Uncanny Tales – (082) Rejecting the Nanny State

 

The town of Shallowfield sat on the southern edge of the Finchbottom Vale and it had always relied largely upon forestry and agriculture for its prosperity, sitting as it was sandwiched between fertile farmland and the Dancingdean Forest.

This was reflected in Addison’s Cafe where Forester Paul Dyer was having breakfast with his farm labourer girlfriend Ellie Dyke.

Paul had just started tucking into his full English breakfast when Ellie finished her second bowl of muesli.

She had her phone on the table in front of her propped up against the flower vase and she was reading an article.

“Apparently today is “Eat What You Want Day”” she said.

“That’s good, because that’s just what I’m doing” he retorted.

“Yes, but you do that every day” Ellie pointed out.

“Quite right” he agreed.

“Shouldn’t everyone’s day be like that?”

“I don’t think it’s about prohibition” she said.

“It’s more about awareness.”

“Well, I’m aware it’s about the Nanny state” he retorted.

“I think it’s more about getting people to think about their health and wellbeing” Ellie said in her best patronizing tone as she patted his hand.

“Well, my health and wellbeing would be served by not trying to make me feel guilty about food all the sodding time?” he replied and laughed out loud.

“I’ll get you some more toast, shall I?”

“Yes please” he replied with a grin.

Uncanny Tales – (081) Anger Management

 

Wayne Evans was up before the Beak at the Magistrates Court in the southern town of Abbottsford facing public order charges following a road rage incident while his brother Matt waited outside.

“How did you get on?” Matt asked when his brother left the court building and walked down the steps.

“A £400 fine” he replied, “and the judge said I need to go on a bloody anger management course”.

“Well, that’s not so bad then” Matt replied.

“Anger bloody management! I ask you” he ranted.

“What you need is a good woman in your life” Matt suggested.

“As a calming influence”

“Are you mad?” Wayne exploded.

“It’s having a bloody woman in my life that got me so angry in the first place.”

Uncanny Tales – (080) Traffic Exclamation

 

On the west side of Downshire is Eastchapel. a quiet medieval village living in the shadow of its noisy neighbour, the Industrial powerhouse of Northchapel and Lily Rayner was driving his six-year-old daughter Kasia to School, which was on the other side of the village, when the traffic slowed to a crawl because of a cyclist before it came to a complete standstill.

“I think we’re going to be late sweetie” she said and Kasia tutted audibly and retorted.

“Bloody traffic”

“Kasia, has Uncle Ray been dropping you at school?”

“Yes mummy” she replied and giggled.

Uncanny Tales – (079) Calming Rage

 

On the west side of Downshire is Eastchapel. a quiet medieval village living in the shadow of its noisy neighbour, the Industrial powerhouse of Northchapel and William Rayner was driving his fourteen-year-old son Liam to School, which was on the other side of the village, when the traffic slowed to a crawl because of a cyclist so he turned the radio on which was tuned to Classic FM.

“Why do you listen to classical music dad when you’re driving?”

“Because it helps me with the stress of driving, it keeps me calm” he replied as he wound the window down.

“Get out of the fucking road you Lycra clad twat!”

Uncanny Tales – (078) The Ultimatum

 

The Dulcets are a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet-on-Willow, Dulcet Green, and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course Dulcet St Mary which where Amelia Allford and her boyfriend Steve Moore

were sat in his lounge and had greedily dispatched their Chinese takeaway and were cuddled up on the sofa, halfway through the credits of a Sandra Bullock movie called “The Lake House,” he definitely would, by the way, when Amelia suddenly said.

“Do you remember a few months ago when I said I didn’t mind you shagging other women?”

“Yes” He said cautiously “but…”

“And I know you still are so don’t bother trying to deny it” she said sternly, and he went to speak but she stopped him with a look.

“I don’t know who, though I have my suspicions,” she said flatly.

“And I don’t think I want to know but I know you’re sleeping with other women” she paused.

“And as I said last time I don’t mind.”

She paused again.

“For now, but there will come a time in the not-too-distant future when I will.”

“I love you and I’m certain sure of that, and I know you say you love me but I’m not so sure of that.”

“But I do love you” he said taking her hand.

“But you don’t love me as completely as I love you” she retorted taking her hand away “you are enough for me, but clearly, I’m not enough for you.”

He tried to speak again but again she stopped him, so he got up and paced the room.

“So, you have until February to sow your wild oats or to curb your appetites or whatever it is you do.”

“But by my 21st birthday I need to feel your commitment”.

Steve went to speak.

“And no that’s not a euphemism” she said without humour “you need to want me and me alone.”

“And that’s all I have to say” she said, he was cleared to speak now but he didn’t know what to say he wanted to say don’t be silly you’re the only one for me, but he knew he was a dog.

Steve knew that he was getting plenty, and he was liking that, but if he wanted to keep the girl, he loved it was obvious he would have to change.

“Is that why you don’t use the door key?” he asked.

Amelia was on her knees removing the DVD and Steve perched on the arm of the sofa just watching her almost in a daze.

“Yes” she replied without turning around.

“Because…” she began but couldn’t finish.

“You don’t want to catch me with another woman” he said finishing her sentence and she carried on what she was doing slowly and deliberately.

Steve was a little shocked, firstly because and it never occurred to him for a moment that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, and secondly although he knew he loved Amelia more than he had ever loved anyone he didn’t realise quite how much that was until that moment when he realised, he could lose her.

The prospect of losing her stunned him and he knew he had to make changes in his life.

Amelia finished putting the DVD in its box and switched off the TV.

“Don’t look so glum” she said as she stood up.

“I’m not giving up on you yet.”

“We’ve dealt with the serious bit,” she said slipping off her cardigan.

“Now we get to do the fun stuff.”

And she walked towards him unbuttoning her blouse as she did so until by the time, she was stood in front of him her pert unfettered breasts were in his face.

Uncanny Tales – (077) Conditional Lust

 

The Dulcets are a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet-on-Willow, Dulcet Green, and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course Dulcet St Mary which where Amelia Allford and her boyfriend Steve Moore

were sat in the Cross Key’s beer garden discussing the previous week and Amelia raised an eyebrow when he told her about the meeting with a proper cougar in a hotel.

“Well, that’s just the perfect scenario for a lothario” she said tongue in cheek.

“What do you mean a lothario?” he protested.

“It’s alright I don’t mind you shagging other women” she said, and it was his turn to raise an eyebrow.

“I know you do, so don’t bother trying to deny it” she said sternly.

“I don’t know who they are, and I don’t need to know who they are,”

He went to speak but she stopped him with a look.

“However, I have the following conditions, first you never touch my sisters” she said before adding.

“Or my mother”

Her sisters were far too young to be candidates for his lust, but he hadn’t considered her mother, and she was still an attractive woman.

“And as long as when you’re with me I have your undivided attention” she continued.

“Can I look at other women when were together?” he asked.

“Yes”

“And can I have lustful thoughts about them?”

“Only if I get the benefit of any resulting erection” she replied, and he was just digesting what she had said when he caught sight of the barmaid Molly collecting glasses and at that precise moment, she bent over to pick up an empty glass and flashed her thonged nether’s to all the customers in the garden.

“So, if the sight of Molly’s knickers wakes up the one-eyed beast, I get to tame it.”

“Well, that seems clear enough” he said.

Uncanny Tales – (076) A Roving Eye

 

The Dulcets are a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet-on-Willow, Dulcet Green and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course Dulcet St Mary which where Amelia Allford and her boyfriend Steve Moore were sat in the Cross Key’s beer garden discussing the previous week and Amelia raised an eyebrow when he told her about the a meeting with a proper cougar in a Hotel, and his phone buzzed, he picked it up and saw that he had a voice mail, he selected listen now.

“Hi Steve, Kelly here, I just wanted to touch base with you, I thought it was a very fruitful meeting yesterday and I feel it might be mutually beneficial if we were to meet again, soon. Call me on...”

“I don’t think so” he said and deleted it.

“Who was that”? Amelia asked.

“It’s just one of those “Have you been miss sold PPI? We can help” calls.”