21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330

 

If wishes were horses,

Beggars would ride.

If turnips were watches,

I would wear one by my side.

Or buy a knock off

From the Veg market

JANUARY BLUES

 

I hate the month of January

Every single day from New Year’s day

To the 31st day

I hate the month of January

With every fibre of my being

You may say it’s just the January blues

That colours my views        

But it’s much deeper than that.

It’s always such a long depressing month

With dreary weather and miserable people

It’s the inevitable aftermath

That follows a joyful Christmas

It’s going back to work to the same depressing job

You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve

It’s the empty bank account

And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday

Its New Year’s resolutions and not keeping them

I hate the month of January

From day one, New Year’s Day

With its reminder of things to come

Another bloody awful year ahead

January fills me with dread

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1

 

I was separated from my wife

Due to my serial infidelity

And found myself in bed again

With her best friend Felicity

It was on New Year’s Day

And Felicity asked me

“Did you make a resolution?

What was it? Go on tell me”

I replied “Not to be unfaithful

Ever again to my wife Pru”

As she climbed onto me, she asked

“How’s that working out for you?”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2

 

I made a New Year’s resolution

To stop having one-night stands

Which would be easier to do

If second dates were in my plans

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

 

If you have decided

You are overweight

And a diet is the solution

If you have decided

This should be

Your New Year’s resolution

Just listen to these facts

For just a moment

And then digest the information

 

Of all the people in Britain

There are more overweight people

Than there are average weight people

So overweight people

Are now the new average weight people

So, job done, you have reached your target

You are no longer overweight

You have kept your New Year’s resolution

Have a cake to celebrate

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1

 

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?

Well, if I might be so bold

Don’t just sit there

Or you might catch cold

YOLO IS AN ACRONYM

 

YOLO is an acronym for

“You only live once” which is nice

Unless of course you’re James Bond

Then “you only live twice”