YESTERDAY MY HOUSE WAS BURGLED

 

Yesterday my house was burgled

And today I feel really crappy

They stole my anti-depressants

Well, I just hope they are happy

ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?

 

Are you wearing a chest wig?

Did you get it off a yeti?

He must be cold without it

But it does suit you Betty

THE LONELY MUSHROOM

 

No one would sit next to the mushroom

And he didn’t know why, but made no fuss

It seemed to happen whatever the occasion

But when he was a lad they called him fun Gus

MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING HER PERIOD

 

My girlfriend told me she was having her period

And I responded quite innocently “What! Again?”

And then she lost it and screamed “you’re right

Let me go online and cancel my monthly subscription”

MY WIFE HAS NAMED OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES

 

My wife has named our kitchen appliances

She’s lost her mind and it’s seriously scary

Our fridge has been named “Fridget Jones”

And milk and cheese are Fridget Jones's Dairy

A NEW PRISONER SAYS TO A FELLOW NEW ARRIVAL

 

A new Prisoner says to a fellow new arrival

“I’m in for 10 years, how long are you in for?”

“15 years” The other man replies “So as you

Get our first you'd can have the bed near the door

FIVE A DAY ADVICE

 

My doctor has told me

I must eat my five a day

It’s a target I must achieve

And so I will, Kumquat may