MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME

 

“Mum, Mum you have to help me,

My husband Billy

He’s running around the house

Screaming hysterically

With blood dripping out of him

And I can see his brain”

“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath

And then shoot him again”

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING

 

A man and woman were talking

When the man asked her a question

“You know men have many terms

For the act of male masturbation?

A hand shandy, choking the chicken

A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off

Beating the meat, having a tug

Bashing the bishop, Jacking off

Glopping or pulling the pudding

Knocking one out, having a wank

Performing an organ solo

Or giving the monkey a spank”

“Well, that’s because men are pigs”

She replied in a disgusted scoff

So, what do women call female masturbation

She replied, “Finishing off”

HI, I’M JOHN

 

“Hi, I’m John” the caller said

“Am I speaking with Donnie?”

He was a call center dude

The original foreign Johnny

ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS

 

One Monday morning two guys

We’re talking in the coffee room

One had that Monday morning feeling

The other had no such gloom

 

“What are you so happy about?”

The misery asked his friend

“Well as a matter of fact I had

The most fantastic weekend”

 

“You know I live by the railway?

Well on my way home Friday night

I noticed a girl tied to the tracks

At first it gave me a bit of a fright”

 

“But I rescued the damsel in distress

Just like a Hollywood movie hero

And took her back to my place

Where one thing led to another you know”

 

“And we made love all weekend

In every position you can name

In every room, we did the lot

Then we did it all over again”

 

“That’s what I’m so happy about?”

“Your lucky swine” his friend said

“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?

“I don’t know I never found her head”

I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT

 

I asked my brother why he was so fat

I think perhaps that was a mistake

Because he said, “every time I shag your wife

She gives me a slice of cake

THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER

 

The moment I entered her

I felt reasonable sure

I’d either just broken her hymen

Or she still had her tights on

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 127

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

But Humpty Dumpty couldn’t fall

Because he had to wear a safety harness