HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 2

 

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

But there are Heroes by the score

They eagerly arrive aged eleven

And get in through the Gryffindor

HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 1

 

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

Because there’s a lot of bullying

They really try to keep them out

But somehow, they still Slytherin

ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?

Just like they do at Hogwarts

But it’s not really appropriate

For when you’re playing sports

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

 

He must return every time school ends

To the bosom of the family Dursley

Where he must while away the time

With only an old owl for company

 

He waited for word from his chums

For news of some adventure to be had

But they were having too much fun

To spare a thought for the lonely lad

 

Hermione was feeling a little ginger

Where the Weasley family dwell

Riding Ron like a nimbus

Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

 

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid

And covering his genitals in paint

While Neville was with Ginny

Who held his wand and made him faint

 

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat

Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap

Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear

As he played with his old chap

 

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses

With Minister Cornelius Fudge

And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel

So tight that he couldn’t budge

 

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg

Handled by Pomona Sprout

So deftly did she manipulate him

That his good eye nearly popped out

 

Seamus played with Cornish pixies

Where Goblin meant something more

And the Patil girls made up a threesome

With the demure Fleur Delacour

 

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten

And over a desk they were bent

Though Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box

To mete out their punishment

 

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room

Pining for his young love Cho

And was finally forced to seek solace

Where the sad and the lonely go

 

He sought out the purveyors of sex

Looking for some company

At a place frequented by Filch and Snape

On a street called Ven Ally

 

But he contracted the vilest irritation

On his most intimate patch

After consorting with a cut price bludger

At a place called the “Golden snatch”

 

If he had not been so cheap

And not chosen such a dirty little witch

He would have had his carnal pleasures

Without catching the dreaded quid itch

HARRY POTTER AND THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

When everyone was having fun

In the holidays, poor lonely Harry

Had to return each time

To the bosom of the family Dursley

As he waited for word from Sirius

He was always at a lose end

All his school pals and teachers were busy

And his owl was his only friend

Hermione was getting a little ginger

Where the Weasley family dwell

Riding Ron like a nimbus

Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

While Neville was with young Ginny

Who grabbed his wand and made him faint

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid

And covering his genitals in paint

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat

And curled up on Dumbledore’s lap

Malfoy wore Madam Pomfreys underwear

And played with his old chap

Seamus played with Cornish pixies

And goblin’s had a different meaning

Pomona Sprout had meat and two veg

As Wood gazed smiling at the ceiling

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room

Pining for his young love Cho

And was finally forced to seek solace

Where the sad and the lonely go

He sought out the purveyors of sex

Looking for some company

At a place frequented by Filch and Snape

On a street called Ven Ally

But he contracted the vilest irritation

On his most intimate patch

After consorting with a cut price bludger

At a place called the “Golden snatch”

If he had not been so cheap

And not chosen a dirty little witch

He would have had his carnal pleasures

Without catching the dreaded quid itch

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 1

We went to a fancy-dress party

I was a wizard, and she was a witch

But I knew it was time to leave

When she tapped her witch watch

MY LITTLE NIECE GOES TO HOGWARTS

 

My little niece goes to Hogwarts

She’s a witch and she’s excelling

But of all the subjects she takes

Her favourite one is spelling

HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 2

 

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

But there are Heroes by the score

They eagerly arrive aged eleven

And get in through the Gryffindor

HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 1

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

Because there’s a lot of bullying

They really try to keep them out

But somehow, they still Slytherin

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

He must return every time school ends
To the bosom of the family Dursley
Where he must while away the time
With only an old owl for company

He waited for word from his chums
For news of some adventure to be had
But they were having too much fun
To spare a thought for the lonely lad

Hermione was feeling a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
While Neville was with Ginny
Who held his wand and made him faint

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear
As he played with his old chap

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses
With Minister Cornelius Fudge
And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel
So tight that he couldn’t budge

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg
Handled by Pomona Sprout
So deftly did she manipulate him
That his good eye nearly popped out

Seamus played with Cornish pixies
Where Goblin meant something more
And the Patil girls made up a threesome
With the demure Fleur Delacour

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten
And over a desk they were bent
Thought Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box
To meet out their punishment

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go

He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally

But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”

If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen such a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch