ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SAUCY?

 

Are you wearing something saucy?

Beneath your beautiful wedding livery

Little more than lacy bits of string

That should render you all shivery

When on your wedding night you are

Unwrapped like a special delivery

YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG

 

You’re no longer able to brag

About being a lean piece of scrag

Now your looks have started to flag

And your bits have started to sag

Now your arse has started to drag

You’ve turned into an old bag

GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM

 

Give me a rigorous exam

Oh, won’t you please nurse Pam

You can be a rough Madam

Poke me and prod me, then wham

You can take me as I am

Or you can cover me in jam

I don’t give a damn

As long as I get nurse Pam

I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY

 

I was driving along the dual carriageway

When my boss phoned me

And told me I was being promoted

It came out of the blue and surprised me

It came as such a shock

That I swerved the car quite violently

 

A little further along the dual carriageway

And my boss phoned me again

And told me along with the promotion

Came a very nice financial gain

It came as such a shock

That I swerved the car violently again

 

A little further along the dual carriageway

And my boss phoned to tell me

And told me along with the promotion

Came the executive washroom key

It came as such a shock

That I again swerved the car violently

 

My boss phoned further down the carriageway

And I answered in hands free mode

And told me along with the promotion

I was to receive the penthouse code

It came as such a shock

I swerved and careered off the road

OVER ENGINEERED

 

Every time I start my car

A light glow’s on the dash

Reminding me

To release the handbrake

Then a light flashes

And a warning bleep’s

Telling me to buckle up

When I actually start to move

An arrow appears

Telling me to change gears

Then it dawns on me

What has occurred.

Automotive engineers

After a century of expertise

Have managed to build a woman

Inside every car

THE EXIT STRATEGY

 

The national anthem played at the end

Of a night at the cinema, in my youth .

It was the prelude of a very quick exit

I always joined the rush to tell the truth

 

That doesn’t happen anymore

Probable for the best I would have said

Now at some of the large prestige events

They use Paul McCartney instead

EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN

 

Everything in the garden

Would be rosy, I would say

If it wasn’t for the fact

That life keeps getting in the way.