PODS

Every one loves an iPod
A w x and y Pod
And an I say I say Pod
A meat and potato pie Pod

The all at sea aye aye Pod
The he made me cry Pod
And I’ve got to fly Pod
And the bye bye Pod

The I’m going to die Pod,
The my mate Dai Pod
The must keep it dry Pod
And the lady Di Pod,

The di diddly di Pod
The one in the eye Pod
The just for a guy Pod
And the Isle of Skye Pod

The bridge over the river Kwai Pod
The pig in his sty Pod
The vale of Wye Pod
And the Jamiroquai Pod

The Geordie why eye Pod
The Scottish ocheye Pod
The end is nigh Pod
And the x-ray eye Pod

The I can’t tell a lie Pod
The New Zealanders kai Pod
The I spy with my little iPod
Every one loves their iPod

NO MORE JUMPERS FOR GOAL POSTS

We didn’t think that life
Could get any better
We were young
Happy and content
Kicking footballs
Building carts
Climbing trees
Fishing in the pond
Swimming in the pool
Then they came along
Distracting us
With their undulations
Their cheap perfume
That seemed so exotic
Walking with their funny wiggles
Laughing with their girlish giggles
And the boyhood fun was over
No more jumpers for goal posts
No more war games in the woods
We still played in the woods
But then it was holding hands
Hugging and snogging
And playing with fun bumps
But no more jumpers for goal posts

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 1

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The refined palate of an epicurean
Would be gravely disappointed if they did not
Taste of Rambler, Hiker or Pedestrian

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The connoisseur would think it a mistake
If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour
Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake

KISSING BY NUMBERS

KISS NUMBER ONE

The first nervous kiss,
When tentative
And hesitant lips
Lacking confidence
Lacking conviction
Miss their mark
And teeth collide

KISS NUMBER TWO

The second kiss
More eagerly awaited
Full of conviction
Yet over confident
Hearts race unchecked
When over eager lips
Engage like spaceships docking
And both parties forget to breathe

KISS NUMBER THREE

The third kiss
Is eager yet restrained
Slow yet purposeful
And when lips meet
Hearts start racing
But each moment is savoured
This kiss, though not life changing
Will be remembered

DO YOU REMEMBER DANCING ALONG TO HARRY?

Do you remember?
When first we met
When we were set up
By our so called friends
Tony and Gwen,
Who quickly abandoned us?
A quick introduction
Then they were gone
Leaving us with each other
How awkward was that?
Being left with a complete stranger
You would never have chosen me
In a million years
And you were not my perfect choice
I had someone different in mind altogether
But their we were
Having to make small talk
With an unsuitable partner
Making do for the moment
While planning an escape
Then the music started
And I asked you to dance
You reluctantly agreed
I wasn’t bothered either way
I thought just one dance
Then I could desert you
With a clear conscience
Then just as we walked, hesitantly,
Onto the dance floor
The up tempo number ended abruptly
And for a moment there was nothing
Just the two of us feeling foolish
And wondering just how
We could leave the dance floor with our dignity
Then the music began again
And Harry Nilsson started to sing
We looked at each other briefly
And resigned ourselves to our fate
There was an awkward coming together
I gingerly put my arms around you
And we shuffled along to the music
Hoping that time would speed up
And the experience be over quickly
But as we danced along to Harry
The gap between us slowly decreased
Inch by inch until we were as one
And at that moment I felt at home
All thought of escape melted away
I never wanted to leave again
And now I wanted time to stand still
So the dance would never end
We hardly left the dance floor all evening
And when we did it was brief
So eager were we to return to our embrace
“Without you” was the song
That we first danced to
And I have not been without you since

A SULTRY SENSUAL SUMMER (A TEENAGE GIRL UNFULFILLED)

How I look back with regret
At that summer long ago
A sultry sensual summer
A time of sexual awakening
When I was on the threshold,
The blossoming of womanhood
And how I curse the time
I wasted on you
All those hours in your room
Listening to your music,
Your creative juices at work
Your incessant toe tapping
And finger clicking
To your tuneless efforts
Played on the out of tune guitar
That accompanied your juvenile
Angst ridden ramblings
“The music of your soul”
Was what you called it
God you were pretentious
Even for a teenager it was extreme
You were self obsessed,
Self regarding, self centred
Self absorbed, self deluded
Egocentric and narcissistic
In fact if the word
“Narcissism” hadn’t existed
They would have had to
Invent it just for you
If only you had realised
I wanted to make music with you
Raw unscripted passionate music
An ardent duet,
Fervently reprised
I had creative juices
I had creative juices to spare
I had a song of teenage want
About a frustrated nymphet
In lust with a pretentious musician
Who would rather finger his fret!!
Well I had urges
And I was left unsatisfied
By your excruciating folk
And your mournful dirges,
You called me your muse
Like I should be flattered
I didn’t want to be your muse
I wanted to be your groupie
I panted at you in desire
I dressed provocatively
I hinted at my lusty inclinations
I suggested you play my body
Like an instrument
But the sexual connotation,
Like everything else, was lost on you
And I remained unsullied
That sultry sensual summer long ago

THIS MASQUERADE

When I reflect back
On our time together
People were amazed
By my patience
And my quiet resolve
To maintain,
The status quo.
Such forbearance
And fortitude
In the face
Of her constant betrayals
My endurance
And boundless tolerance
Astounded everyone
But to claim any virtue
Would be dishonest
Because it was so calculated
I was not blind
To her indiscretions.
And to our friends
My capacity for forgiveness
Seemed to far exceed
Her ability to shame me
But it was I
Who was the dishonest one
I maintained an air
Of cool dispassion
In an effort
To give her space
And freedom
So as not to drive her away
I wore the mask
Of the patient husband
But my noble efforts
Were in vain
As I appeared to her,
Merely indifferent
And I drove her away anyway
I should have been honest
True to my feelings
I should have discarded
All pretence
And removed the mask

SEXUAL PREFERENCES

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 1

I have a favourite type of girl,
I love my ladies trim
Like Skinny Ginny
And Ultra slim Kim

I love them thin and bony
Not a hint of saggy
I like Scrawny Dawny
And Scraggy Maggie

Lovely Lean Jean
Or Slender Brenda
For the nearer the bone
Is sweetest and tender

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2

I have a favourite type of girl,
Nothing wrong with that
I love my ladies ample
Like beautiful Fat pat
Also Porkus Dorcas
And Obese Louise,
Glandular Angela
Gives me a good squeeze
I love voluminous
I love them rounder
I love them full bodied
Because rounder is sounder

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 3

I don’t have a favourite,
I love them all
Shorty and sporty
Petite and tall

Dowdy and flashy
High and mighty
Shy and vivacious
Safe and flighty

I love Juicy Lucy
Smelly Kelly,
Scraggy Maggie
And Silly Millie

I love Gay Mei
And Straight Kate
Spotty Dotty
And Plain Jane’s great

So is Jolly Molly
Clingy thingy
Obese Louise
And Skinny Ginny

I love Boozey Suzie
Sweaty Betty and all
I love them long,
I love them short, I love them tall

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 4

I have a favourite type of girl,
But it’s not like I am facile
Nothing wrong with preferences
I just like my girls to be gracile

Sinuous and willowy
I don’t look for a pretty face
But they should have about them
Some elegance and grace

It takes the like of Nimble Kimble
Or the lovely Lithe Blythe
The aptly named Bendy Wendy
Or Lissom Blossom to feast my eyes

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 5

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Prayer Claire
And Lazy Daisy
Gaudy Maudie
And Crazy Maisy

I love Blue Sue
And Classy Darcy
Timid Ingrid
And Brassy Marcie

I love Shy Di
And Sullen Ellen
Beige Paige
And Barren Karen

I love Chipper Pippa
And Hairy Mary
All of them from homely
Too a little bit scary

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 6

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Grim Kim
And Moanie Toni
Henpecky Becky
And Naggy Maggie

I love Bella Stella
And Indie Lindy
Funny Honey
And Windy Cindy

I love Tarty Marti
And Burley Shirley
The Felon Helen
And that twirly girlie

I love Flabby Gabby
And Escapee Lee
Chardonnay Kay
And Meat free Fi

I love Prudy Judy
And Racy Macy
Pristine Christine
And Straight Lacy Tracy

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 7

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Neater Rita
And Nosy Rosie
Beggy Peggy
And Dozy Posy

I love Tatty Patty
And Singular Ingela
Tipsy Bitzi
And Glandular Angela

I love Naïve Neve
And Teaser Louisa
Taller Paula
And “Was a Geezer” Lisa

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 8

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Dirty Gerty
And Randy Mandy
Stern Fern
And Bandy Sandie

I love Bored Maud
And Doughy Zoë
Glam Sam
And Showy Chloe

I love Choice Joyce
And Petty Lettie
Frigid Ingrid
And Sweaty Betty

I love Intense Hortense
And Hot Dot
Any one of them
Will hit the spot

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 9

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Pally Sally
And Meaner Tina
Cranky Frankie
And Keener Meena

I love Messy Jesse
And Smiley Kylie
Tiara Clara
And Tidy Heidi

I love Buffy Duffy
And Flexi Alexie
Moanie Joanie
And Sexy Lexie

I love Irate Kate
And Funny Honey
Every one of them
Is on the money

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 10

I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Totty Lottie
And Clammy Tammy
Fit Britt
And Whammy Pammy

I love Trixie Pixie
And Peculiar Julia
Able Sable
And Nuclear Petunia

I love Bossy Flossie
And Parley Carli
Silky Elkie
And Gnarly Charlie

I love Fond bond
And Nambi Bambi
Any one of them
Does it for me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 171 to 201

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

# 171

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one

# 172

Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony

# 174

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three

# 175

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle

# 176

Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli

# 177

Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can


# 179

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy

# 180

"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street

# 181

Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below


# 183

"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard

# 184

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!

# 185

The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia

# 186

A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour

# 187

Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing

# 188

I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.

# 189

I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down

# 190

A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social


# 192

I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.

# 193

Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below

MES # 194

Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark

# 195

A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ

# 196

Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant

# 197

I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee

There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold

# 198

Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop

# 199

In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing

# 200

Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe

# 201

Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month