musical
What rubbish I hear you groan
But he must be I tell you
As I saw him eating a trombone
I’M WORRIED ABOUT ONE OF MY HENS
I’m worried about one of my hens
There’s something wrong with Megs
I think she must have been possessed
As she keeps laying Devilled eggs
ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?
Are you wearing a diadem?
Why are you some kind of princess?
No you actually have to be royalty
Not just daddy’s little princess
ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing baggy dungarees?
Oh yes they’re the bee’s knees
And I can get inside them with ease
In fact I can have them round your knees
Quicker than you can sneeze
Oh yes I like your baggy dungarees
ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?
Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?
Are you wearing denim?
I didn’t know you could still buy it
It’s just like I remember
And it still smells like shit
WHY UNITED?
My mate asked me why
I’m a United fan
I replied that it was
Because my brother Dan
Supported the Reds,
Also my dad was a United man
And my mum was a
Lifelong United fan
So that was why I was also
A Man United fan
“That’s ridiculous” he said
“What if your brother was a thug?
Your mum was a prostitute
And your dad was on drugs
What would you be then?
You poor misguided fool?”
“Well obviously” I replied
“Then I'd support Liverpool”
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitant had to live in their cars
It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that there was very little doubt
His colleagues called him the station cat
Because on rainy nights he never went out
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I have never been in Flexible
But I really don’t know
I think it’s important to stand firm
So I would have to say no
ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?
Are you wearing lederhosen?
Well that’s a look you could lose
And they make your buttocks squeak
Like a pair of new shoes
MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL
My dog must be musical
What rubbish I hear you groan
But he must be I tell you
As I saw him eating a trombone
I’M WORRIED ABOUT ONE OF MY HENS
I’m worried about one of my hens
There’s something wrong with Megs
I think she must have been possessed
As she keeps laying Devilled eggs
ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?
Are you wearing a diadem?
Why are you some kind of princess?
No you actually have to be royalty
Not just daddy’s little princess
ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing baggy dungarees?
Oh yes they’re the bee’s knees
And I can get inside them with ease
In fact I can have them round your knees
Quicker than you can sneeze
Oh yes I like your baggy dungarees
ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?
Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?
Are you wearing denim?
I didn’t know you could still buy it
It’s just like I remember
And it still smells like shit
WHY UNITED?
My mate asked me why
I’m a United fan
I replied that it was
Because my brother Dan
Supported the Reds,
Also my dad was a United man
And my mum was a
Lifelong United fan
So that was why I was also
A Man United fan
“That’s ridiculous” he said
“What if your brother was a thug?
Your mum was a prostitute
And your dad was on drugs
What would you be then?
You poor misguided fool?”
“Well obviously” I replied
“Then I'd support Liverpool”
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitant had to live in their cars
It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation
HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1
He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that there was very little doubt
His colleagues called him the station cat
Because on rainy nights he never went out
A Little Bit Of Humour # 17
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 3
When my girlfriend suggested
We play Doctors and Nurses
I was up for it even when
She told me about the role reverses
But when I dressed up in a uniform
With a starched white apron
She buggered off to play
Eighteen holes with a surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE LIPSTICK?
Are you wearing blue lipstick?
Then you must be a Dutch chick
Because I’ve heard the song Ma’am
About blue lips from Amsterdam
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I will probably be in Doubt
It’s not for frequent flyers though
Its destination I’m unsure of
In fact I’m not sure I want to go
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation
THE RED HOUSE
I met her in the Red House
When she gave me the eye
I gave her an appraising look
And thought I’d give her a try
I knew my luck was in when
She was unbuttoning my fly
ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL
Anna was a good time girl
In fact she really had a ball
And we called her Anna Glypta
As she liked it up against the wall
I REMEMBER LIKE YESTERDAY
I remember like yesterday
That cold and crispy morn
And just how proud I felt
On the day my son was born
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300
Baa Baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Please say yes sir
To make my wagon full
No I don’t have any wool
You bloody Wally
I’m not a sheep
I’m your Border Collie
TOM SHARPE RIP
He wrote Vintage Stuff
Of Riotous Assembly
And Indecent Exposure
He liked his Porterhouse Blue
In The Great Pursuit
And was no Blott on the landscape
Nor was he The Throwback
With Ancestral Vices
And in the end he didn’t die
It was just a simple case of Wilt
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE
It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three
And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me
Although my memory's not like it used to be
And also my memory's not like it used to be
MY WIFE SAID I WAS NOT MYSELF TODAY
My wife said I was not myself today
Which I thought was a funny thing to say
But then she went on to say to me
She noticed the improvement immediately
GROWING OLD TOGETHER
Growing old together
Is not an easy trip
In fact as time goes by
It’s just a pain in the hip
When my girlfriend suggested
We play Doctors and Nurses
I was up for it even when
She told me about the role reverses
But when I dressed up in a uniform
With a starched white apron
She buggered off to play
Eighteen holes with a surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE LIPSTICK?
Are you wearing blue lipstick?
Then you must be a Dutch chick
Because I’ve heard the song Ma’am
About blue lips from Amsterdam
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I will probably be in Doubt
It’s not for frequent flyers though
Its destination I’m unsure of
In fact I’m not sure I want to go
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation
THE RED HOUSE
I met her in the Red House
When she gave me the eye
I gave her an appraising look
And thought I’d give her a try
I knew my luck was in when
She was unbuttoning my fly
ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL
Anna was a good time girl
In fact she really had a ball
And we called her Anna Glypta
As she liked it up against the wall
I REMEMBER LIKE YESTERDAY
I remember like yesterday
That cold and crispy morn
And just how proud I felt
On the day my son was born
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300
Baa Baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Please say yes sir
To make my wagon full
No I don’t have any wool
You bloody Wally
I’m not a sheep
I’m your Border Collie
TOM SHARPE RIP
He wrote Vintage Stuff
Of Riotous Assembly
And Indecent Exposure
He liked his Porterhouse Blue
In The Great Pursuit
And was no Blott on the landscape
Nor was he The Throwback
With Ancestral Vices
And in the end he didn’t die
It was just a simple case of Wilt
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE
It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three
And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me
Although my memory's not like it used to be
And also my memory's not like it used to be
MY WIFE SAID I WAS NOT MYSELF TODAY
My wife said I was not myself today
Which I thought was a funny thing to say
But then she went on to say to me
She noticed the improvement immediately
GROWING OLD TOGETHER
Growing old together
Is not an easy trip
In fact as time goes by
It’s just a pain in the hip
A Little Bit Of Humour # 16
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But she gave me an enema
And now I don’t want
To play anymore
ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?
Are you wearing a spacesuit?
Good that makes two of us
Because I'm an astronaut and
My mission is to explore Uranus
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I can’t do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no
HEALING HANDS
Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
“No way” he said “I'm on disability wack”
I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY
I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301
Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the others escaped unscathed
EATING WITH THE INLAWS
An evening spent
With my wife’s family
Is good food and wine
And gracious hostility
I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT
I went to the movies last night
And watched a really good thriller
About a man poisoning the Cornflakes
Who turned out to be a cereal killer
YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS
You should never raise
Your hands to your children
And for that, there
Is a very good reason
Not that I’m saying
They shouldn’t be corrected
But you must never
Leave your nuts unprotected
SURPRISE YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY
Surprise your dad on Father’s Day
Asking him for advice should do it
And if you really want to surprise him
You should actually accept it
MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER
Mum knitted me a jumper
I hate wearing I as I look silly
But I’m a kid so I have to
Especially when mum feels chilly
IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS
It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born today to be fair
As there aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin anywhere
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But she gave me an enema
And now I don’t want
To play anymore
ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?
Are you wearing a spacesuit?
Good that makes two of us
Because I'm an astronaut and
My mission is to explore Uranus
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I can’t do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no
HEALING HANDS
Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
“No way” he said “I'm on disability wack”
I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY
I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301
Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the others escaped unscathed
EATING WITH THE INLAWS
An evening spent
With my wife’s family
Is good food and wine
And gracious hostility
I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT
I went to the movies last night
And watched a really good thriller
About a man poisoning the Cornflakes
Who turned out to be a cereal killer
YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS
You should never raise
Your hands to your children
And for that, there
Is a very good reason
Not that I’m saying
They shouldn’t be corrected
But you must never
Leave your nuts unprotected
SURPRISE YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY
Surprise your dad on Father’s Day
Asking him for advice should do it
And if you really want to surprise him
You should actually accept it
MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER
Mum knitted me a jumper
I hate wearing I as I look silly
But I’m a kid so I have to
Especially when mum feels chilly
IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS
It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born today to be fair
As there aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin anywhere
A Little Bit Of Humour # 15
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor
ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?
Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation
I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS
I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool
MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE
My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal
PUT DOWN # 49
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration
When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”
I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB
I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability
“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”
"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"
So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb
But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”
RED HAT
She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that
She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”
RED NOSE
He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery
THE RED LION
I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow
As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor
ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?
Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation
I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS
I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool
MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE
My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal
PUT DOWN # 49
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration
When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”
I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB
I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability
“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”
"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"
So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb
But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”
RED HAT
She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that
She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”
RED NOSE
He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery
THE RED LION
I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow
As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true
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