SAVAGERY LONG SINCE PROCURED

 

Savagery long since procured

Its inhumane and bestial song

And its uncivilised beat

Is known to the barbarous throng

Whose ferocity knows no bounds

As it perpetrates its brutal wrong

TAKING OFFENCE

People are so easily offended today
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories

Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient

Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh

Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving

The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling

Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place

The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland

LADS AND LADDETTES

Going out
Saturday nights
Looking for birds
Looking for fights
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
Young lads do
It’s always been
It’s nothing new

Going out
On the weekend
Looking for fun
Going with friends
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
The laddettes do
I guess that thatIs equality for you

THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

As a school kid
It was cider first
Then as a student
Wine came second
Then as a worker
The vodka came third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Out every night
Drinking trebles
Never slowing down
Even seeing double
They never slow down
Never have a single

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Before breakfast
One eye opener
Mid morning at the office
Two snifters in the loo
A liquid lunchtime
Three large ones do it

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

The lost weekends
Come first
Then the tremours
Follow a close second
Cirrhosis of the liver
Takes its place in third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

I’m only a social drinker
The first denial
I can stop if I want too
The second denial
I’m in control of the drink
The third denial

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

In a gutter covered in vomit
Not for the first time
Coming round in casualty
More than the second time
Surrounded by medics
No way back the third time

It stops there