When everyone was having fun
In the holidays, poor lonely Harry
Had to return each time
To the bosom of the family Dursley
As he waited for word from Sirius
He was always at a lose end
All his school pals and teachers were busy
And his owl was his only friend
Hermione was getting a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”
While Neville was with young Ginny
Who grabbed his wand and made him faint
Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
And curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Malfoy wore Madam Pomfreys underwear
And played with his old chap
Seamus played with Cornish pixies
And goblin’s had a different meaning
Pomona Sprout had meat and two veg
As Wood gazed smiling at the ceiling
Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go
He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally
But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”
If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch
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